Learning...yet again

I have realized that my insecurities come to be because I'm seeking it in all the wrong places. I am anxious in where I am, where I'll be, who I'm with, who I'm not with, afraid of the failures rather than excited about endeavors. I try to be defined in my title, success, education, finance, relationships and it's. just. not. working. out.

I have realized that no other relationship can provide me security than my God. How strong of fortress and a rock He shall be in my life. The foundations need to be built again. I need to demolish what's left of this brittle    base that's just crumbling. I've tried to fortify it with temporary patches like putting a band-aid to an open wound. It's just not going to last. So I'm going to start it all over, or at least I'm going to try.

Because it's not your fault. I keep wanting to blame you, but I'm looking at it another way and it's not really you. I'm seeking for too much that no one can really offer to me, but God. 

God, I trust you. I don't know if I wholly believe it with my being yet. But I'm going to keep saying it, because time and time again you're proving that you're all I really have in this world. As people come and go, and as relationships flourish and die, you stay the same. Age after age, you remain. I trust you that the times I go through is part of your bigger plan for me. A plan that I cannot fathom, places I could never imagine, and incredible people I will meet. Help me to be excited, and courageous. Remind me that I should be confident and excited, because that's how you've made me. Replace my anxiousness, insecurities, and worries with optimism.

It's hard not to be mad, but I'm learning to forgive. I'm praying to God for strength, because it is something that I do not have. He will deliver me. 

Where you lead I will follow because as lost as I am you'll take me through these green pastures I do not know of and roads I can't see beyond my feet, but you will guide my path and beckon me to your light and I will look back and see the journey I could not before. 

Boomerang

Time and time again we are reminded the only person who can deliver us and never fail us in truly God. People will lie, cheat, discourage, and never fully satisfy you. Yet, we continue to go back to depending our trust and security in them.

I'm learning in this season, to really trust God; give it to him, rely on Him, find the satiety. Aren't we constantly looking for affirmation? In our appearance, our status, our accomplishments, who I'm with? The so good truth is that I can come as in to Christ. He loves me for who I truly am, and unconditionally love me through all my mistakes. I know He will despite the fact I couldn't finish school, that I gained 10 pounds, that I was still in my pjs answering the door, that I gave into my sins again.

Can we just smile and have confidence in that today? Thank you..

Can you say that?

Losing reality

I keep second guessing what's real and what's not. What's happening and what's happened. I'm losing track of time and days and it's becoming awfully confusing.

It's sometimes a lot easier to not let anyone see your insides. I mean when you're dressed and you're hair's styled and you got that smile you've mastered on your face things are easier. It gets harder when they come over and see your room or catch you on a Friday evening in your pjs after not shaving for a couple of days. Things get awkward because you've gotten comfortable but that was assumed and not mutual. Then it gets ugly because you sit there being the worse critic you could be to yourself and wonder how you got so fooled to be here in the first place. Of course, this is before the struggle you have of telling yourself you could clean up and make something of yourself, but failing more than once to be motivated to.  So yea, it's easier to see the outside because the inside is really a bunch of chaos, self-pity and all kinds of rubbish. 

I'm becoming to wonder how to make of all of this, Quincy. I am beginning to feel utterly foolish. 

Can't be pleased

You couldn't understand what I meant. It wasn't that it would have been the same if you came down. No. For it was truly my perspective you were looking through, you would have seen that you don't have to feel guilty for coming down on my end. Still? You come down I feel bad because you're neglecting your family for work. I go up as a nice gesture because you come down so often, but I feel bad you have to take time away from your family for work. It's really a lose-lose situation here. Do you ever think about how unordinary this is? How much easier I could have it all? I don't think you do. Because if you did, I would have gotten more credit, which I don't. Well it is what it is, isn't it?

I'm back. Well for now..

I'm suppose to be writing my 8-10 pg research paper. Instead? I'm writing in here with only two pages. The paper is relatively interesting. It's about justification. Don't know? ask or google it.

I hate writing. Aside from journaling I hate it. Instead? I stalked some people. Tomorrow I'm going to San Diego. Next week I'm a free woman. Next year I'm  going to be a nurse and in incredible debt. Eff.

I'm not held down, but I do feel that way. What holds us down? A lot of times it's ourselves isn't it? We let the past get the best of us that and fear. What's the difference between that person who's living life and you, who isn't? We can blame the job, the deadlines, the lack of funds, but those are all excuses. Unless you truly do have a family, why aren't we embracing it? Why am I not embracing it? Dah...

What seems like forever

It's here tomorrow..I mean there's still ways to go, but I'm here, sort of. In disbelief, just like when my phone shattered last Friday. It's been quite the journey to get here. Lots of uncertainty, lots of posts, lots of frustrations and tears, lots of hands in the area followed by "why", lots of complaining, and not enough gratitude. Funny how, it's something we know, we hear a lot about, and many sermons done over again on it and we still manage to forget it time to time.

Goodness, I don't know what to expect. I wonder what you all are doing and what points in your life you all are. It'd be nice to hear how far you've come where you are in getting "there" and what's happened the last year. What happened to you?

Summertime snuck up didn't it? (and since when was snuck not a word? is it sneaked? apparently so..oh well) Sure did. Summer of 2012 what memories await me? How can I write this one?

FML

Lots of things have happened already in the first couple of weeks of this new year. Let me record.

Last Wenesday I had an interview of which I still haven't heard back from so I can't deem it as a good thing or not. But I guess it's a good thing because it came out of nowhere. I got a call and scheduled an interview. I can say it went well, but then again who knows.

Last Friday I left my new iphone in the library and had it stolen, by what seems to be a janitor. This was bad. Maybe I was being punished for wanting something I selfishly couldn't afford. Maybe it was never meant for me to have. I want to blame you for telling me to get it, but that doesn't make sense. This leads to Saturday.

Last Saturday I decided to track this thief down. You know, because now you can do that. So I waited two hours, wondering if I should approach him when I saw him. I didn't see him. So I went home. Then my car broke sputtered on th freeway. Poor Walter. Luckily someone asked me if I needed help and I said yes. He told me to go to his friend's shop so I did. I got lucky again when all it was a broken fan belt. (it circulates your water pump, radiator, and power steering fluid, in case you experience something similar) When I drove home it was dark and the whole day had past. Lots of waiting was invovled.

Two days ago, I was on my way tutoring again and I was driving behind a NBC news van. I was caught up and I guess I ran a red. So I got a traffic citation. This is when I broke down.

Why did everything happen all at once so quickly? To make sense of it I believe that there's a reason for all of it. I guess I'm pretty numb now. Yes, it was only a ticket and I'm safe. Yes, I lost my phone and no one came to rob me. But it's hard to look at it that way.

I guess I'm okay now. But it all sucked. Happy New Year.