Appreciation

I lented facebook this year and being back on it doesn't seem as satisfying, in fact it's discouraging. I keep getting news feed about so and so getting into their awaited grad school, or yea he's engaged, or pictures of place she's gone to travel to. So I find myself, comparing, and seeing that I feel really stuck where I am.

I took some time off this week to just think over some things in my life. Today I felt that I went unnoticed and unappreciated. As a result, I didn't get to eat dinner, and I have to return shorts. I thought about a lot of people who've come across my life today, and I wondered whether somewhere out there someone is thinking about me. I don't mean the oh-yea-I'll-see-her-tomorrow people, but the people you haven't thought about in a while, those people. Maybe they don't.

I thought about my family members today. How often do you think about your grandparents? Or the black sheep of your family? How often do you think to want to buy something for them or spend some time grabbing something they'd want to eat instead? I can't say that I do, but I did today.

We get so focused on we think life is about. There's a lot more to life than that and this.

Oh, I also thought about you:

-How was Oregon?

-Is your car matte?

-What's your younger sister doing now?

-Dude, where are you now?

-Did you get to eat sushi for dinner again?

-How was the show?

-I'm sorry, I didn't get to call you.

-Wow, so you're getting married?

-Did you get to eat dinner?

that makes it 9. Hope you know that you're appreciated because someone you probably wouldn't have guessed, thought about you today.

Do you know me?

Sometimes I feel as though nobody gets me. Does anyone else feel like that? Sure you have your friends, your family, and a community perhaps, but there are still times where you're alone with yourself. Though there is nothing wrong with being by oneself, it does question who does know you. And in this moment, what I feel varies. It can be frustration, loneliness, a surge of independence, or even a simple contentment.

Today, I feel the latter. Yea sure, maybe I get this feeling as though nobody knows me or that I'm surrounded but feel alone, but finding almost peace in it, as if I knew it already. These are the times when I know that the Father is the only one that knows me. Although I show different sides with different people, that He knows everything.

Is it just me? I show clips of myself to people and though it is genuine, I feel as if nobody really has the whole picture of me all the time, and maybe that this feat is unattainable.

I've always seen my life as a me vs. world picture. That as life plays its reel, I am in transition to the next scene. Everything is a horizontal relationship and things don't last. You trust only in yourself and know that it is only you that carries over. It has climaxes and falls, protagonists and antagonists, events and memories, but you see that the character is detached from it all. He's just going through the motions and sure the previous scene affects the subsequent ones, but only the finite things. Like graduating college allows the character to pursue his career and the guarded heart is from the previous scene about how he came from a broken relationship. Does this even make sense??

I guess the best way to say it is that I feel dead. I am going through the motions acting my roles and being present, but feeling absent.

ei:

It's a day late, but March was Women's History Month.