Excuse me

Excuse me for being so selfish. I realize that the world doesn't revolve around me, not that many people read these posts anyway.

Today marks the first completed week of Lent. Rides without music is something that I can get used to. It makes me see things, things I haven't noticed before. It makes me think of things, things that I have avoided for a long time.

Yesterday was hard. I got down on my knees and prayed. I haven't done that in a long time. I talked to Him about how little faith I had. I know that He is able to do great thing, miraculous things. I know He exists and I can only imagine the magnitude of his power, but I have so little faith. I have so little faith for myself, in that all those things can and are able to happen to me. I have lost faith, so what am I holding onto? The possibility of it; hope. I know who He is and I know what he is capable of. I've heard things and read things. I've been told about what He is able to do, so I want to wait it out. I don't know if you can call that faith, but I can't say that it is. I also talked to Him about how helpless I am. I feel so helpless these days. I feel like there's nothing I can do for what's going here and out there. I told Him.

I want to see your glory. I've seen you work through others and now I want you to work through me. I see that you have placed things and people in my life. I don't know what to do, or how to handle it. I have no directions and I ask for your guide. I know that with my own will and power I can not accomplish anything, but through you and your strength I am able. For this season I want to be overwhelmed by your love. I want to be consumed by your passion and I want you to mold me into something durable. I surrender all of it. Show me what to do next. I have opened my eyes and have seen, so what do I do now? What can I do?

Creeper

Today I spent majority of the time looking at this screen. Grandma came over today and we swept the leaves in the front yard together and she slipped me some money. We took a polaroid to capture the nice day. Mum asked why I'm so awkward around him, and I said because we didn't have much to talk about.

I want human interactions sometimes. I want to plop down and tell someone my life story. It was like that back in the day. Kids don't care who you are, if you lend a ear they'll tell you everything. I guess I ain't no kid anymore. I sit here sometimes and think about things. I cry when I think about some things sometimes. I cry because I am helpless and it's the only thing I can do. I am desperate and longing. I know I don't walk this earth alone, but sometimes it sure feels that way.

It's sad that we all drift apart someday. Eventually people will become memories; eventually becoming disconnected from reality. It's all sad.

My eyes hurt because I have too much time.

How come you don't call? When I talk to you I want to tell you everything. I try really hard to keep the quivers in my voice steady. It's hard to tell you everything. I hope you don't think I call only when I need something. I want to think that the reason you don't is because you have too much to say, but nothing to tell me. I am going to believe it is because you love me too much, and not too little. I am going to believe that even though there is no exchange of words, we both understand each other. I want to believe that you're hurting too. Because I can't possibly think it is because you have forgotten me. I want you to know that I see you in a different light. I want you to know that I see truth in your words. I love you and I hope you are doing well, wherever you are. I would like to hear from you soon.

Through the Simple Things

It's hard giving up music for lent. I have to stop myself several times throughout the day; especially when getting in the car. It's an instinct to press the power button on the radio and I caught myself putting on earphones to the ipod walking to school today. I have to admit this is the first year that I've considered participating in lent and actually giving something up. It's really humbling. The silence is sometimes awkward. The voices in my head get louder.

Two people have been in the same circle for a while and neither one of them took a particular interest in the other, but never pushed the idea away (much like most of the relationships we have). So years go by and they remain platonic, but one beings to develop feelings for the other. They begin a relationship.

When someone grows on you, can you call it love? How come that initial attraction wasn't there before? Do you need an initial attraction? Why did that one all of the sudden develop feelings for the other one? What changed?... Can we change?


I love spaghetti, I will eat it forever. You never fail.

What is this?!

Leave me alone.

Word of the Day

Enthusiast. Enthusiastic, Enthusiasm.

In all its form was heard today. The word kept appearing from my morning class to just an article I read. I wiki-ed it and it said that enthusiasm originally meant someone possessed by God; divine possession. I continued to read the entry and thought it was interesting to quote

"Some who fall into this modern definition of "enthusiasts" are adventurous, constantly busy with many activities with all the energy and enthusiasm of the Puer Aeternus (Peter Pan Complex). At their best they grab life for its different joys and wonders and truly live in the moment but, at their worst, they dash trepidatiously from one new endeavor to another, too scared of disappointment to actually enjoy themselves. Enthusiasts fear being incapable to provide for themselves or to experience life fully."

I see the signs of trouble already. The small arguments, pent up frustrations, built up anger, suppressed emotions, the release of anger through shouting words and slamming doors..all leading up to an explosion. It's so dangerous, and yet so familiar.

What are you trying to tell me through this word today? How can I be an enthusiast right now?

I Come With a Warning Label

Music feels really good right now.

I'm not one to live in the past, but I often think about it. I think about missed connections and what-ifs. I think about the could-of-beens and how situations could be different if I made different decisions. Today's entry will be about the missed connections. As I'm continuing life beyond college, it is the reality that I will lose touch with most. It's happened when I moved elementary schools, and when I went to junior high and when I then later went to high school. But I think about them time to time and wonder where they are now and how life could have been different on my part if I kept up with them.

I wonder where you are now, doing what, meeting who, and what you've overcome. I wish I could hear your stories. I hope our paths cross again someday.