Good memories

Do you remember the first time you asked me out at the town center by my house sitting on those cold metal mesh chairs?

Do you remember how I fell down on that date down a flight of stairs at the Maggianos at the Grove?

Then I brushed it off and left the restaurant saying something about a belt that I needed and we should go to a Best Buy to buy an extension cord in lieu of it?

Do you remember the name of that improv theatre we went to where the theme was about inception?

Do you remember afterwards we then again DTR-ed and sat on a cracked sidewalk where you probably thought what a waste of a comedy show?

Do you remember how disappointed you were when I hesitated to give you a hug for the birthday gift I really wanted that first year?

Do you remember how I didn't show up for your birthday and I called you that Sunday after when you were eating rattlesnake sausages?

Do you remember that ridiculous dance move you did outside of the rim shop I went with you to?

Do you remember the time when nothing went right and we ended up sleeping in the park?

Do you remember coming down to Tijuana and telling Edgar that the next time you see him, he had better out beat you in push-ups?

Do you remember that time in Long Beach where I said we should just be friends and what we did down the pier?

Do you remember that time after the hike in Fullerton what ice cream shop we went to?

Do you remember that time you handmade the gift of the dinosaur? I thought it was pretty awesome.

Do you remember when you clogged the toilet and was super embarrassed?

Do you remember when we were driving and tried to figure out how Elton John's  "Tiny Dancer" went and it all came out in a Southern drawl?

Do you remember when we rapped the song by Kayne West, "Mercy"?

Do you remember the small group iron chef?

I remember. It's hard to think about all the difficult times. Not because I am ignorant to them, but because the past was good. Thank you for all the memories and being able to make me smile about them for years to come. It's all you're ever left with, you know.

The trying past no matter how difficult, elicits a slight movement on the corner of your lips because had you not gone through what you did you would not be who you are today. Let us not be bitter about the past, thinking about wasted time. Let us propel forward with a change in perspective in seeing the beauty of the brokenness a paradox to our instincts.

You are strong and you are loved. You are chosen. You are unique. You are cherished and you are special. You are happy. You are happy. You are happy.



something in you must have changed..in the end it seeemed there was no room for me still, I tried to change your mind...I guess I wanted you more...

For you, for me

I want to let you know if you're out there and reading this, but maybe more for myself because I know it's out there now, that I'm letting you go. I'm loosening my grasp on it and I'm letting us go. I thought that I had done this already, but I had a lot of bitter emotions tied to it then.

"Was there someone else? There had to be.."

"Why?"

"Was it me? was I too much, or perhaps not enough?"

"What?..."

"What just happened?"

"How?"

"@#$5!!!!"

";["

"I regret it"

"I hate you, but more I hate me"

"Wow.."

"Awesome..." (obviously sarcasm here)

Yes, and then some. So, I thought I was doing a good job, then I crashed and I pretty much hit rock bottom where I just let it out, which really was less dramatic than what you might think. It just consisted of me in the shower and scratching deep down my face just so I could feel something else in that moment, you know, no biggie. But you know what they say about hitting bottom, there's no other way but up. So, I think I'm on that route, you know, up. Although, that would consist of me possibly going down again..(wouldn't be me, if I didn't think of this part, you know) Anyway, I don't know what's there out there for me, just taking a leap of faith. Nothing changing, but just my perspectives.

I genuinely wish you all the best and I hope I don't see you. 



Just a Bon Iver kind of day...

Me vs. Me

You.

I've loved you and I've hated you. I've cherished and I've regretted. I've remembered and I've forgotten.

You.

I love you and I hate you. I cherish and I regret. I remember and I forget.

You.

I've gotten upset over you and I've smile at you. I've cried and I've laughed.

You.

It's been loud and it's been silent. It's been hopeful and it's been hopeless.

You.

It's been busy and it's been lonely.

You.

I will love you and I will cherish; I will remember I will smile and I will laugh. I will be happy and I will be hopeful.

Do YOU think if I say this enough it'll be so?

You.

Why?

I win some hours and some days and then I lose some. I lose most. I keep trying to put one foot forward I do. I haven't come far and it's so easy to go back. I've started over again and again and again. Rather it's become a cycle now. I fight myself. It sounds so silly. I'm silly. It's all so silly and who cares? 

I.

I am my best friend and I am my worse enemy. I am my support and I am my own critic.

I.

I am a group and I am one. I am surrounded and I am not.

I.

I am strong and I am utterly weak.

I.

I fight fight fight and I lose.

You have moved on with everyone else. I got left behind and lost without knowing where I am, I am alone. I need to find my way you know? I have to. 

The weight of this world is all too much to bear. 

Who wins tonight? You do you. You win. Even in this battle me vs me you win...

Obsessed

like you would never know.. 

I promise you...

..that I'd never say something intentionally to hurt you 

...to fight while cooking together and throw harsh comments at you as to why you failed in your relationship 

...to say things like "that's why you can't keep a boyfriend" 

...to be loving 

...to say sorry

...I won't put you down 

...time with me will be savored 

...to uplift you 

...to guide you

...to encourage you

...to love you with all my heart 

...to show you that I care even after a long day's work 

...to make you feel worthy 

...and to never ever make you go to your room and cry over all of it and let time just pass by 

because I've been there and know exactly what it's like to hear those things from your own mom. thanks. 

Ugh......

....why can't I move on.....