As I write this post, I cannot tell you how we're going to make the next couple of months. As of today, my accounts can cover a another half a tank of gas. As I write today, my mother has taken full financial responsibility and I cannot help but inevitably worry.
And with what little faith I have, I dearly pray for a miracle.
Lord, you know my heart, my struggles, and every single tear that falls. I am deathfully worried, and hopelessly cling onto you. Not necessarily because of my over abundant faith, but mostly in pure fear. And with what little remains of my faith or finances or company I just hold on. I know I will get through it because I've been through worse. I continue to repeat your Word and rather than having the option to believe I see nothing else.
Don't we usually resort to prayer when we are at that point of despair? When all resources have been exhausted, and all telephone conversations have been used up, is when we often find ourselves on our knees.
Forgive me for not coming to you first, and in a time of need. I do not have a list of wishes or demands, but simply that your presence be known during this time. Your grace upon the situation and give me the faith to know that you will pull through as you have before.
How easily forgotten are those times.
I am deathfully afraid and proud. I am barely intact but boldly composed and with what little remains I choose to write it rather than share.
Yeah....let's talk about that. Ladies you know what I'm talking about, but maybe men too.
As a kid, I'll tell you I wasn't the shy one. I was loud, rambunctious, clumsy, proud, a dare devil, buried makeshift barbie houses as a pseudo bunker, and always had comments on my progress report cards that I talked too much in class. I ran around, didn't care of what others thought, didn't care what I didn't have, or better yet what others had, and ended up with a lot of skinned knees because of it.
That all changed. I don't know if it was a particular moment, perhaps more of time when either we grow up and find that the world around us is much more dangerous than we ever perceived it would be.
One of my favorite books, The Catcher in the Rye comes to mind:
" Anyway, I keep picturing all these kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's only thing I'd really like to be."
So..how does this tie into confidence? I'll tell you..when you're young and innocent and proud you don't care. Your parents are your heroes, twenty dollars feels like you've won the lottery, you eat whatever the hell you want and think it's crazy if someone declines an ice cream bar (though this applies, with some guilt at times...), the only thing you compare is your Lisa Frank folders, you feel like that new printed floral dress looks so awesome on you, you think your crooked teeth is just a part of your looks, you go up to any boy and ask them if they'd come to your party, you think you're cool.
I speak for my childhood for this post because I know some people out there didn't get to experience that kind of childhood. I think confidence is greatly influenced by how much your parents believe in you. It is influenced by your peers and really yourself.
You grow up, and people get nasty. Then you doubt yourself. You grow through breakups, and all of the sudden you're thinking you're not good enough. You flip through instagram, and facebook, and magazines, and you compare your weight, your looks, your physique, your skin. You look those around you and you compare success, titles, positions, security, and financial abilities. Am I just talking about myself here?! Then you go to church where they reassure you that God's made you perfect in his image and you are loved and beautiful. Soon, God seems to be the only one who thinks you're awesome and you're suppose to believe in that.
Where did all that confidence go? You took it. Maybe the test took it. Maybe the college took it. Perhaps the job took it. My parents took it. The girl on instagram took it. The picture on facebook took it. Southern California took it. But perhaps ultimately I took it. Dear ___________, You should be proud of yourself. Do you know just how special you are how wonderfully you are made? How precious you are? You are unique. Don't try to be someone else. Be you, however that may be and know that I love you for that. You are the one sheep I go after, the one son I wait for, the coin I search for. Not anybody else but you. I notice you. I notice you in those times you think you're all alone. I'm there for you. I have plans for you and ultimately I believe in you.
How often do we think of this? I sure don't. How much of this do we believe? Maybe some? Mostly none? Well, I'll tell you this: to whomever, I believe in you. I believe in you more than I believe in myself. Why is that easier? I don't know. Maybe it all comes back to confidence...
I haven't heard this song in for a while now, but somehow it crossed my mind today. This was a song that I frequently listened to during my walks. Isn't it strange that I doubted you and us so many times? I still don't know till this very day, whether that was because of fear or because we simply we're not meant to be.
I know I rarely get to write posts like these nowadays, but for a change...
Today we had a grad panel at school from previous cohorts who have gotten hired, to share with us their experience on taking the boards and applying for jobs. As they each shared their experience what was an imminent daunting experience was curbed by their encouragements. I drove home thinking "I can do this" then I went for a run.
It's been incredible hot these past two days for God knows why and I've realized how I'll miss winter. Since it was nonsensical to go for a run this morning I promised myself that I would later in the evening and I'm glad that I followed through. Any way, as I was running I was also pensive (really to distract me from wanting to quit so bad). I thought about how grateful I am to be where I am today. I'm a college graduate and now I'm doing nursing and I will pass my boards in a couple of months and find a job. I forgot how hard the journey has been to get here and how much I've accomplished thus far.
I took the time today to be proud of myself and appreciate me. As I analyze and criticize myself so often, I should also reward and honor myself too. Are you happy today? If not, whynot?
Chin up :]
I thought about you and it didn't make me sad! If this is an "up" moment I'll take it.
Today started off as a gloomy day, which I don't mind seeing that in a couple of days it will be in the high 90's. Less than a week ago, I saw how quickly things can turn in a day. I guess this happened a couple months ago too, but this goes beyond all that love and frill.
Be honest, we don't take each day for granted. When was the last time you were consistently grateful for the day? Lived it like it was our last. Cherished it without thinking about tomorrow? The reality of it is that there are some people struggling everyday to make ends meet, yet we are envious of the contents in another's instagram picture.
I don't talk about my experience of my clinicals because it remains a part of my journey that I haven't been able to quite process yet. Going through a program like mine, I just am a sponge absorbing it all in and find little time sharing any of it. But I will say this..tonight, a child struggles for its breath, a family has experienced a lost, a dad spends his last paycheck for dinner, someone is grasping at hope, and I will think about how my living situation in a month will look like.
Tonight, there is someone who's gained a promotion, had a gluttonous dinner, spent too much on something they didn't need, took a class at an exclusive gym and watched an HBO show.
My point is not to make anyone feel guilty. After all we all have been blessed with different opportunities. I just want to offer a different perspective before we go to bed tonight. How thankful are you? Do you still think you've gotten to where you are by your strength? What about those then who struggle do they not have the strength? I will tell you that I have strength, not much, but enough, and yet I find myself struggling.
I often times think how can I find joy in some of the darkest times, and I often don't. I find it so easy to criticize and be bitter at everyone including me. With my own thoughts, there is no way I can ever accomplish this. I do damn well try though. It's a struggle and a battle I do not win most times, but I try.
Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (Don't ever give up, if you think you can't handle, remember, God can). I thank you for that tonight.
I feel that this is the only place I can really express what goes on. I find it easier to say I'm doing okay and move on because it's what people expect to hear. If you ever want to know how I am doing hopefully you can find it here.
