I have realized that my insecurities come to be because I'm seeking it in all the wrong places. I am anxious in where I am, where I'll be, who I'm with, who I'm not with, afraid of the failures rather than excited about endeavors. I try to be defined in my title, success, education, finance, relationships and it's. just. not. working. out.
I have realized that no other relationship can provide me security than my God. How strong of fortress and a rock He shall be in my life. The foundations need to be built again. I need to demolish what's left of this brittle base that's just crumbling. I've tried to fortify it with temporary patches like putting a band-aid to an open wound. It's just not going to last. So I'm going to start it all over, or at least I'm going to try.
Because it's not your fault. I keep wanting to blame you, but I'm looking at it another way and it's not really you. I'm seeking for too much that no one can really offer to me, but God.
God, I trust you. I don't know if I wholly believe it with my being yet. But I'm going to keep saying it, because time and time again you're proving that you're all I really have in this world. As people come and go, and as relationships flourish and die, you stay the same. Age after age, you remain. I trust you that the times I go through is part of your bigger plan for me. A plan that I cannot fathom, places I could never imagine, and incredible people I will meet. Help me to be excited, and courageous. Remind me that I should be confident and excited, because that's how you've made me. Replace my anxiousness, insecurities, and worries with optimism.
It's hard not to be mad, but I'm learning to forgive. I'm praying to God for strength, because it is something that I do not have. He will deliver me.
Where you lead I will follow because as lost as I am you'll take me through these green pastures I do not know of and roads I can't see beyond my feet, but you will guide my path and beckon me to your light and I will look back and see the journey I could not before.
