Can you say that?

Losing reality

I keep second guessing what's real and what's not. What's happening and what's happened. I'm losing track of time and days and it's becoming awfully confusing.

It's sometimes a lot easier to not let anyone see your insides. I mean when you're dressed and you're hair's styled and you got that smile you've mastered on your face things are easier. It gets harder when they come over and see your room or catch you on a Friday evening in your pjs after not shaving for a couple of days. Things get awkward because you've gotten comfortable but that was assumed and not mutual. Then it gets ugly because you sit there being the worse critic you could be to yourself and wonder how you got so fooled to be here in the first place. Of course, this is before the struggle you have of telling yourself you could clean up and make something of yourself, but failing more than once to be motivated to.  So yea, it's easier to see the outside because the inside is really a bunch of chaos, self-pity and all kinds of rubbish. 

I'm becoming to wonder how to make of all of this, Quincy. I am beginning to feel utterly foolish. 

Can't be pleased

You couldn't understand what I meant. It wasn't that it would have been the same if you came down. No. For it was truly my perspective you were looking through, you would have seen that you don't have to feel guilty for coming down on my end. Still? You come down I feel bad because you're neglecting your family for work. I go up as a nice gesture because you come down so often, but I feel bad you have to take time away from your family for work. It's really a lose-lose situation here. Do you ever think about how unordinary this is? How much easier I could have it all? I don't think you do. Because if you did, I would have gotten more credit, which I don't. Well it is what it is, isn't it?