It's been a week now

Just checking in...gathering my thoughts still processing, but more conclusions.

It's been a week now and I never heard from you. In a way it's great the answers are clear. Your colors have shown. But in an awful way it's so hurtful. 

Why do we become this way? Do we mean to hurt people along the way? My thoughts are to say no. Because that's how I operate. I always am considering the other person's feelings, giving them space to talk or approach me, letting them know that I'm always available. Am I wrong for being this way?

Why do we avoid and hide?

Have you moved on so fast? Did I mean nothing? Are you even thinking of me? Is there someone else? No, I don't want to know. 

 All you can do is move on yourself. It's like you've both came across this town you're in and you know no one and you thought you were on this amazing adventure; a road trip! and now you gotta leave it and move in a direction hopefully that's forward, but also away from the only person you knew.

You go through these emotions of sad, and anger, and frustration, and disappointment and highs and lows and gloom and then a burst of energy to go running for 10 miles.

I've wanted to send rage emails or texts, but then quickly feel defeated.

What's hard here is that you end up losing this relationship; this friendship and company that you've had all this time and now you've gotta stop talking to them.

 It's killing me you know, you go from talking to me daily to not, but it's getting easier...sort of. 

Thank u, next.

There are many times in life you come across a situation you want to ignore, conversations you don't want to have, and/or people you want to avoid. But I will tell you this: nothing comes out of cowardice. In fact, you end up writhing in awkwardness, anger, and non-ending questions. It really eats you up.

So, today I went ahead and spoke my mind. It took 17 months for me to do that. I wish I could say that in that last post I really gave up and stood up and said enough was enough, but sadly it went on for 3 more months, but I'm human and I'm trying.

I had a very difficult conversation with you today. It was long overdue and I know I should tell myself that I was finally brave enough to do it, but right now I don't feel that way. I feel sad that I let it get this far, how much my emotions got involved, that whatever hope I had of your response changing is now forever gone. I keep thinking to myself that it was me, I wasn't enough to change your mind or the way you felt about me. I shouldn't let my mind wander there but it does. You tell me it's you. You can't commit and it's really shitty you say, but do you really? I wonder if your day was as preoccupied as mine. I have my doubts.

You taught me incredible patience. You drove me up the wall so many times and I acted "cool" because I didn't want to be dramatic. In the end I never got noticed for that, as if this was to be expected. I should have been cool about everything. All the days we went without talking, all the invites that got missed, all the times you let me walk myself out, the lack of care, empathy or interest. I was never a priority. You hardly ever asked me how I was doing, or took interest in anything I did. It was always a "cool" a "that's good" or a "thumbs emoji," and I tolerated all of that. I held my tongue on so many occasions you treated me this way.

I can count the times we went out for a meal together in the last 17 months. 2? comes to my mind but maybe 3? How fucking sad is that? And I took that shit. I tolerated that. My dumb crazy ass tolerated that, because I cared about you absurdly. For some unexplainable, senseless, stupid unknown reason I had these feelings for you.

I asked myself this: "do you want him to be your boyfriend?" and I struggle with that answer, which you might find surprising because you assume that's what I wanted from you. Why? You'd be the shittiest boyfriend. Texting me whenever it was convenient for you, never telling me your schedule, I'd be left out of events, tossed to the side. Who would want to be in relationship with someone like that?

I get so angry thinking about how shitty you treated me. Like it was abuse. I got used to you not caring about me and I stuck around like a dumb loyal dog. You treated me like nothing and I took you out to birthday dinners, and bought you Christmas gifts.

What I can't change is your mind. How could I possibly go on like this? Being with someone who would never be emotionally available to me? What I think about is how you say you can't commit and 3 months down the road you're in a relationship with someone else. Because that would be BS. But I can't control that. If it wasn't meant to be how could I possibly bend you into being unhappy with me for the rest of your life? No, I couldn't wish that on my worst enemy and you are far from that.

I hope you one day realize your lost though. How much potential I had. I hope you will always think of me as a great superb person that you didn't deserve. I hope you will forever wonder and wish the best for me. I hope to preoccupy your mind even for a little while.

So, back to square one I go. Just me doing this life. Telling myself that I'm good and I'll just focus on myself because that's all I can do, even though I don't believe it a lick of it right now. Just shoving empowering words down my throat, whether I believe it right now or not. Like, "it'll come when you least expect it, or in God's timing, or just do you girl."

Lord, just rid me of any desires of a relationship, marriage, or family. Just remove them from my heart. I don't want these desires anymore. I am disappointed every time and it is so discouraging. I just want to live my life, in your calling; serving people, in selfless love doing your work. I just don't want to be disappointed any longer. Just remove these desires.

Turning 30

hi there.

It's been a while. I've been meaning to come back to this, but in a way I guess it's a good sign that journaling on the blog wasn't a priority, hopefully it meant I kept busy with real friends ;)

I turn 30 in less than 3 days and I've got to say that this birthday has been daunting me since last year the day I turned 29 lol. It's a big number. It's a number when I was looking at it 10 years ago it felt...far away and imaginative and hopeful? Well 20 year old Lydia. You're 10 year plan is that you became an emergency room nurse, you have yet to go back to school, 9/10 of your friends are married and starting a a family, and you're still single. Gee, not quite what I had imagined, but I'm still so grateful. 

I think about how much I've gotten to do in the last 10 years and wow, I am so amazed. I graduated undergrad in 3 years. I put my self through 15 months of nursing school and everything leading up to that. I graduated and passed the NCLEX in one try at the 85th question and some cardiac ischemia after. I got a job the following month at a nursing home, quickly left that and got an acute job. Left the previous hospital as it was going bankrupt and came to what is now the 8th ranked national hospital working in their PCU unit and now have been in the ED for the past 2 years. I've also lost count of how many trips I've done. I've gone on 2 medical missions to Thailand. I've gone to probably 18 weddings by now, been in 3 and got a new dog in the last 10 years. 

I feel so fulfilled and blessed for my time on earth here. God has tremendously poured out his gifts, opened and closed doors for me in way that I can not deny him. 

This year I have to say I lost myself a little. I've done things that I'm not proud of and things that were out of my character. I've tested limits, lied more and became more jaded particularly more in my job. I went further away from God, because I knew what I was doing was wrong, and felt ashamed. I prayed the least and sought God very little this year. 

Something changed this week and what changed was me. I said enough and I finally stood up for myself. Because the thing of it is is that no one will care about you and love you as yourself. People will ALWAYS fail to meet your expectations. You know who you are and you know what you need. Aside from doing life with God, there will be no one who can fulfill you. This appears to be in despair, but what I'm trying to get at is that, your happiness, your fulfillment, your success, your loneliness, your accomplishments, your contentment will never be in any one. It will be in you, as you fight through this life. Nobody will fight your battles. 

So those excuses of waiting around for them to come to their senses, waiting around for another year to go by to go back to school, waiting another year at that job you actually dread, waiting another year for different opportunity. Those excuses? They will always be there, until you stand up to yourself and tell yourself that's enough. I am enough and I do not need to wait around for time to catch up to me. I do not need to wait for a man to show up at my door. I do not need him to grow up. I do not need him to realize me. I do not need to wait around for "good timing" because now, now when you've had that change of heart is when you rise up and you tell yourself that's enough. Enough is enough. I'm enough and I am ready. You will always be your biggest obstacle and critic, but also you will always be your biggest supporter.

I do not know what holds for me in the next 10 years. I hope to have a family in the next decade, but I know I have not been groomed for those responsibilities yet. I will have to trust in the Lord's timing for everything to fall into place as it always does. I am excited and afraid, I am nervous and ill-prepared, but I have the strength of the Lord and if he is with me then who can be against me?!

If you asked me 2 days ago I would have wanted to hit you and pound on your chest and screamed. I would have said some nasty things and things I probably would have regretted. It would have felt good then, but as short lived as those things are, I wouldn't have had contentment and peace. So today I am saying this: In all this I have myself most to blame, because I chose to be in a situation that was not fruitful to me. I was the one who said all the yeses and who was behind the wheel when I drove to your place. I was the one who continued to bend myself backwards, for someone who did as little as to lift his pinky for me. So I am the one to blame. However, I am not completely at fault. You are broken, and you allow yourself to continue to stay there. You live in hopelessness, not because there are not opportunities around you, but you choose to be there. It has been over 6 years. It is times to move on, yet you allow yourself to believe that you are inadequate of love. How foolish you are to tell yourself this till this day. You are loved and cherished and sought after. Never forget that. I will never be the one to change your mind in that. You can only do that for yourself. I couldn't keep giving and not get anything in returned. I kept filling your cup and my cup was left dry. I couldn't continue that way. The past year has been somewhat crazy. I did things that weren't of my character. I lied for you, about you, and from you. I was dishonest and for that I am sorry. You took a part of my life that I will never get back and that is time. You will always now be a part of me and my story through our times together and I will have come to peace with that one day. Today I am disappointed that this what it is. I deserve more, you must know that and I'm not asking that from entitlement or conceit, but seeing how little to none you gave me, I deserved better than that. I was never a priority and I don't think ever could have been to you. 14 months was enough.