Month marker

I don't know what came over me..(probably the fact that I'm on break), but I opened up the email and read it again. I know I shouldn't have, but it happened. It was short and concise, with little affect, and just tied with a sloppy-thrown-together-generic-polite end.

It's been a month now, and I'm positive you're doing just fine. I wonder if you got my letter and that it's probably in the bottom of a trash can. Maybe read; maybe crumpled; mostly likely unopened. All I can say is that, I've done what I can to make peace with it from my end. What becomes of that letter once it's out of of my hands, is no longer in my control...(though I so want it to be)

I have a week's break before starting up again on Monday. I guess the week's coming to an end. I said I would organize and sort things out. I guess I've sort of done pieces of it, but they're all just laying out like the barbie dolls I played with; all disfigured and contorted, and it's an unpleasant site.

This is what I've come to peace with for now (geometry practiced at it's best, I knew those proofs would come in handy someday.): If God can bring someone like you in my life, something that came out of left field, something that was this amazing journey, someone who felt for me that way....then I have no choice but to trust Him that He can do it again; better.

I look at my life right now and my past and sure, there are a lot of things that have happened in my past 24 years...a lot, but I am grateful. I'm grateful to know that I have received grace for everything that I didn't deserve in this life, even life in itself to be here. I know I have a purpose, not just a calling to have a title, or to impact lives, but that I know that God will bless me: my heart, my brokenness, me. Not just in the areas around me, but that He will bless me and in that I feel so loved. I feel so secure to know that I have someone who will never get tired of me pushing Him a way, of getting angry and telling Him what to do or how He should fix this, of how many times I tell Him he's wrong and I'm right, of feeling insecure myself. I feel so loved to know that He will never give up on me no matter how many times I walk away or say that I'm done with this relationship, despite the countless times I tell Him he's late and not on time, regardless of the times I express my doubt that He's not affirming me, I feel loved to know that He will continue to pursue and fight for me. I am satisfied to know He will provide unconditional love even when I ignore Him and challenge Him, even though I raise my voice at Him and call him regretted names. Because I know in my heart He loves me. I know He won't give up on me. I know that He will pull through for me. I know that He will never leave me with an email because He will never leave. He is always there.

I think this is why we seek these characteristics in relationships, because He is all a girl wants. Afterall, all we ever really want is someone like her dad.

So, I'm sorry I thought you were Him, because you're not. He's the only one that can satisfy me and give me the kind of security I am looking for. I must have gotten confused and thought for some reason you were Him. I know you tired hard because I kept asking that you became Him, but you're not Him. But I know now...and I'm sorry I sought this in you. I'm looking for someone He's called for me, and I'm sorry that that wasn't you.

The smiles, the smiles...

Hello internet world anybody out there? Good. Now to journal..

Today was particularly more difficult. It's been a week now and this time alone is doing me no good. I just have a hard time making sense of everything that's happened. I can't help but keep remembering the time spent together. The sand, the stars, the blisters, the melted cake, the smiles, the smiles... And I sit here and wonder if you're doing the same.

How are you keeping it together? How do you hold yourself up? How are you keeping yourself restrained? For me it's an hourly battle. I had accidentally called you the other day. Of course it went to voicemail as it would. But a part of me hoped that you'd call back. Of course you didn't as you would.

I keep thinking about times I went through with you, the empty house, the naps, the movie in a barren room, the smiles, the smiles..

I'm trying not to think about the future. The times I thought you were going to be there to see me through school through my tests, through my birthday this year. I just can't. But I spend all my time thinking about the past, the past with all the memories and then I'm in the present but it's so empty. I feel numb, then I'm submerged into emotions. I say I can get through this and then I'm drowning. It's an hourly battle for me you see.

You seem to be doing great. Good for you. But in case you ever wondered about me you now know. I'm struggling. I'm kicking my legs frantically, I'm moving my arms as fast as I can, but I'm tired now.

I keep thinking about the memories made, the salad, the fall, the improv, the hands, the dance, the tears, the tears...

I'm praying everyday you know. I can't get through the hour without grasping dearly onto Him. I hope you're doing okay. It seems like it anyway. How did I get here I keep asking myself you know? I'm suppose to be the strong one. I'm not suppose to be here. I'm so hurt. I'm so broken. But it seems like your put together just fine. I just keep thinking about the kiss... the kisses..