When I was thirteen, I didn't have my first love, I went through puberty and rode an emotional roller coaster.

I came across my old journal that was on my desk squeezed in between a "singing in the rain" dvd and my speech book. Reading some of the entries were pretty funny. I apparently was an angry teen. One entry covers me dissatisfied with a haircut, which gave the perfect reason to take it out on paper, using vulgar language which I thought at the time made me so "bad-ass". Another one talked about how a hug from a guy gave me a "tingly" feeling. I LOL-ed on that one. But actually most of the entries covers a sad period of my life. A period of self-identity, confusion, frustrations, contemplation, questioning the meaning of life, and ultimately diving into a deep time of isolation. Reading it was pretty depressing after a while, that at the age of thirteen, I was too serious and too sad.

I think a simple goal in life that I have is to be happy. Though there is suffering around us, frustrations amongst us, and doubts drowning us, we're not just treading water. I think God would want us to be that way too. We spend too much time burden by the weight of worry, regrets, and the "what ifs". After all, consumers have contributed to the billion dollar industry in drugs to make them happy haven't they? Why is something so simple as happiness been muddled in our lives? Why are we depressed, consumed in anxiety, and dissatisfaction? What happened to our free-spirited beings? Haven't we been called to freedom in Christ?

This led me to think about my own happiness. Am I happy? Have I brought others around me happiness? I worry too much, have too many insecurities, and made one to many comparisons to be.

Last Sunday's sermon comes into mind.

Unless you change to become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven -Matthew 18:3.

Children are so innocent in such a powerful, encouraging way. What happened to that fervor? Too many times have I wished to be back on the lawn running through the sprinklers in my one piece neon swimsuit, thinking only about how much longer I'd be allowed to be outside before it was time for dinner. A time where I didn't care about how my swimsuit looked, or how I looked in it. A time where waterproof mascara didn't exist, and relationships were smaller and much more intimate. I want to try to live like a child again. Where I am free from the burdens of this world because there's much more to life than that.

I need it to be just me for now. It's been swell, but I think the time has come for us to move on.

It comes in waves