mute

I know I said I would turn in early today, but thoughts and emotions are so fleeting...I would like to remember that there was a moment where I thought about you and felt this way.

There are dips in my life where sometimes the independent wants to be dependent; the control yearns for the unpredictable; the predictable seeks faith; where the forgotten wants the memory; where the strong becomes ordinary and the lonely needs the someone.

It's the sighing superhero shedding his armor when he retreats back to his chamber; it's the father coming home and taking off his shoes to rub his sore feet.

I would have liked you here today by me, in silence, just your presence. I wanted to go back to when our rendezvous didn't require a dinner for conversation. I wanted it to be simple today, without an agenda. I thought about how nice it would have been to just go for a walk hand in hand and talk; or not. I could have talked, like I always do, but this time it would have been different because you would have been there to just listen. I would have sat down and picked at the grass like I always do, but it wouldn't have been the same today for I would have leaned on your shoulder as I was doing it. I would have made random comments and ramblings of my mind and contemplations of the world like I always do, but it would have been different today because you would have been present to listen to it all. You could be mute for all I care, I just missed you today. You're missing out on what I have to say, and I can't promise that it will all be there when we see each other again.

he didn't remember

You forgot. You forgot and this makes me sad. I'm going to say you forgot rather than you didn't remember because if you didn't remember than you've forgotten about me. This would be despair.

"I love to sleep. Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious at the same time."

Water Brings Diamonds to Grass

Too Proud

Rather stand against the wall and hope no one sees me. I don't want to be touched, hurt, bothered. Everybody but me.

I'm feeling a bit bummed out.

It's hard to comprehend why things didn't happen the way it did.

You knew I needed it and it wasn't delivered. I can't see what it is You're doing often times. I can't help but ask the question "why?".

Now things are in the air, and I don't know where it is I'm going. I'm feeling insecure and like being in a foreign country without map, beginning to get lost.

So what is it then? What now? Where do I go?

In hindsight we try to see whether we did everything we could in our power to make it happen; to have no regrets. We want to believe we did.

I did try.

Sometimes we look for any signs, slivers of hope, and can often make the mistake of trying to make a connection between the occurrences. We want to believe it wasn't just a coincidence.

I thought it was. You woke me up just in time. I even asked you last night if I did wake up in time, I would go.

Then, we become crazy. Even though things didn't turn out the way it did, and in the midst of feeling confused, lost, and frustrated we get another emotion. Right before we see the pieces crumbling a pebble comes to stabilize the wobbling structure. It's not a complete solution, and it's not quite a brick, but at least we've found a way to keep it from completely toppling over. We begin to feel that things will work out and it's not the end-of-the-world. We may do this to rationalize what just happened. We do this to keep our sanity. What a contradiction.

I know I didn't get it this time, but there's always next time. I know it would have been ideal for me to get it now, but it seems like you have other plans. For some odd reason or another, I feel that it will be okay. It's like I fell and was about to cry, but someone gave me a candy bar instead. At least I have this notion.

Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Whether I believe this or not, I'm going to. I need to.