Yes, I am bitter

This time 3 years ago...our paths crossed wouldn't you say? You said your plans had fallen through so you came home early and went online to see me on. That's how it all started you say. What would have happened if you went out with your friends or I never came on? Could we have avoided all of this? This time last year I helped out at the restaurant because I wanted to and knew that your parents needed the help. I offered up my time knowing that school was about to start and I probably couldn't really contribute if I wanted to. I did my best that night to regulate those who came through your doors. I posted signs with your mom and did my best to turn away those who needed to use the bathroom. I remember you also did your best to keep people from parking in your lot. After several hours, we didn't care and we stepped outside to see the night light up from across the street. As I stood there while your dad took photos on his phone and you stood next to me I never would have thought a year later I'd be here. 12 months go by fast don't it? A half a year has past since I've last talked to you and another 6 months will past and I'll be at a year again. I'm sad that I'm graduating in a  month and you will not be there. I went to a wedding yesterday that you should have been at that restaurant we went to to celebrate our two years and I walked by that very same booth we sat at and I hated you for that moment. I try really hard to think positively and you know how difficult that is for me...I keep telling myself well I'm stronger because of it and if I went back in time, I'd do it all over again because it was worth it. Well, I'm not there yet to fully say that, maybe I need 6 more months. People say they moved on...how does that work anyway when you have memories down that street, at that restaurant, on that date? Is it possible to remove yourself from all that? I have yet to know because every place I revisit, all the roads I  drive down, all the exits I pass, a memory comes with it and I hate it. I wish I could just delete it all. I hate that your associated with a place, a person, a time. Yes, the better person would look on it and smile and say those were good times and move on, but I've haven't gotten that down yet and I'd just rather say I don't want to think about it at all. I've said this before, but I never ever want to see you ever again. I pray that our paths never cross like they did 3 years ago. I don't ever want to hear about you and I'm glad that I don't talk to him or maybe it's he doesn't talk to me. Do I sound bitter? I guess I do, because you took from me things I can't ever get back and left me with all these memories that are tied to all these places and I can't ever be separated from it and for that I despise you.

I feel so embarrassed above all things. More than bitterness I feel so humiliated that I let you in and you saw all my flaws and then broke me. I tried so consciously to push you away and then you fooled me and I fell for you and then you stomped on it. How embarrassing..I don't want to see you because above all, I wouldn't be able to lift my head up because you saw it all and like a naked person fumbling to cover herself I'd feel unjustly exposed, indecent and subpar.

I hope you know what you did and I feel sorry that you were, as you said yourself, a coward , because I deserve better than that. Who does that? Who waits in their car praying for a miracle and doesn't take no for an answer, and then suddenly turns stone cold?

No..I may not have confidence nor the strength to ever stand before you again, but I know that that's not it. That wasn't right, and after all those years I deserved more. I lost all pride and begged you to end things on proper terms and you couldn't even do that. You are a coward, framing to serve and protect, but inside you are a coward. You took an oath to fulfill the duties of a decorated official, but inside you and I know both know what you've done and how shameless it was, you're no man that I would have been able to trust my life with and am glad I found how sooner. I hope that in the years to come, you learn to fulfill your promise to  the community you serve because as of now you are a scared child buckling under your uniform fooling those around you because I know who you are and you should be ashamed.

I apologize for my own weakness of becoming so quick to anger to write this post, but honestly I'm not going to pretend to fluff up things that I want to say, because after all who reads this anyways? Yes, the critics are out to say that I should be mature, look at this in a positive light and all those good things, and yes I have done that and will continue to strive for it. Just today, I'm human too, and though it's not an excuse should we really be judging each other? I would say this is the equivalent of me throwing punches in my pillow and screaming into a tub of ice cream, maybe it's the heat? Okay, let's stop projecting, I was angry and I was bitter, and as much as I didn't want to post this. I want to document a time where I felt this way and as a marker for future growth to come. If you've read up until this point I guess you cared enough to see that it was more than a rant. So, thank you. 

Toils

2 moons remain until the day I end
A lot remains to happen between now and then
By now I prop my head up with my hands
To pay attention and look beyond
Because everyday until then I fight from being defeated
Looking at the ground instead of my path I've chosen
I've chosen you or?
My life remains in your hands
and I fight to be reminded
these are not my plans.
Time as come now for me to keep quiet
even though my insides are echoing in screams
Put a nice smile on for the masses
as I keep my head low and finish with passes.
Only 7 more weeks until it ends
I must keep toiling, it'll be here before I make amends

I know who am, but who are you (to judge...)?

Self-awareness and then passing judgments are the topics for today. Yes, we shouldn't judge, but let's face it, we do.

How many of us can really honestly say we know who we are? Maybe we know ourselves better than anyone else, but do we really know ourselves? What I've found recently is that people have a delusion of themselves. For most girls, this has to do with the fact that we perceive ourselves much less than how others would describe. The perfect example of this is shown in the following clip that I'm sure many have seen.



This goes back to the confidence post I wrote earlier about how girls really have a distorted view of themselves. Girls deal with insecurities that deals with their weight, looks, skin, height, and body shape (and this doesn't include internal insecurities we have..which is a whole other post). Most girls fall into this category. Now, I want to address the minority that don't. In much the opposite, there are some who are equally oblivious as to their own flaws (because, trust me, we all have them). In this category, most girls have gotten this notion from possibly continuous comments of how skinny they are, how fashionable and trendy they are, looks from others, getting the guys they want, etc. Years of this may possibly make someone quite confident (or not, but let's stick with the other). In the same category though, a smaller population of girls are not attractive (I guess this is subjective, so I'm speaking from my opinion), don't have the best skin, don't have the nicest personality, pretty ordinary, and possibly not even the skinniest and yet they have the same confidence. Confidence seems like a nicer way to put it, maybe I'm looking for another word, pompous?

What I want to write about is, how that small population will still judge others of their looks. Ironically, I've made a judgement about them, oops. I guess the point is, what gives the right for anyone to judge anybody, including yourself. There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance, yet another among self-depreciation  and humbleness. Should we be passing judgments on others and pointing out their flaws when we have flaws of our own, perhaps even greater ones?

Let us do unto others as you would have them do for you.