At a lost for words, and the funny thing is that it's okay.

I didn't know who to turn to on this matter and found myself here. I know the last entry was about words and how powerful they are, but I forget to mention that at times there are no words. There's no power because you're lost in the words you want to form. Sometimes you don't even know what words to form. That's me. I don't know what to say about it all. I can tell you the facts and what happened, but I can't form words around what I feel about it.

What little words I can form about is that I feel drained. I feel weak. I feel like I lost something. I did lose it. I know I can't go back. I'm conflicted.

Then the questions start to roll in. What have I gotten myself into? What can this possibly mean and lead to? How will I face it next? Will time allow it to be easier to adjust? and finally How do I feel about all of it?

They may be a string of letters to you...

Words. It's the most effective, direct way we communicate. Sure social analyst will say nonverbal cues like body language and facial expression are important, but what we say regardless of tone, pitch, or how we're crossing our arms at the time relays the core of the message.

"Stop." (firm)

"Sttooopp..come on.." (smiles)

"Stop please" (short, like when you're saying that's enough)

"Stop!" (quick, urgent)

Yes, it's true the way we say things can change what the meaning is completely. But stop means the same thing: to cease, discontinue, halt.

Words. Sure, they have an impact. They have the power to stir emotions: anger, joy, hurt, inspiration. Maybe that's why we hold such esteem to eloquent speakers in the past because words have the ability to bring unity. Words also have the power to threaten and destroy a person as well. Bullies who tease verbally have driven their victims to take their own lives. Words hold so much power that it can have the word "abuse" attached to it: verbal abuse. Some would argue that verbal abuse could do as much, if not more emotional damage than physical abuse.

Recently I experienced two very different conversations. The exchange of words in one was filled with longing, wishes, and hopes. The other left me confused, bothered, and hurt.

Be careful with what you say, because once it's out there you can't take it back. You can say "sorry", "I didn't mean it", "Let me take that back", but really... you can't take it back. What was said is out there and unless you can turn back time and do it over again, you really can't take it back. I guess the closest to that would be to use the "delete" button on your keyboard, but then again, what is once read is read, and even that you can't take back.

Maybe words can't break your bones, but it sure can leave a lasting impact.

They may be a string of letters to you, but put them together and make a word, a sentence, a paragraph, a speech and observe the power it has.

You probably don't know, but what you said meant so much.

I'm thankful for my worth and yours.

It's been a while since I've done a post. There have been times where I wanted to write about something but then I'd open up a blank post and the white empty screen that stared back overpowered me. Things just sounded boring. Then I remembered that this isn't about creativity, nor fulfilling someone's expectations, it's for me.

I finished watching a documentary called The Bridge and it is about people who commit suicide off the Golden Gate Bridge. It is said that on average one person dies every 15 days. In 2004, 24 people jumped and died. It's such a juxtaposition to the tourists, locals, and children that have glorified the structure.

Many people who died that year felt the same way: they felt no worth, and felt a constant discord throughout their life. A jumper gave his last effort of comfort to his family by saying "Just know that I'm in peace now.."

What makes the difference from one person to another when we all live in the same world, confined by the same rules and obligations, and the little variance we have in the choices we make. How far is the gap between me and Gene Sprague that determines why I live and he died? I have felt the same things too. I know it's not that I was stronger than he was. We all struggle with acceptance, wanting to be loved, happiness, and self-worth. But at the end of the day, what is that made me stay here and for him to jump?

We think we've got it bad. We try to create a greater distance between you and the person who's "got everything" We see a big jump from the poor and the rich. In reality though, I think it's not that big of a distance at all. In fact, we deal with the same family, personal, possibly financial issues. We seem to hide behind the labels and fill into our expected roles, when really we're not so different you and I. Things seem to be so far away from us: attaining a degree, not being single, money, getting that lsat score, love, a job. It's not. It's actually a lot closer than you think.

This Thanksgiving, aside from being grateful for my friends, family, and situation. I'm thankful for my life and everything in it; good and bad. Your life is worth a lot. To me, to you, to your family, and to God.

In the documentary, one passing photographer actually pulled a potential jumper off the ledge she was standing on. Is there really a price tag you can put on a human life? At the end of the day, no matter how much money you have what status and labels you have next to your name we're all connected. We live, breathe and eat. We work, we make relationships, we impact, we care, we cry, we love, we hurt, we laugh, and then yea, we die.

We're not so different you and I...

melt down

The earth cried today, so with it so did I.

Nothing brings you back to reality than a lecture.

Lately I've been hearing things that I don't want to hear, but is true.

It hit all at once.

I know what it is that I need to do, but I'm avoiding it because I want this moment to last a little longer.

Focus on the haves.

Don't panic, just calm down and figure it out, slowly.

It's not the end of the world, stop it.

I can do much better I swear. It's just I have a lot right now and the words come out unrefined and jagged. I wish you could understand my mind.

mute

I know I said I would turn in early today, but thoughts and emotions are so fleeting...I would like to remember that there was a moment where I thought about you and felt this way.

There are dips in my life where sometimes the independent wants to be dependent; the control yearns for the unpredictable; the predictable seeks faith; where the forgotten wants the memory; where the strong becomes ordinary and the lonely needs the someone.

It's the sighing superhero shedding his armor when he retreats back to his chamber; it's the father coming home and taking off his shoes to rub his sore feet.

I would have liked you here today by me, in silence, just your presence. I wanted to go back to when our rendezvous didn't require a dinner for conversation. I wanted it to be simple today, without an agenda. I thought about how nice it would have been to just go for a walk hand in hand and talk; or not. I could have talked, like I always do, but this time it would have been different because you would have been there to just listen. I would have sat down and picked at the grass like I always do, but it wouldn't have been the same today for I would have leaned on your shoulder as I was doing it. I would have made random comments and ramblings of my mind and contemplations of the world like I always do, but it would have been different today because you would have been present to listen to it all. You could be mute for all I care, I just missed you today. You're missing out on what I have to say, and I can't promise that it will all be there when we see each other again.

he didn't remember

You forgot. You forgot and this makes me sad. I'm going to say you forgot rather than you didn't remember because if you didn't remember than you've forgotten about me. This would be despair.

"I love to sleep. Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious at the same time."

Water Brings Diamonds to Grass

Too Proud

Rather stand against the wall and hope no one sees me. I don't want to be touched, hurt, bothered. Everybody but me.

I'm feeling a bit bummed out.

It's hard to comprehend why things didn't happen the way it did.

You knew I needed it and it wasn't delivered. I can't see what it is You're doing often times. I can't help but ask the question "why?".

Now things are in the air, and I don't know where it is I'm going. I'm feeling insecure and like being in a foreign country without map, beginning to get lost.

So what is it then? What now? Where do I go?

In hindsight we try to see whether we did everything we could in our power to make it happen; to have no regrets. We want to believe we did.

I did try.

Sometimes we look for any signs, slivers of hope, and can often make the mistake of trying to make a connection between the occurrences. We want to believe it wasn't just a coincidence.

I thought it was. You woke me up just in time. I even asked you last night if I did wake up in time, I would go.

Then, we become crazy. Even though things didn't turn out the way it did, and in the midst of feeling confused, lost, and frustrated we get another emotion. Right before we see the pieces crumbling a pebble comes to stabilize the wobbling structure. It's not a complete solution, and it's not quite a brick, but at least we've found a way to keep it from completely toppling over. We begin to feel that things will work out and it's not the end-of-the-world. We may do this to rationalize what just happened. We do this to keep our sanity. What a contradiction.

I know I didn't get it this time, but there's always next time. I know it would have been ideal for me to get it now, but it seems like you have other plans. For some odd reason or another, I feel that it will be okay. It's like I fell and was about to cry, but someone gave me a candy bar instead. At least I have this notion.

Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Whether I believe this or not, I'm going to. I need to.

last minute.

a part of me doesn't want to deal with it, so i'm pushing it off, but i know this will come to haunt me and i will regret it.. it's like ignoring the dentist when you have a cavity and when you finally go in you now have to get a root canal.

i need motivation.

It goes on

Summer is winding down. I'm suddenly feeling that I didn't really have one, so now I want to cram things in before school starts up again.

stay up where it's careless and free until we get back down to earth

Relief

Today started out fairly well, and the day only got better. I woke up today and just felt gratitude. I felt thankful for everything despite what I didn't have, and my current situation. I went to service today and two words stuck: "be faithful". I took a trip to the beach and drove down PCH and enjoyed the view. I stopped to take some pictures here and there. I read my book for an hour in the sand and heard people talk about the view. I saw people relaxed and with family. I saw smiles and I heard tears. I met up with some friends I hadn't seen since the beginning of summer and drove home listening to some jazz. I thanked God that I was able to have a day like today. I love how God gives us breaks time to time; allowing the Spirit to uplift us and be joyful even in times of suffering and pain.

I don't know

I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't know what. I don't know who and I don't know where.

All I know is not here, not them, not me, not that, not this, not now, not later, and not this way.

It's so much easier to leave than stay, to forget than remember, to listen than speak, to nod than to say no, to be kind than angry, to show nothing, but feel everything.

I wish you could be stronger. I wish you knew your strength. I wish you knew how to make it on your own instead. I wish you knew that it's different nowadays. I wish you can do what you want to, without asking permission to. I wish you could be free. I wish you realized what power you possess. I wish you knew.

So what happens now? I can't help but become anxious about it all over again. Why can't I not be part of this anymore?

oh how fickle is the human heart

How did it become August already? I remember doing things here and there for the month of July, but altogether it was a blur.

This summer's been a little different; much different from the summer spent as a recent graduate, adjusting to moving back home and continuing life outside of being a student. This summer has been somewhat direction-less.

How quickly can emotions go from one end to the opposite side. How easy can one voice change your mood. How instant can a smile turn into a frown. How possible a chord can strike you in the right place.

The downfall of communication in our generation lies in our reliance on intangible avenues of expressing our facial expressions, body language, tone and pitch of an individual.

I hope you know that sometimes I don't understand you. I can read what it is you're saying, but the messages seem to have lost a certain characteristic in what it was trying to convey. In this, I draw my own conclusions and sometimes find myself offended. Hopefully the efforts you're putting in, is worth as much as I am understanding.

On this particular friday night.

I stayed in and went for a walk.

I came across drawn windows and peeked in. I saw the flickering lights reflecting off bedroom walls. I saw pictures of families and drawings of siblings hanging in the living room. I saw a bookshelf filled with books like a library up against a dinner table. I heard crickets and saw snails. I saw the trickling of water in the gutter as the sprinklers shut off. I caught whiffs of fat drippings roasting on charcoal. I heard sound of the freeway across the street.

I walked in the middle of the road and looked up and I saw the moon. I looked down and saw my shadow casted from the streetlight.

I began to think about people.

I thought about you and what we talked about. I lifted up a short

prayer for what it was you were dealing with when we last talked.

I let my mind wander and everything went through my mind. Then I sat down on a curb and closed my eyes and let the music drown everything out. I opened my eyes again and saw the moon.

It was the first time in a long time, I felt at peace standing still while the world moved.

It's been confusing lately. Everything. So much impending and imminent. Today was good.

I am speechless and completely exhausted. It's all so unfair. I don't get it.

I wish it was all a bad dream, waking up this morning it almost felt like it.

I blew up.

That was unnecessary and inappropriate of me. I'm sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me and taking it out on you. I try to be an example, but sometimes it's hard that I have to constantly remind myself. To be honest it felt good though. At least I had an emotion today. I think it's okay to open the cap a little and let the gases escape, because sometimes the whole thing can explode. I'm sorry.

Giving in

I would like to say that I have control over my life. Control of what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, where I'm going. Control of how I should interpret the day; control of this, but I don't. I'm far from having control. Things happen, are happening, have happened in my life that I have completely no control over. I know this, but why can I not let go?

I want to continue down this path and although I don't have the next bend figured out, I want to lay down the next paved segment of the road. I want to have it arranged the way I want it to; how I think it should be. If I want change, then I want to be the one who determines it.

I've been so far from Him lately, even though in this season it seems that I have all the more time to spend. Ordinarily, I would care about this, or have some emotion for it: guilt. Currently, I do not. I feel apathetic and detached. I feel as if I see myself as a third person, similar to watching a movie emptily.

I can't save you if you don't let me

You just get me like I've never been gotten before..

All things go

This month has been filled with a lot of emotions, and getting to form words about it has been direction-less hence the absence.

Not that I have any down today. But I realized that I am loosing count of days and what I have been doing and the events of my life that should be recorded, which was the purpose of this anyway.

But now that I am here, my mind has gone blank. This is bad.

Well I'll start off with today. I ran errands with my grandma and my uncle today. She made omurice and then we went to Walmart. On the way there, my grandma started rambling (I guess it's a sign of age) and she brought up things that I've been suppressing a lot. I wish I could do more for her. Yeah, I can do better; be better.

Tomorrow will be better. It'll get better; be better.

If the plane goes down, I'll remember

I can't believe it's half way through 2010.

This is an unexpected checkpoint.

6 months ago I moved and some of my things are still in boxes. There is also a pile of assortments that still need to be hung. This marks the year's anniversary of leaving the glories of college. And ultimately it means there's only another 6 months left before 2010 gets written in memory.

I can never forget the times we meet. It is something so fragile and raw. Thank you for reminding me again what it is all about; what I am all about. The grooves between your brows have gotten deeper and the once strong posture is beginning to diminish. I see that I'm running out of time. I am always running out of time.

Currently

Discomfort. it won't go away. Anxiety. i can't drown it out. Laughter. i can't contain it. Future. there is no control. Emotions. they just happen. Passion. it can't be ignored. Expectations. don't have any.

I don't like people coming in and leaving. They just come and teach you things and make you laugh and challenge you and create unforgettable memories and then they just one day just leave. Most of the time they leave and they don't come back. What a tease. Hmph.

Yesteryear

What a long week it's been and it's only half-way through. At this point my impending cumulative exam tomorrow is no longer phasing me.

How quickly a year passes by. Time is a paradox. The weeks may be long and the hours seem never ending, but one day you look at the calendar and realize how much time has elapsed.

Things were very different last year. I couldn't have imagine this is where I'd be a year from then. That's the thing about looking at the past it eventually leads to the possibilities of the future.

Let go

Just let it go. Move forward. It's time. Any more and it will be wasted. There will be better. Finished

drink up baby down

are you in or are you out

leave your things behind

'cause it's all going without you

excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy

these mishaps

you bubble wrap

when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, let go, jump in

oh well, whatcha waiting for

it's alright

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

so let go, let go, jump in

it's amazing here

Waste

It's so strange and familiar; this feeling. The feeling of being busy, consumed with work and meeting friends, going to events, and planning for others. The feeling of a "good" tired because you were productive and the feeling of worthiness because you made someone else's day. But at some time you sit down and catch up with yourself. You begin to reflect and evaluate. You come to the conclusion that everything was meaningless. You feel empty.

You've done so much, but you haven't moved from where you were last time. You've caught up with people telling them what you've been doing, how things are going and what things you're getting ready for. You've update some, briefly, on how things at home have improved, how the relationship with your ex is finally reaching its closure, how the passing of your mom has been more of a healing process, and how your addictions are slowly attenuating. You're driving home or you simple at home and the conversations throughout the day play in your mind. You begin to examine how effective your tone of voice, the muscles in your face, the placing of your arms added to the exaggerations. When you're alone you know the realities of the situation at home, you remember the heart wrenching hour long conversation with your ex, the next morning you wake up crying and calling out for mom, only to turn to your addictions at the end of the day.

Where is the way out in all of this?

If only there was a way where you come home feeling exhausted and content with the things you've done, without really realizing what it is you have done. In essence, allowing yourself to believe yourself through the exaggerations; becoming one with the mask.

I want the world to stop, but it doesn't. It will go on and on regardless of whether you failed an exam, or broke up with your girlfriend, or find out your brother is terminal, or whether you die. The world has no mercy. It will continue with or without you and yet we spend so much time if not all of our lives sacrificing for it and the social structures generations before us have placed.


So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

His name is...

This is an excuse for taking a break from studying for my ludicrous exam tomorrow.

My feelings are still mixed and I haven't had time to process it yet although it's been since morning. I keep thinking about whether I did the right thing, whether I did it out of self-gratification, or pity. I thought about what he might have thought about what was given to him and who it was given by. What did it mean that shortly after, it was no use for him?

I've seen him for weeks now and I finally worked up the courage, but I can't help but to think whether it was just me, or did God really have a hand in it? I could barely meet his eyes as he was thanking me and I quickly turned to head back. I thought about this day many times; playing it over and over again. I knew what I wanted to say and what I wanted to ask, but in the moment all I could do was a swift silent motion, a meek smile and a unnoticeable nod.

Will he remember me tomorrow?

Do I Dare?

What does it mean to push on and endure? How does it look to go beyond all of this and do the impossible? What can be done through inspiration and motivation? Where can this all lead?

This week has been filled with catching up with people. I met up with an elementary friend I hadn't seen in over 5 years. I saw my coworker after she had lost her sister. I caught up with a roommate and had dinner with another. This is what is important.

I feel uneasy and at the edge of my seat this evening. Something is coming.

Where is home?

I get lost answering the question of what is my identity.

It seems like the world has moved on and beyond me and I feel like I've grown, but not with it. How is it that I can blend in and incorporate myself again?

I always liked moving. Of course, it was a pain to pack and say goodbyes and adjust to new routines, but in general I liked the change of scenery and the idea of a fresh start: choosing how and who you wanted to be in a new setting. It has definitely attributed to the knowledge and outlook I have now. I guess in a way though, it has taken it's toil. At first it was great to know people from different places (a great way to crash when visiting). It was nice to take breaks when you could to visit them and step away from the current routine. Slowly after a couple of years, you lose touch and talking about purposeful visits become awkward. Eventually it leads to letting them know you're in town for something else.

You can say the same about growing. Growing like moving takes you to new places and blank canvas. There you begin to paint the picture of yourself and create the image you will most likely be until it is time for you to move on.

After doing this several times, I landed here; confused. I am this and sort of this, I could be that and wish I was more of this. I am this, but not this. I have learned to like that and contradict this. I adapted to you and have lost myself.

Sometimes I wish I had stayed in one spot, in the same scenery, with the same people, talking about memories built upon over the years.

I have chosen the path that I am on now and know where this will all lead. I must find a way to find happiness in it.

Much to do for this week, but little time. I guess when you're up this late you find time for things.

It's all but a number

In the end, it's all just but a number.

The age you are is a number, but says nothing about the memories.

The year it is can mark a decade, but says nothing about the accomplishments.

The paycheck you receive bi-weekly can have commas, but doesn't say anything about the amount of work it required.

The miles on your car is a string of jumbled numbers, but doesn't say anything about where you've gone and what you did there.

The number of clothes you have can lose count, but it's easy to record how many new items you just bought.

The address that marks your house has 5 numbers, but says nothing about how many people have walked in and out.

The number of crayons is usually counted in colors, but it forgets the infinite pictures that can be drawn.

The pack of white paper for your printer comes in an even number, but says nothing about the odd hours into the night you stayed up to write assignments.

The fingers we have are symmetric, but says little about the uneven things we've held and the opposing lives we've touched.

The tissues in boxes overlap each other, but doesn't say how many tears have been shed over the same issue.

The money deposited into your bank account instantaneously is an intangible number on the screen, but something so tangible for our needs.

At the end, it's nothing but lines and curves and small dots with tails.

We are young, heartache to heartache, We stand

The weekend just flew. Things begin to blur together, but now it's back to the Mondays and looking forward to the Fridays. I felt so full from the last past couple of days. Days spent with some good, uplifting people and memories that are now written. Last week was good too. It's been a while since I got to see him. He looked well. I love him. Thank you.

Mmm, starting out in the right foot for this week...except for that speech tomorrow.. oh bug bites.

Things to be noted:
-Santa Maria
-Split lips
-Senor Big Ed (aka Senor EdLargo)
-I scratch your back you scratch mine
-Kisses with DH
-Predestination

-Yahoo Personals
-Patience and Self-confidence; Respect
-Helicopters
-Answer the Call

-Jamba Bugs

Can you open windows for me? I see none in this barren room.

I'm having a hard time

Putting things into words. Expressing my emotions. Showing vulnerability. Giving up and giving in. Sleeping. Being still and alone. Letting you in. Understanding. Figuring it out. Knowing. Justifying.

With time management. Letting go. Grasping reality. Waking up. Staying firm and strong. Holding back. Moving forward. Forgetting. Staying focused.

Seeing your point. Being motivated and disciplined. Trusting you. Showing honesty. Learning. Lifting others. Being encouraged and patient.

Good Morning

This is really going to screw up my pattern for the weekend.

Sometimes I would like to ask myself where I'm going in all of this. It's all so short and yet so easy to eradicate the things in our lives we've come to believe as "waste". What's a waste in your life? Is it the mere acquaintances? Devotionals or countless hours flipping through channels? Legislation or reforms? Absence of deeds? Self-consumerism? Pointless conversations? Endless lectures spent sleeping?

The idea of value is dependent on the individual, I guess there is no standard.

On the list:

-puzzle

-quote project

-REM

-documentation

-organization

-growth

-reality

Excuse me

Excuse me for being so selfish. I realize that the world doesn't revolve around me, not that many people read these posts anyway.

Today marks the first completed week of Lent. Rides without music is something that I can get used to. It makes me see things, things I haven't noticed before. It makes me think of things, things that I have avoided for a long time.

Yesterday was hard. I got down on my knees and prayed. I haven't done that in a long time. I talked to Him about how little faith I had. I know that He is able to do great thing, miraculous things. I know He exists and I can only imagine the magnitude of his power, but I have so little faith. I have so little faith for myself, in that all those things can and are able to happen to me. I have lost faith, so what am I holding onto? The possibility of it; hope. I know who He is and I know what he is capable of. I've heard things and read things. I've been told about what He is able to do, so I want to wait it out. I don't know if you can call that faith, but I can't say that it is. I also talked to Him about how helpless I am. I feel so helpless these days. I feel like there's nothing I can do for what's going here and out there. I told Him.

I want to see your glory. I've seen you work through others and now I want you to work through me. I see that you have placed things and people in my life. I don't know what to do, or how to handle it. I have no directions and I ask for your guide. I know that with my own will and power I can not accomplish anything, but through you and your strength I am able. For this season I want to be overwhelmed by your love. I want to be consumed by your passion and I want you to mold me into something durable. I surrender all of it. Show me what to do next. I have opened my eyes and have seen, so what do I do now? What can I do?

Creeper

Today I spent majority of the time looking at this screen. Grandma came over today and we swept the leaves in the front yard together and she slipped me some money. We took a polaroid to capture the nice day. Mum asked why I'm so awkward around him, and I said because we didn't have much to talk about.

I want human interactions sometimes. I want to plop down and tell someone my life story. It was like that back in the day. Kids don't care who you are, if you lend a ear they'll tell you everything. I guess I ain't no kid anymore. I sit here sometimes and think about things. I cry when I think about some things sometimes. I cry because I am helpless and it's the only thing I can do. I am desperate and longing. I know I don't walk this earth alone, but sometimes it sure feels that way.

It's sad that we all drift apart someday. Eventually people will become memories; eventually becoming disconnected from reality. It's all sad.

My eyes hurt because I have too much time.

How come you don't call? When I talk to you I want to tell you everything. I try really hard to keep the quivers in my voice steady. It's hard to tell you everything. I hope you don't think I call only when I need something. I want to think that the reason you don't is because you have too much to say, but nothing to tell me. I am going to believe it is because you love me too much, and not too little. I am going to believe that even though there is no exchange of words, we both understand each other. I want to believe that you're hurting too. Because I can't possibly think it is because you have forgotten me. I want you to know that I see you in a different light. I want you to know that I see truth in your words. I love you and I hope you are doing well, wherever you are. I would like to hear from you soon.

Through the Simple Things

It's hard giving up music for lent. I have to stop myself several times throughout the day; especially when getting in the car. It's an instinct to press the power button on the radio and I caught myself putting on earphones to the ipod walking to school today. I have to admit this is the first year that I've considered participating in lent and actually giving something up. It's really humbling. The silence is sometimes awkward. The voices in my head get louder.

Two people have been in the same circle for a while and neither one of them took a particular interest in the other, but never pushed the idea away (much like most of the relationships we have). So years go by and they remain platonic, but one beings to develop feelings for the other. They begin a relationship.

When someone grows on you, can you call it love? How come that initial attraction wasn't there before? Do you need an initial attraction? Why did that one all of the sudden develop feelings for the other one? What changed?... Can we change?


I love spaghetti, I will eat it forever. You never fail.

What is this?!

Leave me alone.

Word of the Day

Enthusiast. Enthusiastic, Enthusiasm.

In all its form was heard today. The word kept appearing from my morning class to just an article I read. I wiki-ed it and it said that enthusiasm originally meant someone possessed by God; divine possession. I continued to read the entry and thought it was interesting to quote

"Some who fall into this modern definition of "enthusiasts" are adventurous, constantly busy with many activities with all the energy and enthusiasm of the Puer Aeternus (Peter Pan Complex). At their best they grab life for its different joys and wonders and truly live in the moment but, at their worst, they dash trepidatiously from one new endeavor to another, too scared of disappointment to actually enjoy themselves. Enthusiasts fear being incapable to provide for themselves or to experience life fully."

I see the signs of trouble already. The small arguments, pent up frustrations, built up anger, suppressed emotions, the release of anger through shouting words and slamming doors..all leading up to an explosion. It's so dangerous, and yet so familiar.

What are you trying to tell me through this word today? How can I be an enthusiast right now?

I Come With a Warning Label

Music feels really good right now.

I'm not one to live in the past, but I often think about it. I think about missed connections and what-ifs. I think about the could-of-beens and how situations could be different if I made different decisions. Today's entry will be about the missed connections. As I'm continuing life beyond college, it is the reality that I will lose touch with most. It's happened when I moved elementary schools, and when I went to junior high and when I then later went to high school. But I think about them time to time and wonder where they are now and how life could have been different on my part if I kept up with them.

I wonder where you are now, doing what, meeting who, and what you've overcome. I wish I could hear your stories. I hope our paths cross again someday.

I'm packing it all up

I don't mind the rain. I'm sad to see it go so soon. Classes started. Here we go another 16 weeks. I have a sick churning knot in my stomach. It's not going away.

I know your name and what you represent, but I hardly know you. We've come all this way, and I have yet to know what you like. All I know is that you want to be an author someday. This makes me incredibly sad, and distant. Although our relationship is something that can't be separated. We hang on through sporadic phone calls and murky memories. I want you to be a part of my life forever. Please be there.

Our Hopes and Expectations

I get anxious a lot. It probably comes from over thinking. I woke up anxious, wanting to be unconscious again.

Lately, I seem to be having third person's perspective. When I'm conversing or with others, I have almost an out-of-body experience. It's a feeling of disconnect. I know what I'm saying and I'm paying attention, but I'm not there.

People know you, but they don't. They know how much you want them to know and at maximum they know what you know. I don't know much.

I want you to know. I want you to know everything. I wish I could explain to you who I am and where I'm at, but I can't. I can't form the words and when I open my mouth, it's merely to take a breath. I want to show you. I want to be comfortable around you to show you. I wish we didn't feel pressured to talk, but know enough of each other to understand our silence. I want to be real. I'm bored of using the same line. I wish we could talk about the elephant. I wish we didn't waste our time. I wish I knew you. I want you to see me.

Sitting here, missing a lung

I have magical powers.

Tricked

First impressions are pretty significant. How one presents him/herself sets the tone for how the other party perceives you. Humans are tricky. We can have a great first impression and the more someone learns about you, they realize how that initial contact might have been skewed.

I've learned to not have expectations for people. It's a calling for disappoint and failure. It's better to just take things as they are and to not figure someone out.

In the end, I can only blame myself.

It's all so tricky. I can't live without and I can't live with.

Happy new years. A friend brought a good point. New years is just another day. It's another date and it's really nothing special. New years happen all the time: birthdays, anniversaries, back to schools. It's simply another year to count. It's not like you wake up on New years and your problems are gone nor do you start off with a new slate. Another year means, another year gone, another one starting. It means time is running out. It means crap I'm this old. It means shoot what have I done so far. It means crap I don't know what to do next year.

A year is a blur, and at the end of it you only remember 'important' occasions: graduation, trip to vegas, when you broke your arm, when your aunt got diagnosed with cancer, and maybe you're GPA for the last quarter. Another year past means those memories become consolidated and stored in the 2009 filing cabinet. Another year gone means it's time to move forward.