It's been a week now

Just checking in...gathering my thoughts still processing, but more conclusions.

It's been a week now and I never heard from you. In a way it's great the answers are clear. Your colors have shown. But in an awful way it's so hurtful. 

Why do we become this way? Do we mean to hurt people along the way? My thoughts are to say no. Because that's how I operate. I always am considering the other person's feelings, giving them space to talk or approach me, letting them know that I'm always available. Am I wrong for being this way?

Why do we avoid and hide?

Have you moved on so fast? Did I mean nothing? Are you even thinking of me? Is there someone else? No, I don't want to know. 

 All you can do is move on yourself. It's like you've both came across this town you're in and you know no one and you thought you were on this amazing adventure; a road trip! and now you gotta leave it and move in a direction hopefully that's forward, but also away from the only person you knew.

You go through these emotions of sad, and anger, and frustration, and disappointment and highs and lows and gloom and then a burst of energy to go running for 10 miles.

I've wanted to send rage emails or texts, but then quickly feel defeated.

What's hard here is that you end up losing this relationship; this friendship and company that you've had all this time and now you've gotta stop talking to them.

 It's killing me you know, you go from talking to me daily to not, but it's getting easier...sort of. 

Thank u, next.

There are many times in life you come across a situation you want to ignore, conversations you don't want to have, and/or people you want to avoid. But I will tell you this: nothing comes out of cowardice. In fact, you end up writhing in awkwardness, anger, and non-ending questions. It really eats you up.

So, today I went ahead and spoke my mind. It took 17 months for me to do that. I wish I could say that in that last post I really gave up and stood up and said enough was enough, but sadly it went on for 3 more months, but I'm human and I'm trying.

I had a very difficult conversation with you today. It was long overdue and I know I should tell myself that I was finally brave enough to do it, but right now I don't feel that way. I feel sad that I let it get this far, how much my emotions got involved, that whatever hope I had of your response changing is now forever gone. I keep thinking to myself that it was me, I wasn't enough to change your mind or the way you felt about me. I shouldn't let my mind wander there but it does. You tell me it's you. You can't commit and it's really shitty you say, but do you really? I wonder if your day was as preoccupied as mine. I have my doubts.

You taught me incredible patience. You drove me up the wall so many times and I acted "cool" because I didn't want to be dramatic. In the end I never got noticed for that, as if this was to be expected. I should have been cool about everything. All the days we went without talking, all the invites that got missed, all the times you let me walk myself out, the lack of care, empathy or interest. I was never a priority. You hardly ever asked me how I was doing, or took interest in anything I did. It was always a "cool" a "that's good" or a "thumbs emoji," and I tolerated all of that. I held my tongue on so many occasions you treated me this way.

I can count the times we went out for a meal together in the last 17 months. 2? comes to my mind but maybe 3? How fucking sad is that? And I took that shit. I tolerated that. My dumb crazy ass tolerated that, because I cared about you absurdly. For some unexplainable, senseless, stupid unknown reason I had these feelings for you.

I asked myself this: "do you want him to be your boyfriend?" and I struggle with that answer, which you might find surprising because you assume that's what I wanted from you. Why? You'd be the shittiest boyfriend. Texting me whenever it was convenient for you, never telling me your schedule, I'd be left out of events, tossed to the side. Who would want to be in relationship with someone like that?

I get so angry thinking about how shitty you treated me. Like it was abuse. I got used to you not caring about me and I stuck around like a dumb loyal dog. You treated me like nothing and I took you out to birthday dinners, and bought you Christmas gifts.

What I can't change is your mind. How could I possibly go on like this? Being with someone who would never be emotionally available to me? What I think about is how you say you can't commit and 3 months down the road you're in a relationship with someone else. Because that would be BS. But I can't control that. If it wasn't meant to be how could I possibly bend you into being unhappy with me for the rest of your life? No, I couldn't wish that on my worst enemy and you are far from that.

I hope you one day realize your lost though. How much potential I had. I hope you will always think of me as a great superb person that you didn't deserve. I hope you will forever wonder and wish the best for me. I hope to preoccupy your mind even for a little while.

So, back to square one I go. Just me doing this life. Telling myself that I'm good and I'll just focus on myself because that's all I can do, even though I don't believe it a lick of it right now. Just shoving empowering words down my throat, whether I believe it right now or not. Like, "it'll come when you least expect it, or in God's timing, or just do you girl."

Lord, just rid me of any desires of a relationship, marriage, or family. Just remove them from my heart. I don't want these desires anymore. I am disappointed every time and it is so discouraging. I just want to live my life, in your calling; serving people, in selfless love doing your work. I just don't want to be disappointed any longer. Just remove these desires.