Victim

We like to play the victim; or I do at least. We like to say that we've gone through the worst and it becomes this nonsensical, unwritten argument about who's been through worse. We sit there and say how "I've got it bad" and nobody can relate and I am my own person because I can't trust anybody anymore. You go through a cycle of envy, then satisfaction (not because anything's changed but you've changed how you think) and it's pretty endless.

I play the victim a lot. I sit there and there say that nobody can understand me and I trust nobody because they all fail and boo hoo to me; while I see others who are surrounded by people and the support they have. I sit here and complain about how I'm going through this alone and there isn't anybody standing up for me like you do. I play the victim card all the time and I'm telling myself to stop being a wuss. Stop playing the helpless role. Stop blaming everything around you and everyone around you (or not around you) and pick yourself up.

So what if people come and go? Why do you define yourself in what you have? Why do you think that you don't have support and nobody's standing up for you? Stand up for yourself! Grow up a bit and stop having yourself a pity party because you know what? You're not going to get anything from it. Stop thinking so negative all the time and take everything for what it is. Enjoy the times you're surrounded and enjoy the times you're not. You can't have everything all the time, tis life. Just be happy and think simply. Don't complicate things beyond what's needed and c'est la vie. I'm not saying be careless and apathetic. I'm saying stop being a downer.

How dare you?

Dedicated to You

Who do you think you are? Coming into my life and tossing me around? I was doing just fine and I told you clear instructions yet you still couldn't follow them. So simple they were. 

Who do you think I am? Some kind of ragged doll that just gets thrown one way or another? 

Who do you think you are? To have that much control, to have that much hold, to have that much power over me? 

Who do you think you are? To invite me in, have me settle in and then kick me out?

Who do you think I am? To sit there and cry endless about it and feel so dumb about having such a big heart? 

Well, I'll tell you. 

I think you're a joke. I think you need to figure it out and STOP trying to use me in the process. I think you have no idea, oblivious and ignorant to your actions and to what comes out of your mouth. I think you're insecure and so so far from the One that takes precedence in my life. 

You don't have that much power over me. You think you can crush me, but I'm persistent, you know. Fine, kick me out. Tear it out and shred it and while I sit there taping it all back together I'll still give it away. But not to you anymore. 

I am not going to feel dumb. I'm a strong bonafided woman. I am someone who knows myself and I have a big heart. A heart that I can't take credit for. A heart so big that even though I think you're the most terrible and evil person in the world I'm going to forgive you. Because He gives me that kind of grace. 

That's who I am.

You go girl. 

Take a break

I've realized today how much I wish to do... I took a break from you and I took a break from this and I just let my mind wander elsewhere. I keep thinking is this it to life? To worry about the next chapter in my life as some kind of next step in a manufacturer's process? To think that my life consists of finishing school to get a job to get paid to find somebody to get married to have kids and then that's it? I know I'm missing a lot of things in between there..but really if you strip everything away is that what my life is suppose to be? So...cookie cutter? So...boxed? Generic? Bandwagon?

I realized I can't be two people. I can't be a person who's living the life in Southern California and be passionate about serving. Not that I can't, I just don't know how, if there is even a way...How do you deal leading what I feel like dual lives?

I think about how much I have..how much we have here in the US. I watched a TED video about this woman who was a North Korean refugee and the hardships she'd gone through to escape and then to go back for her family. When I listen to stories like that I feel as if I get snapped back to reality. Even you, you don't seem to matter...

It's the fear really. The fear to deviate from the bandwagon. Should I just do what everyone else is doing? What's expected of me? What I somewhat can figure out and know about the future? Or do I truly try living life without walls. Without regrets. With love. With grace. With every single reminder why I'm here? Do I explore? and travel? Do I forgo security?

This year I turn 25. Where did the time go? I feel as though so much time passed so quickly yet, what have I done? Yes, after college I freaked out about my life and what direction I was taking. Being a quarter centurion I feel as though there is a direction, but do I come to settle in it with a predictable way or begin  thinking about how I can do more?

Yes, I want to do more. I'm made for so much more. I'm not made to worry about who I'm meeting, how many kids I'm going to have and how many rooms the two story house with a fixed mortgage will have. I'm meant to worry about much more.

This whole marriage thing gets thrown in your face after you graduate college. Almost immediately. You go from feeling young and excited to tackle a career and then people around you get engaged, throw bridal showers, and get married. I admit that was the case for me and I freaked out. I started feeling that I should be worrying about this and began to think in this manner, almost consumed with who got engaged next. But I am nowhere near that commitment. Yes, the sense of security of finding a life partner and settling down to get started on that next chapter is very appealing. But I just don't know how. Coming from the family background I did it's a tremendous terror to make sure a huge commitment. "Getting married is no joke. This is like for real."

When I thought about this today, for  such a brief moment I didn't care for this anymore. It seems so trivial to be consumed lately about what could have been. It's helping me to move on; myself. I'm glad for you to be working for a city you love and to see your life there now..but in a way I'm glad this happened too, because then my life would have been there too and I don't think I would have been truly happy. I mean I don't know..I did think about you today as I laid. I used to stare at you while you slept, thinking about whether I could see us growing old together and I did. I really thought we were going to make it. But the fact that you probably never had that moment of me comforts me in a way. It comforts me because I know you were not the person for me. Because in the end I would want to be thought of the exact way I felt about you. I want to be felt the way I felt for you because it is what I deserve. So don't feel bad, because I'm glad you were able to turn me down. When you said you feel free, I know what you mean...because I feel free too. Free from prediction and free from commitment. It almost feels like a memory, you know? Like  none of it happened, but the past just feels good. A part of me shuns it out and another part is grasping for it as someone would with air and so holding onto nothing. Then at the end I don't know which was what and what was which and then it all just feels like a hazy memory.. 

You seem to be fine, why aren't I?

I missed us today. I went to a wedding and the first since last summer with you and instead of being happy for the couple I was totally distracted. Why can't I move on like you've easily have? I'm so sorry I said no last time. 

But it's all talks of the past...

I am alone in my thoughts tonight. Just this post and me. 

You never truly know what a person is dealing with in that moment. You think you know. You think you have an estimate given the situation, the facial and verbal expressions, but really you have no idea... 

Please

Help me not to lose sight nor focus. Is there a way my eyes can just get stuck on you, perhaps with superglue? Is there a way I could just not think about this at all?

I just can't believe it all..

I have a hard time accepting that this is where you want me to be and what you want for me at this time..

I.just.don't.get.it.

When does it get easier? How can I just bypass this time now..

You suck, and you suck too. You turned me into this horrible monster. I don't know who I am and I sure as heck don't know who you are. You didn't turn me into this, I did it to myself. I only have myself to blame. I don't recognize you and I don't recognize me any more. This isn't who I am. 

Please.