Out of Place

I was asked a question that caught me off guard the other day. Someone asked me what my passion was. I was expecting the usual "what are you doing now?", "what was your major","do you want the pepperoni slice?" and then the question came out of nowhere. I fumbled for a bit and then quickly opened the files in my head looking for the word "passion" and anything related to it, similar to how you search for a word on a document pressing ctrl + F; except brains don't have keyboards. They have files with memories and thoughts and knowledge, but no keyboard; it's a flawed system really.

Anyway, because the question came as a surprise and I didn't have an answer off hand, I simply asked what he meant by passion. "Something you can't live without" was the response and I thought about it for a moment and still nothing came to mind. He probably thought I was lame or broken. He eventually answered for himself seeing that I didn't really have anything to say.

I thought about it throughout the night and this is what I have so far. I can't live without food (literally), and my faith, but besides that I couldn't think I anything else I could live without. What does this mean? I have no passion for anything else? What am I suppose to do with the rest of my 50 years?

So the topic of relationship is something that's been coming up fairly often. I guess it's because now that I'm out of college, it seems somewhat more urgent and the realization of "where are we going to find that 'one'?" is on our minds constantly. I for one am content with where I am now. Yes, I definitely have ups and downs and this too has a cycle, but right now I'm okay. I don't feel urgent, nor do I feel the need to be on the look out for the "potential." Now, this is something that to third person would seem normal, and I too thought so for a while. However, knowing my sick, twisted mind, a question came up: "Wait, are you really alright? Or are you just saying that to defend the fact that you're hopeless?" I've fooled myself so many times, I can't even differentiate anymore. This is sad. But truly, I do not know. All I know is this feeling.

I'm sure a deeper part of me is thinking the latter, and it's quite possible that I am lying to myself and that I should indeed be worried. I see it as a lost cause and the results are something I've accepted. I think also the fact that there's so many other things on my mind that this problem virtually doesn't exist.

I don't do new years resolutions anymore. For me, it's a list of not fulfilled expectations and failed promises. And by the end of the year I'm disappointed. Maybe it's because the list is so long and unattainable. All I want for the new year is to be better than this one. I want to be in a different place next year. I want to have gained and grown. I want change. I want to be better.

I see already many changes coming in the next year.


There are somethings that I can't even express, but you know. I don't know how to form words about what I am experiencing but you know. I hear you call to seek you. I know that you're near and all it takes is for me to reach out. I have fear. I have pain. I have anger. I ask that you may bring peace. I ask for stability and warmth. Through this may I be changed and have others around witness my transformation.

What I learned today, more like relearned

It's good that throughout life we get reminders time to time. When we're too cocky, someone points out that you're wrong, or better yet your flaw. When we're rich and then we lose our job. When finally it seems like life's put together and it crumbles again. When you're complaining about eating dinner with someone, and knowing someone out there is eating by themselves or rather not eating at all. When you think you know a lot, but in the topic of death, religion, and politics you draw a blank. When we think our situation is the shit, and your friend tells you that he's an illegal immigrant and can't get a job (not because of the current economy which is your excuse). When you have a "YES!', but a soon "oh.." moment. When we have the reality check, or a wake up call or whatever it is you call it.

I relearned that I know so little, mostly about people. I recognized how quick I am to judge. I realized how fast I can stink, when I'm not fighting to keep above waters. I see how small I am.

Word of the Day

What defines great? We use the adjective frequently in describing our day, a person, an institution, relationships, or an attribute. There are multiple entries in a dictionary to define it such as talking about the size or large quantity of something, powerful or influential (great leader), referring to a generation (great-uncle), out of the ordinary (great save), skilled (great at tennis), distinguished (great poet).

I want to be a great person. I want to be recognized for something great and have impacted lives other than my own. I want people to remember me. I want to live greatly. I want people to describe me as a great person.

Which great defines me?




The search after the great men is the dream of youth, and the most serious occupation of manhood. -Ralph Waldo Emerson


Greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them. -William Shakespeare

Whatever you are, be a good one. -Abraham Lincoln

I'll take it

In midst of uncertainty, fear, and emptiness there are times, little breaks, of relief.

A smile, a nostalgic memory, a funny movie scene that brings a smirk, a book that stir your imagination, the thought of something impossible, finding money in your old winter jacket, hearing that your test got pushed back, someone who lets you cut in line at the grocery, a classmate vouching that you did your homework when really you didn't, a brief moment that makes you forget about your impending crisis; a break. I'll take it.

I feel so unstable, and scared, and overwhelmed that any break I can get, (even if it's just the simplest thing) I'll take it. It's like you're in the ocean and you're drowning and any ounce of breath you get is a relief. A break from completely giving in and surrendering to the oncoming waves.

I'm so thankful for the little relief I get, it's almost like torture. Like squeezing an air ball so hard that it is completely crushed by your hand and you open your palm just an inch and it begins to inflate again.

I'll take it, even the smallest gesture, I'll take it.

I must be pretty annoying

I apologize that I was stubborn, spoke out of place, talked too loud, complained a little too much, bragged, judged, made a ridiculous comment, acted like an idiot, thought I was the shizz, teased you, dragged you along, pushed you, hated you, made you think I was right, laughed a little too hard on something that wasn't funny to you, ate food off your plate without asking, didn't call you and went MIA, canceled our appointment, told you the wrong directions, was late to our lunch, got mad at nothing in particular, and didn't think before speaking.

But it's somewhat your fault for not telling me.

happy birthday

Used and Abused

I have a hard time turning down things. Usually if someone asks something of me, I'll do it. I didn't say no to that guy who sat down next to me at 3am. I didn't say no to being a full-time student, working part-time, and then some. I didn't say no to that time you wanted to eat there, but I wanted to eat here. I haven't said no to random conversations struck up by strangers. Does this make me a push over? I hope not.

Truth 1, I don't like depending on people, it makes me feel..ordinary? I guess human is what I'm looking for. I despise appearing weak in front of others and tend to come off strong to some. So, in the past I've pushed away those who have tried to crack this facade. I get defensive, and end with a "it doesn't matter they didn't matter much anyway." But this inevitably leads to isolation. You end up pushing those around you away, and those who have stayed only know so much about you. Am I complaining that this needs to change? Not really..

There's a balance. You need a little bit of desperation, vulnerability, dependency, sympathy, and want. Pretty much like everyone else. You can't survive with this "I can do it alone-I've got this-I can handle it-nobody understands me-leave me alone" image. Humans are meant to live among a community. We're not viable as independent scavengers like the Tasmanian devils who secrete awful, foul smelling fluids. We're NOT made for isolation. We NEED interaction, or else I think we'll eventually die.

Truth 2, I know it sounds selfish, but I have a pretty low self esteem. Pretty low, that I've accepted the fact that this isolation is something I may be able to survive. Because even though I show that I'm broken or share the same problems as the guy sitting next to me, I'm never enough. It's always gotta be "he's too good for you" and not the other way around. I have to work to deserve it and nothing can come to me for what it is, because I simply deserve it. I can't initiate, because in the back of my mind I'm thinking "that person's too busy to care about your silly things"

Truth 3, I have pride and lots of it. The "leave me alone" is really "no ask me what's wrong, stay, don't go", but I'll never allow it. I see that I'm losing and still I can't give in. I don't take the first step because I'm worried I don't matter, no I don't take it because I want you to need me and not the other way around. You fail, I don't. It's twisted, but I take pride in knowing that people can't figure me out. It's sick, it's really a disease.

Truth 4, I'm embarrassed. It's likely that someone out there understands; can relate. Nonetheless, I can't help feeling that I'm the only one going through it, and thinking it's the most embarrassing thing in the world.

Truth 5, it's all fear. I'm scared to let you in. What if they run off with it and prance around showing it to everyone. I can't trust you. I'm scared to deserve the best because I'll mess it up. The pride's the hard exterior of an egg, the fear is the viscous, gelatinous innards; and all is too fragile.

This all leaves me in a dilemma and I'm still figuring out how to solve these contradictions. I'm working on it.

As for all of this, I don't like being taken advantage of. I don't like it when you are too nice, because it's possible I'll fall for it. Let's draw lines and keep our boundaries. So I responded, and told you when I was leaving, even though many times you left me waiting.

Ubiquitous

I see it everywhere. I see it everywhere around me and I want it. I take it back I don't want it. No I want it. I want it but don't want it.