On this particular friday night.

I stayed in and went for a walk.

I came across drawn windows and peeked in. I saw the flickering lights reflecting off bedroom walls. I saw pictures of families and drawings of siblings hanging in the living room. I saw a bookshelf filled with books like a library up against a dinner table. I heard crickets and saw snails. I saw the trickling of water in the gutter as the sprinklers shut off. I caught whiffs of fat drippings roasting on charcoal. I heard sound of the freeway across the street.

I walked in the middle of the road and looked up and I saw the moon. I looked down and saw my shadow casted from the streetlight.

I began to think about people.

I thought about you and what we talked about. I lifted up a short

prayer for what it was you were dealing with when we last talked.

I let my mind wander and everything went through my mind. Then I sat down on a curb and closed my eyes and let the music drown everything out. I opened my eyes again and saw the moon.

It was the first time in a long time, I felt at peace standing still while the world moved.

It's been confusing lately. Everything. So much impending and imminent. Today was good.

I am speechless and completely exhausted. It's all so unfair. I don't get it.

I wish it was all a bad dream, waking up this morning it almost felt like it.

I blew up.

That was unnecessary and inappropriate of me. I'm sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me and taking it out on you. I try to be an example, but sometimes it's hard that I have to constantly remind myself. To be honest it felt good though. At least I had an emotion today. I think it's okay to open the cap a little and let the gases escape, because sometimes the whole thing can explode. I'm sorry.

Giving in

I would like to say that I have control over my life. Control of what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, where I'm going. Control of how I should interpret the day; control of this, but I don't. I'm far from having control. Things happen, are happening, have happened in my life that I have completely no control over. I know this, but why can I not let go?

I want to continue down this path and although I don't have the next bend figured out, I want to lay down the next paved segment of the road. I want to have it arranged the way I want it to; how I think it should be. If I want change, then I want to be the one who determines it.

I've been so far from Him lately, even though in this season it seems that I have all the more time to spend. Ordinarily, I would care about this, or have some emotion for it: guilt. Currently, I do not. I feel apathetic and detached. I feel as if I see myself as a third person, similar to watching a movie emptily.

I can't save you if you don't let me

You just get me like I've never been gotten before..