how do i

It's not just the class I need, really. It's the direction. Where is it that you want me to be and how should I get there?

I got worried there for a moment you see. I know better than to reacted the way that I did. All that built up encouragement crumbled so fast and dissipated ever so quickly that by the time I saw the hole in the bag, I was left without any sand. I can't go pick up every grain. I guess, I'll have to fill it again.

Let me breathe. I'll keep telling myself that it will all be okay.

Take me somewhere, anywhere.

Impatience.

I want to know....now. It doesn't have to be the class you know, just something, anything. Could you let me know?

I'm kind of going at this blindly now. Trial and error. I guess I'll soon find out where the door knob is by feeling against the wall. Is that it? Nope, that's the light switch. How about this one? Try again, that's the frame.

Let me breathe. It's not the end. I keep thinking that it is. That if not this, then nothing, ever. That's not true, I deathly hope.

Hope. Yea, we all can use some of that. I think that's the first grain that goes into the bag.

Chaos vs. Peace

I teeter a fine line everyday. A balance of overwhelming anxiety brought upon by fear and uncertainty contrasted to the serene satisfaction in the small things. Sometimes the chaos can be suppressed and is so often, to avoid questions I'm not ready for, or rather don't want to face. But ever so sly, does it creep up on you. This is the daily battle. I win sometimes, and I lose on other days. The balancing act is me keeping track of my sanity.

Self Worth.

I've got to be honest. I know my identity in Christ and who I am by what the Book claims me to be. But I want to have self-worth in this world too. Is that so wrong? I want to be somebody. I want to be worthy and not only in the eyes of the One who matters, but to those around me too. I want the labels and the credentials and yeah, it would be nice to be paid for it too. I want to be accomplished and polished. I want to be somebody, but not just anybody. I want to be someone needed, and important. I want to be of worth and value. And I'm not talking about not being worthy to those who know me, but I want people I haven't met to recognize that worth. So yes, I am struggling with the fact that I'm not where I'd hope to be from my projections of last year. I know I have only myself to blame. Yes, this is a lashing out.

Yeah okay that's me being human, so what? I didn't say I wasn't a sinner. Put your fingers away. You can point it in another direction.

2011=Acceptance? Yeah, we'll see.

As most of you know, I have control issues, if you didn't, you do now. In particular, there is this one person I end up controlling a lot. Mostly, how I would like him to think; that it should be like me. But is it there something wrong with the idea of taking value upon success, freedom, and having ambitions? I mean, isn't that everyone? Well, maybe not.

I became very conflicted after finding out that he didn't have the same opinion as me when it came to talking about the use of pot. I felt that I did a good job in explaining why the use of it was a disdain. I gave good reasons as to why I would like to be free from being dependent from the things of this world like money and how drugs would bind you. I continued to disagree that although it is an outlet to cope with stress, there are much healthier alternatives to cope and even pointed out things he admitted he'd like to do when he was stressed like being in nature.

Well anyway, this brings up the real matter or rather question in hand. What defines right and wrong? I mean is it so wrong to smoke out once in a while? Is it wrong to have a drink after a stressful day? What's wrong with getting drunk and having a 'good' time? How far is too far? I mean as long as I have a conscious and know where to draw the line and at the end of it have no regrets does that constitute what's 'right'? Do I just love the way he is and allow him to do what he wants? I can't fix him, can I? I should just love on him and accept him how he is? I've been having great conflict in answering these questions and have found myself settling.

Compromise.

But in the end, what am I to stick by? There seems to be holes and exceptions that doesn't fit with the morals I've been taught.

This year feels much different from last. I felt every pumped and ready to take on 2010. For 2011, I have an unsettling feeling. Maybe it's how it started out...There are some changes coming this year, whether it's for the better or worse, I shall ride through them.