beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

there's always someone more beautiful than you. you can either come to accept this fact or you can come to accept yourself and learn then that you're a beautiful person too.

how we look at things. i can really only see through my own eyes. my now -7.50 eyes. i am the beholder so what i deem beautiful is beautiful indeed.

I needed that. I mean not the pie, but you know the thought, the affirmation, yeah...the pie. 

words i came across today: bodega, lorem ipsum, exsanguinate

to your own standard

I've been finding myself comparing a lot these days.

I wish I could go to Paris too.

You looked nice in that new dress.

It must be nice to have your own place.

So, you got into that program huh?

Oh, you work there now?

Good for you.

Nothing good comes out of comparing because the way I do it it's not constructive nor motivational. Instead I look outward and then inward at my own life and I begin to see all the negatives and the lack. I know I have a lot. But why is it that it's so hard to be content? Why do we have a constant yearning for more, but not of the right one? I see everyone moving towards one thing or another I feel anchored. I'm moving too right? Someone else is looking at me and saying "Oh, cool she's doing that now" right?

All you can do is compare to yourself. Compare how much you've progressed and hold yourself to your own standard. Sometimes, that's worse. Knowing how long you've been stuck at one place for not growing.

Forgive me for forgetting who I am and how much You have blessed me. Forgive me for wanting a pass, some stability, acceptance to a school, the job, the affirmation. I know that it is already given. Forgive me for I have so little faith and have forgotten Your power. I know that all these things I seek I can find in you. I know that in you is contentment, security, and company. Help me to lean on you more for my fulfillment.

Words I came across today: accosted, redeem, reconcile, percolated, indispose

a tutti frutti eat in your car kind of day.

With summer gone past so fast, it's catching up to me now how we only have four months left till the close of 2012. I feel as though I'm always counting. Counting til, down, money, days, dates, times, hours, calories, meals, tickets, and years.

You ever feel surrounded but feel incredibly alone? We live with 6.7 billion people, 3 million alone in orange county, 30 something coworkers, 6 friendship and even 1 relationship and you still manage to feel alone on a Friday night. I am 22 still right?

Only relieve came from looking up and seeing clouds today, that and eating a tub of tutti frutti in the car, oh and a much grateful phone conversation.

Just one of those days. Hope tomorrow's better.

That's the thing about a moment sometimes you can be a little too late.

http://youtu.be/lqSKVv6YO8g

Itches

Refresh. Focus. Independence.

Let's not forget.

I'm tired of being tired

I can't go to sleep. After staying up until a certain time by myself I don't want to go to sleep. I hate it. I feel exhausted the next day. But I'm uncomfortable turning in at this point. I'm tired.

not so wasted

After a looong time of just sitting around and not really paying attention to deadlines and the whole admissions process I gathered up some nerve as well as some energy to sit down and dedicate some time in researching schools.

It comes in waves. There are times I'm pretty hopeful that things will work out and though it may not be in my own timing, I feel a sense of peace. Then, of course there are other times, majority of the time where I am drowned in doubts, concerns and panic.

At least I did something today. Small steps is better than none right? Hopefully those steps are in the right directions.

I'm sorry I haven't called. There's no excuse, though that's what I seem to be using all the time now; excuses. I miss you terribly. I saw pictures of you guys and it reminded me of how much I missed out on everything there. Can we plan to see each other sometime soon?

All in yours

I leave it all in your hands. Out of my control and into yours. I completely surrender at the point of exhaustion, hopelessness, and defeat. I have nothing to lean on except on faith.

Decipher

Too many thoughts to organize, and a bit too tired to do so. Thought this, then that, didn't want to finalize anything so I thought I'd simply drown it out with some Paul Simon

When I was thirteen, I didn't have my first love, I went through puberty and rode an emotional roller coaster.

I came across my old journal that was on my desk squeezed in between a "singing in the rain" dvd and my speech book. Reading some of the entries were pretty funny. I apparently was an angry teen. One entry covers me dissatisfied with a haircut, which gave the perfect reason to take it out on paper, using vulgar language which I thought at the time made me so "bad-ass". Another one talked about how a hug from a guy gave me a "tingly" feeling. I LOL-ed on that one. But actually most of the entries covers a sad period of my life. A period of self-identity, confusion, frustrations, contemplation, questioning the meaning of life, and ultimately diving into a deep time of isolation. Reading it was pretty depressing after a while, that at the age of thirteen, I was too serious and too sad.

I think a simple goal in life that I have is to be happy. Though there is suffering around us, frustrations amongst us, and doubts drowning us, we're not just treading water. I think God would want us to be that way too. We spend too much time burden by the weight of worry, regrets, and the "what ifs". After all, consumers have contributed to the billion dollar industry in drugs to make them happy haven't they? Why is something so simple as happiness been muddled in our lives? Why are we depressed, consumed in anxiety, and dissatisfaction? What happened to our free-spirited beings? Haven't we been called to freedom in Christ?

This led me to think about my own happiness. Am I happy? Have I brought others around me happiness? I worry too much, have too many insecurities, and made one to many comparisons to be.

Last Sunday's sermon comes into mind.

Unless you change to become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven -Matthew 18:3.

Children are so innocent in such a powerful, encouraging way. What happened to that fervor? Too many times have I wished to be back on the lawn running through the sprinklers in my one piece neon swimsuit, thinking only about how much longer I'd be allowed to be outside before it was time for dinner. A time where I didn't care about how my swimsuit looked, or how I looked in it. A time where waterproof mascara didn't exist, and relationships were smaller and much more intimate. I want to try to live like a child again. Where I am free from the burdens of this world because there's much more to life than that.

I need it to be just me for now. It's been swell, but I think the time has come for us to move on.

It comes in waves

Appreciation

I lented facebook this year and being back on it doesn't seem as satisfying, in fact it's discouraging. I keep getting news feed about so and so getting into their awaited grad school, or yea he's engaged, or pictures of place she's gone to travel to. So I find myself, comparing, and seeing that I feel really stuck where I am.

I took some time off this week to just think over some things in my life. Today I felt that I went unnoticed and unappreciated. As a result, I didn't get to eat dinner, and I have to return shorts. I thought about a lot of people who've come across my life today, and I wondered whether somewhere out there someone is thinking about me. I don't mean the oh-yea-I'll-see-her-tomorrow people, but the people you haven't thought about in a while, those people. Maybe they don't.

I thought about my family members today. How often do you think about your grandparents? Or the black sheep of your family? How often do you think to want to buy something for them or spend some time grabbing something they'd want to eat instead? I can't say that I do, but I did today.

We get so focused on we think life is about. There's a lot more to life than that and this.

Oh, I also thought about you:

-How was Oregon?

-Is your car matte?

-What's your younger sister doing now?

-Dude, where are you now?

-Did you get to eat sushi for dinner again?

-How was the show?

-I'm sorry, I didn't get to call you.

-Wow, so you're getting married?

-Did you get to eat dinner?

that makes it 9. Hope you know that you're appreciated because someone you probably wouldn't have guessed, thought about you today.

Do you know me?

Sometimes I feel as though nobody gets me. Does anyone else feel like that? Sure you have your friends, your family, and a community perhaps, but there are still times where you're alone with yourself. Though there is nothing wrong with being by oneself, it does question who does know you. And in this moment, what I feel varies. It can be frustration, loneliness, a surge of independence, or even a simple contentment.

Today, I feel the latter. Yea sure, maybe I get this feeling as though nobody knows me or that I'm surrounded but feel alone, but finding almost peace in it, as if I knew it already. These are the times when I know that the Father is the only one that knows me. Although I show different sides with different people, that He knows everything.

Is it just me? I show clips of myself to people and though it is genuine, I feel as if nobody really has the whole picture of me all the time, and maybe that this feat is unattainable.

I've always seen my life as a me vs. world picture. That as life plays its reel, I am in transition to the next scene. Everything is a horizontal relationship and things don't last. You trust only in yourself and know that it is only you that carries over. It has climaxes and falls, protagonists and antagonists, events and memories, but you see that the character is detached from it all. He's just going through the motions and sure the previous scene affects the subsequent ones, but only the finite things. Like graduating college allows the character to pursue his career and the guarded heart is from the previous scene about how he came from a broken relationship. Does this even make sense??

I guess the best way to say it is that I feel dead. I am going through the motions acting my roles and being present, but feeling absent.

ei:

It's a day late, but March was Women's History Month.

the only thing consistent is change

It's getting harder and harder to post entries, probably because I feel as though I should write something of intellect consumption. Well, more like I should bring something new to write about. Though I could care less of who keeps up reading all of this. More for me really. Hah, oh juxtaposition.

What a funky month. We changed our clocks, declared spring, and here we are at the end of it all.

Up and down, can't quite figure it quite out. I'm hypothesizing.

Where's is everyone? It's as if I've just realized this. Where's the effect? Not to be seen of course. Why? Possibly because I knew. I saw it coming. Oh well life continues don't it?

The questions: What am i doing? Where to now? alternates. The former preoccupies Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. The latter Sundays and Wednesdays. Saturdays I take a break. Can't crumble on a weekend now can you? Pull it together for another round!

How Does One Become?

I have random thoughts throughout the day, it's a frequent occurrence.

Today I thought about how some people end up in the jobs that they do. I saw a receptionist today that clearly had some past in burlesque shows. I wondered how she ended up as a receptionist. It was obvious that she still styled herself in a retro seductive way (is that even a word? am I passing judgement? I guess so.)

Then as I was making a sandwich after a quick run, I thought about how people would work in the Food, Drugs and Administration Department. Well first I thought, "I wonder who inspected the turkey meat?" Then it went to, "it would be a pleasant job to just inspect food and come across unique fruits. Do they just throw those food away? Well that sure is a waste." Finally I came across the original thought about how one would end up working at the FDA anyway. Or even a food chemist or a pesticide specialist. Maybe there's some easy answers to all of these. Oh curiosity, you sure are a double edged sword.

I would like to have friends that are in various jobs so that I may be able to find the answers to some of my questions one day.. I mean how does one just wake up and decide they're going to be window washers??

how do i

It's not just the class I need, really. It's the direction. Where is it that you want me to be and how should I get there?

I got worried there for a moment you see. I know better than to reacted the way that I did. All that built up encouragement crumbled so fast and dissipated ever so quickly that by the time I saw the hole in the bag, I was left without any sand. I can't go pick up every grain. I guess, I'll have to fill it again.

Let me breathe. I'll keep telling myself that it will all be okay.

Take me somewhere, anywhere.

Impatience.

I want to know....now. It doesn't have to be the class you know, just something, anything. Could you let me know?

I'm kind of going at this blindly now. Trial and error. I guess I'll soon find out where the door knob is by feeling against the wall. Is that it? Nope, that's the light switch. How about this one? Try again, that's the frame.

Let me breathe. It's not the end. I keep thinking that it is. That if not this, then nothing, ever. That's not true, I deathly hope.

Hope. Yea, we all can use some of that. I think that's the first grain that goes into the bag.

Chaos vs. Peace

I teeter a fine line everyday. A balance of overwhelming anxiety brought upon by fear and uncertainty contrasted to the serene satisfaction in the small things. Sometimes the chaos can be suppressed and is so often, to avoid questions I'm not ready for, or rather don't want to face. But ever so sly, does it creep up on you. This is the daily battle. I win sometimes, and I lose on other days. The balancing act is me keeping track of my sanity.

Self Worth.

I've got to be honest. I know my identity in Christ and who I am by what the Book claims me to be. But I want to have self-worth in this world too. Is that so wrong? I want to be somebody. I want to be worthy and not only in the eyes of the One who matters, but to those around me too. I want the labels and the credentials and yeah, it would be nice to be paid for it too. I want to be accomplished and polished. I want to be somebody, but not just anybody. I want to be someone needed, and important. I want to be of worth and value. And I'm not talking about not being worthy to those who know me, but I want people I haven't met to recognize that worth. So yes, I am struggling with the fact that I'm not where I'd hope to be from my projections of last year. I know I have only myself to blame. Yes, this is a lashing out.

Yeah okay that's me being human, so what? I didn't say I wasn't a sinner. Put your fingers away. You can point it in another direction.

2011=Acceptance? Yeah, we'll see.

As most of you know, I have control issues, if you didn't, you do now. In particular, there is this one person I end up controlling a lot. Mostly, how I would like him to think; that it should be like me. But is it there something wrong with the idea of taking value upon success, freedom, and having ambitions? I mean, isn't that everyone? Well, maybe not.

I became very conflicted after finding out that he didn't have the same opinion as me when it came to talking about the use of pot. I felt that I did a good job in explaining why the use of it was a disdain. I gave good reasons as to why I would like to be free from being dependent from the things of this world like money and how drugs would bind you. I continued to disagree that although it is an outlet to cope with stress, there are much healthier alternatives to cope and even pointed out things he admitted he'd like to do when he was stressed like being in nature.

Well anyway, this brings up the real matter or rather question in hand. What defines right and wrong? I mean is it so wrong to smoke out once in a while? Is it wrong to have a drink after a stressful day? What's wrong with getting drunk and having a 'good' time? How far is too far? I mean as long as I have a conscious and know where to draw the line and at the end of it have no regrets does that constitute what's 'right'? Do I just love the way he is and allow him to do what he wants? I can't fix him, can I? I should just love on him and accept him how he is? I've been having great conflict in answering these questions and have found myself settling.

Compromise.

But in the end, what am I to stick by? There seems to be holes and exceptions that doesn't fit with the morals I've been taught.

This year feels much different from last. I felt every pumped and ready to take on 2010. For 2011, I have an unsettling feeling. Maybe it's how it started out...There are some changes coming this year, whether it's for the better or worse, I shall ride through them.