1.) I encountered God's presence today. These past couple of weeks have been filled with angst, torture, agony, dark thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and loneliness for a lack of words to describe what's been going on in my life. Some of you know and some of you don't, others may have an idea. I tried to keep as much in, but it still oozes at its seams and I'm deafened from internal screams. I haven't eaten much and have slept little adding to the knots I've accumulated in my 20-something-years. So not being able to focus and with my mind blaring, I decided the best thing to do was something I'm terrible at, but thought I could do with all this energy running through me: run. I was fired up and thought I could channel all this into those things you call muscles, or what little I have. I took off running screaming down the street at eleven in the night (screaming inside my head of course). Then I gassed out at the end of the street, and felt pathetic that I couldn't even do that much. I felt so defeated. This only reiterated what I was already feeling and I beat myself up more. Then feeling so frustrated and wanting to punch a tree I came to my senses and did the next best thing: cry. I asked God "Why did I deserve this?", "I'm a good person", "What have I done?", "Haven't I been through enough?" and repeated those questions over and over again. For the first time in about a year, I was angry at God. Up until now, I just took everything that came, just got knocked down and shook it off slowly getting up again. I took the punches and got pushed around and I took it all. Tonight, I threw a punch back and with my fists in the air I couldn't even put one foot in front of me anymore. I didn't even know where I was any longer and got distracted for a brief moment that someone would creep up on me and I would die. Then I thought "Yeah, well given this track record, I wouldn't be surprised." As I continued to walk some more I decided to try something else. Instead of asking questions, I answered. I talked to myself as God would (not that I really know what that's completely like) and began to repeat "I will bring justice", "You are the wandered sheep I've gone after", "Greater things are yet to come", "Trust me", "Believe me", "Lydia can you do that?"
"No, I can't"
"Then just hang onto me, I will give you faith. I will deliver. I will give you peace. I love you. I hear you my child, I will turn your brokenness into something beautiful. I have plans for you."
"Do you believe me? Do you trust me?"
"I don't know"
"That's okay, I will do everything for you. I will bring you justice"
"Show me, I need you to show me."
Before I knew it, I was having a conversation with myself and I'm surprised the neighbors didn't report a mentally ill person who was talking to herself in the middle of the night. Then I realized I was running the whole time and ended up in front of your house.
2.) I am in a dark place; a spiritual dark place. A place in which God seems so far, and the feelings of defeat have become too overwhelming for me to bear. I've questioned who my friends are, my worth, my value, and my purpose in life. I find myself to be incredibly alone too weak to even reach out and I can do is hope that God's placed me on somebody's mind enough for them to reach out to me. As I walk my life, dragging my burdened self, I find myself with no motivation and with an acceptance that this is all I'm good for. My thoughts continue and develop into how little I matter to be a part of this life and who would really miss me if I was gone. What was once a raging war in myself of competing thoughts, the grim thoughts have taken over. I have been feeling so empty and the only joy I get is in my ability to be a vessel and serve others. But then I am once again overcome with the thoughts that my value is not worth much in this life.
3.) I've thought about you a lot, how you live so close, how I could reach out, but never did. I secretly always hoped that you would. Prayed that God would place me on your mind or heart or some other miracle to happen. Well a miracle did happen. I've passed your house on several occasions thinking of how I should talk to you. Tonight was no different, talking to you was on my mind, but never knowing the means to do it. So as I was coming up on your house, I asked God "Show me, show me, if you are a just God, prove it to me" I turned the corner and I was my house down the street and I saw a man walking two dogs coming towards me. I thought "What if...yeah right...but what if it's you?" It was. It was you and you passed right by me. I don't know if you knew and you were avoiding or it may be that your night vision isn't quite that great (which I do understand, plus I looked terrible so it's probably a good thing). As you passed, I thought "Wow..........wow....wow....really? Okay...we just passed each other, should I turn back and approach?"
In life, or at least in mine, I've realized to seize moments, because that's all that it is: a moment. And as quickly as they come, as quickly they will go and be no more. Ask yourself always, "if I don't do this, will I continue on or always be wondering the 'what if'?" if the answer is yes, then seize that moment, because you may not ever have that encounter ever again. Some say this is "living without regrets."
So I did just that, I turned around and called you. It took some time because again I don't know if you were ignoring me and hoping that I would just turn back or if it was because the headphones you had were really stuck in your ears. Well, by that point, I had made my choice, so I continued to call your name. Eventually, you turned and saw me and we talked. You may never know what that encounter was, but to me that encounter was everything. It was a restoration of my faith, a glimpse of God's power, an understanding of God's love and his tender care for me. Having that encounter with you tonight, proved to me something much more than the details of that conversation itself, it showed me His grace and His reminder that He will always be with me. Emmanuel.
I don't know, if what you told me is true. I doubt that you haven't talked to him since last year because that seems quite unreasonable to me. (I hope you understand that I've developed some slight trust issues in all of this...) I wanted to talk to you because above all things, I feel unjustified. I wanted someone to stand up for me and call him out and set him straight. I don't know if I'd ever ask you to do it, but that's now in the hands of God and how He makes you feel knowing all of this. I wanted someone to say "Hey, that wasn't right and you've lost out on a good girl. That was not cool." I guess I was looking for some validation that I'm a good person and acknowledgement that what he did was wrong.
4.) A friend told me today that maybe during this time God is teaching you to believe in yourself, your worth. Rather than having someone affirm it, believing in yourself first. Believing that you're worth it, that you deserve better and knowing that you're a good person and he's at a lost. Instead of seeking others to say this to you believe that God thinks this way of you and having that faith that you are that person. Now that put things into perspective. I'll be honest, nobody during this time ever confirmed this, even my closest friends. Nobody told me that I am worth it and that I deserve better and that I'm a good person and he's the one who lost out. But I sought those words so hard this past year, and today I realized that hearing that isn't enough. It's believing in that. And I'll be the first to tell you, that's extremely hard. Because first of all, my self-esteem is in the negatives, my confidence shot, and my faith has dwindled into vapor. But God's love for me is so awesome and supreme. More than I could ever remind myself everyday, more than my little faith could comprehend, and ultimately more than my love for myself, His love exceeds.
I'm not going to say that tonight has set my path straight and into the light. I still struggle and I will continue to struggle. But I will tell you this, I needed tonight more than you'll ever know. This is a revival you know. Something that I will always remember. You'll forever me a part of my life to who I'm molding into and who I'll become. Thank you, words cannot express what you did for me today, what you confirmed but the Spirit speaks for me words I cannot form and I hope that God in someway gives you the thought that you saved me today. Saved me in ways more than you'll ever know....
