Just as I think I'm cruising along

I keep self sabotaging as if I'm telling myself I need to constantly restrict myself from ever being at peace.

I get all angry, frustrated, insulted, then feel ultimately defeated. At this point, I can only blame myself.

God, I keep bringing myself back here. I feel so chained. I see that he has moved on and is free and yet I feel all caught up in a sticky web. I keep asking for rectitude and I have yet to witness any of it. Will if ever even come? There have been times I've had moments of peace and thought I was doing okay and then slip into my old ways. I give it up to you Lord, but have so little of faith. I have excepted that justice will never come to me and that I'll have to simply move on. What do I gain from it? Life is unfair. A lawyer will fight for the rest of his career seeking justice, but what good is that in the unfair life we've been dealt? People lose loved ones, become victims of deceit, partners backstab each other, people fall ill and how do you claim justice in any of those situations? You don't. What's the answer here then? To simply, just move on and say oh well? Gosh, I get so bitter when I think about that. I've been so programmed to live life based on merit, but turns out that in a second your merit can mean nothing. You can be the nicest, most loving, kindness, beautiful person in the world and still get cheated and lied to. How do I live in such an imperfect world? 

Why do bad things keep happening to me? No matter, how much I try my bestest to change my perspectives, in my deepest core I still ask that every question. Sigh.... 

My own way of dealing with all this is just to simply ask rhetorical questions and rant on this blog. All I can say is this, I live by the right way and try my best to not wrong people and hopefully I will be rewarded according to my deeds. But who's to say what you did was wrong? Maybe it was me all along, but something or rather someone tells me this isn't so. All I can say is that it is my hope that I will find resolution from this matter, whether it really is just time, but I truly hope for more. That's all I can do hope. 

Life is quite funny...(sometimes)

You can't help but laugh sometimes at the most tragic horrific things that happen in your life, because sometimes it leaves you speechless and all you're left with are not words, or secretions, but just sounds; weird sounds that come out of your mouth and muscles that spasm and contract around your ribs.

Life works in very funny ways (depending on how you look at it, perhaps in another post I would say it's shitty, and yet in another sad) because as soon as it looks good something bad will happen. Therefore, never become too comfortable my friends.

I write this post as a metaphor of my life. I went for a run got motivated and told myself  "You're strong. You're right, I am strong....I'm strong!!" and then what happened? Immediately, I tripped and fell and scraped my palms, skinned my knees and crushed my iphone. Yes, I learned how to walk 22 years ago. I guess experience isn't everything is it. But I got up and laughed because in that moment, I could have given up and said you know what life is sucky and then been super frustrated at myself and after the laughter subsided that did happen, but not as much. More of a "oh man, this stinks" vs. "wow..really? nothing ever good happens to you, you're cursed and you suck."

But with a cracked phone, skinned palms and a scraped knee guess who has the last laugh? I do, because whatever life throws as you, sometimes right after something good comes your way, you'll get through it. Get up, brush yourself off and move on. Put one foot in front of the other and just move on...

Is anyone else's life as such? Tonight's incident is just a humble metaphor of my life. Nothing comes easy!

Happy Birthday

You know who you are..