Can we go back in time?

Stop. I want to stand still.

It's so foreign here. I want to go back to something familiar.

I can't move forward because I don't want to. I want to go back.

The excitement has faded and began to turn to fear. I want to go back.

I don't want new, I want the old.

Stop. I want to just stop.

I can't see what's in front of me, but when I turned around I see that I can't go back.

I'm stuck.

it's probably a cliche, but in the spirit of it, oh well

I wasn't going to do a dedication to thanksgiving and all the things I was thankful for, but I thought about how I'm thankful for a lot of stuff and want to jot it down in case I have a terrible day, so I can remind myself of the things I'm grateful for.

In the midst of everything that's happened thus far, I'm thankful for those little breaks and moments I had, that made me forget where I was, what I didn't have, how much I did have.

I'm also thankful for:

-how He keeps me in check and lets me know that He's there.
-grace
-friends who have patience
-those little specks of light, hope
-awesome, fantastic, great, laughing days
-my family and my physical well being
-the things that I do have
-you.

some freaky deaky stuff

alright.. this is weird

I was driving back home and looked in the rear view mirror because this car was following pretty close and I noticed that the passenger had a very similar resemble to the guy from V for Vendetta. He was wearing a fedora hat and had the mustache and the long hair to accompany it. So that's all I thought of it, oh that person looks like so and so. I didn't think more about the movie like about how Natalie Portman's shaved head looked really good, but would never work on me. Or that I once had a upper div writing TA that looked like the V for Vendetta guy. I was about to move on when...... I switched lanes and this white Jetta had a bumper sticker. It was a quote and it looked small, but due to stop and go traffic I read it. I caught a V at the end and thought "no way..." I read it and the quote is now branded in my head. "People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of people"-V. It was from the movie. Okay, how many people have the quote from V for Vendetta on their bumper?!?! So how weird, freaky, coincidental (hardly) is that?! I was saying whoa as I exited the freeway and guess what? the car with the same guy (V) was in front of me! (whoa)

Now this one's a bit of a stretch but seeing how things were going tonight. After I exited I went to the store to buy some things and when I was checking out the lady in front of me got $10.10 in change back. When it was my turn to check things out the total came out to be $2.09, but I gave the lady $10.10. So eerie... it wasn't intentional it just happened and I noticed it as I got my receipt, but seriously...

I know I'm probably way over thinking this but seriously.... when I mentioned the whole karma, world has telepathy thing... I totally believe it...

Back to Reality

The worst thing about escape is the return.

I could disappear and no one would notice

man, it's gotten so cold brrr... it's hard to think of the hot humid summers to try and warm us up in the winter and equally it's hard to think about the frost and shivers from the winter during the blazing summers. How easily we forget, and how easily we adjust.

I've been thinking lately (more like daydreaming and not doing my work) about the possibility of starting over in a different place. I thought about it and really there's nothing holding me back. I believe I'm ready to just pick up and plop down somewhere doing something. I'm young right? So now is the time to be adventurous and make mistakes and be in debt no? I can be reckless to some extent and use my age as an excuse right? mm.. I'm definitely beginning to think about it and a near possible reality.

I think I'm pretty much ready..I'm awaiting for the call.

4 weeks and counting.

How Vast

I take comfort in knowing that I'm not in it alone. There is the ONE who knows my suffering, and my deepest desires. He shares with me in my pain and tears, and only He knows where this will end. At the end of the day, when you're sitting in your loft looking out your bay window with a glass of wine in your hand listening to some sinatra and not a soul is around, I feel not alone. This acknowledgment keeps me rooted, it keeps me sane, and hopeful. This understanding is sometimes the only comfort I get. Though I walk out the door as a coworker, student, friend, daughter, or stranger, to you I come as me. Just me. I have no title, no obligations, and no expectations and still you love. Forever my heart will be indebted to what you've done. My life when I think of this time to time, seems almost filled. The emptiness felt surrounded by people at work, school or gatherings just disappears and I'm back in reality. Only YOU know everything, my suffering, my pain, my thoughts, my sins, my pride, my shame..me.

Thank you...as if this can cover it.

a Walk Down Memory Lane

Promises we make and can't keep or rather just don't keep.

I was looking at some old things and we always write stuff like K.I.T., or say things like let's grab lunch next week, or mention to call the next time.

There was a time were I was sincere with the things I promised, but lately it's become something to end with like a bye. "Hey, it was nice running into you, let's catch up soon [bye]..." Maybe to others it's something that they just say, but I'm sure there are others, myself included, that really hope for it.

Mmm, this is a list of something that I should work on.

I sound like a dying person, but it's something that occurred to me lately. The thing is although I'm not dying tomorrow, relationships and moments die. People you know transition in and out of our lives and with it most of them "die". So in a way I'm dying. I'm dying to those around me and they're dying too. Clocks are ticking away and time's running out. Let's not waste any more time and do live it like it's our last.

Let's be sincere. Let's follow through, or don't make those promises to start off with. Let's give our full attention. Let's cherish.

RaRa OoLaLa GaGa GooGoo BooBoo Poo.

poop. it wasn't a bad day I ended up ditching my lecture because I didn't want to wait and ended up cooking cookies that were too buttery.

I feel so weighed down by the things going around me. Rather than being on top of it and dragging it along, it's dragging me. Today I'm not angry nor frustrated, but just blah. I'm not hopeless but just feel defeated. There's nothing within my will that I can do. I don't feel weak nor exhausted, but do feel at a lost that things haven't changed. I should be grateful and give praise, but somehow it's not freely rolling off my tongue today. There are days where people, occurrences, and just self encouragement that can get me through the day; that can help me forget for a minute of where I am, but today is not one of them. There are no complaints today. There's no questions of why's. I do know one thing and that is that I've had days where I was happier.

I have a mood cycle where it goes somewhat like:
-feel good/great. smile at random things throughout the day, and have a good car ride by myself.
-feel blah. like today. in limbo. indifferent. in transition to the next part of the cycle. just "in" it.
-feel frustrated and annoyed. questions of why's, complaints, short patience. when i blog.
-feel angry and defensive. i blame me, i blame you, i have pride.

I go through this cycle pretty much routinely.

I end this with a big sigh.

Note: (these notes are just random thoughts that I think of throughout the day or when writing posts that I want to note, they probably don't have anything to do with the post...not that my post have any coherency)

-one of my wishes is to think less. Life's not so complicated...really. It's simple we eat when we're hungry, dress to cover ourselves, have relationships, go to work, go to school, drive a car, ride a bus, have a kid, pick up the kid, have advancements, gain "success", blah, blah, blah. I wish I could take things for what they are. To not have second thoughts, be genuine..be simple and live simply, not over thinking things.

Don't stop believing, just hold onto that feeling

I should really try to sleep.. or study if I'm awake, but since I'm not I'll write a quick one and not do the latter.

Couple things to come back to later (the list only keeps growing.. I'll get to them eventually):

The thought of leaving things just hanging. I need a sense of completeness. I can't deal with parting unfinished and bitter. Something that I've been thinking about is that nothing lasts forever; people included. The person who see either everyday or once a year might not be there the next time and what if you left things unsorted? Especially something blunted with bitter and frustration. I need closure.

What have I turned into? Really more like a Frankenstein. I've created a monster. I am my worst enemy.

People look so small. There are sometimes I look at things and they just seem really small. But it wasn't so when I was a child. When I was a child I thought I could take on a lion or a grizzly bear or a dragon and I would come out of it without a scratch. Our perceptions and beliefs that we have as a kid blurs and eventually fades away over time. Screw becoming an adult I want to stay innocent forever.