Overall I had a crappy day. crappy week, crappy month, crappy summer, overall i had a pretty crappy year.
I'm fluctuating so much in my emotions it's crazy. I'll cry on spot if you ask me to. I could have had a meltdown today, but I took a deep breath, ate, blinked a couple times, and forced a smile and saved myself. The things that are just going on right now.. looking at it from a third person's point of view is utter chaos. It's like the plumbing pipes burst and mysterious black gunk flew all over your porcelain toilet and your 1000 threadcount Tommy Hilfiger towels. That's the closest I can describe the scene. The plumbing's not the only problem, but you discover that the sink is clogged, the paint from the walls are peeling, the dust on the floor has formed a hairball, there's mildew that will take a hour's worth of scrub to get off. Problem after problem. Can there be beauty is such mess? I hope so. I really hope so. All this pain, suffering, frustrations, trials, strains, tears it must add up to something. I have to believe this, or else I just might go crazy, like psychotic.
Friends you keep me sane. I've learned to take in the small things. No matter how crappy my situation is, look out there. Raise your head and just look. I'll be going MIA. I'm dealing with too much. I can't face anyone, I think I'll break. I just can't. Nor do I really feel like putting up a front. Right now, I'm a mess and until I clean everything up, I don't really feel like having laughs and giggles. Do understand. I'll be back, soon hopefully, soon.
Friday, September 25, 2009
maybe we're not so cool as we thought
I'm a sucker for good endings. There are many times in our lives where we try to fight the system, complain and be frustrated with our wrongs. We try to find loopholes and take the easy way out and refuse to give in. We want to find our way or doing things instead of following the paved path. We think we're better. We think we can do it on our own.
What does this notion of complete surrender mean? Just declaring it? Journaling it? Making promises and goals? To me, complete surrender is realizing that there's no better way. It's a defeat. Defeat to your own stubborn ways. It's submission. It's understanding that we can't do it on our own. It's understanding that defying systems and organization won't work out for the better. It is realizing that doing things my way, is lonely.
I got inspiration from one of my revered TV series, House (I'm looking forward to this season). House is stuck in a situation where initially, he spends days devising plans to leave the psychiatric institution he's been unwilling placed in. He is soon defeated and succumbs to the systems of the psychiatric center and learns that this is in fact the better route. Some people see it as a complete failure. Failure to stand up to your own beliefs and stick it out and try and cheat the system, like one of the characters in the episode. However, in the end, even he givens in and realizes that maybe that's the only way out.
My other question is: why does it take us so long to realize that our way will not work? I think humans have the natural instinct to be individualist. We want to be a trend setter and not jump on the bandwagon. We have to stand out among the crowd rather than blend in. We want to be the rebel. We want to set the norm for others to follow, but when you realize that no one is actually following, or that people are giving you weird looks, we smile a sheepishly and return to the group. We want acceptance.
I want to try complete surrender. I want to give up control. I want to be relieved. I don't want to be anxious. I want to take things for what it's worth. I want obedience.
What does this notion of complete surrender mean? Just declaring it? Journaling it? Making promises and goals? To me, complete surrender is realizing that there's no better way. It's a defeat. Defeat to your own stubborn ways. It's submission. It's understanding that we can't do it on our own. It's understanding that defying systems and organization won't work out for the better. It is realizing that doing things my way, is lonely.
I got inspiration from one of my revered TV series, House (I'm looking forward to this season). House is stuck in a situation where initially, he spends days devising plans to leave the psychiatric institution he's been unwilling placed in. He is soon defeated and succumbs to the systems of the psychiatric center and learns that this is in fact the better route. Some people see it as a complete failure. Failure to stand up to your own beliefs and stick it out and try and cheat the system, like one of the characters in the episode. However, in the end, even he givens in and realizes that maybe that's the only way out.
My other question is: why does it take us so long to realize that our way will not work? I think humans have the natural instinct to be individualist. We want to be a trend setter and not jump on the bandwagon. We have to stand out among the crowd rather than blend in. We want to be the rebel. We want to set the norm for others to follow, but when you realize that no one is actually following, or that people are giving you weird looks, we smile a sheepishly and return to the group. We want acceptance.
I want to try complete surrender. I want to give up control. I want to be relieved. I don't want to be anxious. I want to take things for what it's worth. I want obedience.
Monday, September 21, 2009
If I stumble, they’re gonna eat me alive
mmm time to move on...to a new chapter. all in all it's been good past. future, let's start
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Radical
Ironic that the last post dealt with change and how I despised the word at that time. well today is going to be about wanting change.
I'm tired of my routine and more than once have I felt wanting to be somewhere else, in a different point in my life. I'm tired of my crowd. I'm done with putting up a front. I'm strained from dealing with the same things. I'm bored doing what I'm doing at the place I am. I'm sick of taking the same route, and the fact that I can get to a place with my eyes closed. I'm tired of eating at the same local joints and going out to do the same things weekend after weekend. I want to go and be different. I want to wake up and be somewhere else, and be someone else. I want to feel fresh. I want to get lost. I want a new role. I want to meet people who challenge my perspectives and open my eyes to another side.
I think I feel this way because things around have begun to change. What I thought I knew, wasn't true. It's a huge disappoint, and to protect myself..with hesitation, I need to change. No matter how much I want things to be remembered and for it to stay that way, things keep tainting it. It's time for me to move on, but can I? We all hold on to a good memory i.e., the fourth of July at the beach before your grandma passed; late night procrastination; that one particular family dinner. Sometimes those memories can't be altered and sometimes they can. You find out that grandma already new it was her time at that particular fourth of July, the friend who spent time procrastinating with you got a D on her test, that family dinner was one of your last. When you find out new information about that memory, that memory, although in the past, can change your perception of it. Realization has occurred. That realization has been happening a great deal lately. Things you remembered aren't the exact way you'll remember them any more.
I'm tired of doing "business as usual". I'm done just going through the motions. I'm sick of dealing with people who can't see beyond than what's in front of them, or settle with what the world has to offer. I feel like I've been a vegetarian for years and finally realize that I want the taste of real meat, and none of that tofurkey stuff.
Lydia I challenge yourself to change. To be moved. I am motivating you to be different. Don't get caught up of the worldly matters, for they'll all fall and crumble. Look beyond what's near you and look towards what's around you. Open your eyes to opportunities that are given everyday. Humble yourself and serve others. Become selfless this year. Understand that their are greater things to be dealt with. When you become hopeless and lose faith, keep going. Strive for what's best. Learn to take risk and trust in Him. Offer everything, and you'll be given everything. Live with no regrets. He'll turn those wasted years. Give. Endure. For in the end, there will be no suffering. There will be a day when the burdens of the place will be no more, and I'll see Jesus face to face.
I'm tired of my routine and more than once have I felt wanting to be somewhere else, in a different point in my life. I'm tired of my crowd. I'm done with putting up a front. I'm strained from dealing with the same things. I'm bored doing what I'm doing at the place I am. I'm sick of taking the same route, and the fact that I can get to a place with my eyes closed. I'm tired of eating at the same local joints and going out to do the same things weekend after weekend. I want to go and be different. I want to wake up and be somewhere else, and be someone else. I want to feel fresh. I want to get lost. I want a new role. I want to meet people who challenge my perspectives and open my eyes to another side.
I think I feel this way because things around have begun to change. What I thought I knew, wasn't true. It's a huge disappoint, and to protect myself..with hesitation, I need to change. No matter how much I want things to be remembered and for it to stay that way, things keep tainting it. It's time for me to move on, but can I? We all hold on to a good memory i.e., the fourth of July at the beach before your grandma passed; late night procrastination; that one particular family dinner. Sometimes those memories can't be altered and sometimes they can. You find out that grandma already new it was her time at that particular fourth of July, the friend who spent time procrastinating with you got a D on her test, that family dinner was one of your last. When you find out new information about that memory, that memory, although in the past, can change your perception of it. Realization has occurred. That realization has been happening a great deal lately. Things you remembered aren't the exact way you'll remember them any more.
I'm tired of doing "business as usual". I'm done just going through the motions. I'm sick of dealing with people who can't see beyond than what's in front of them, or settle with what the world has to offer. I feel like I've been a vegetarian for years and finally realize that I want the taste of real meat, and none of that tofurkey stuff.
Lydia I challenge yourself to change. To be moved. I am motivating you to be different. Don't get caught up of the worldly matters, for they'll all fall and crumble. Look beyond what's near you and look towards what's around you. Open your eyes to opportunities that are given everyday. Humble yourself and serve others. Become selfless this year. Understand that their are greater things to be dealt with. When you become hopeless and lose faith, keep going. Strive for what's best. Learn to take risk and trust in Him. Offer everything, and you'll be given everything. Live with no regrets. He'll turn those wasted years. Give. Endure. For in the end, there will be no suffering. There will be a day when the burdens of the place will be no more, and I'll see Jesus face to face.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Change
When a birthday's coming up usually you start paying attention the month before. You start officially counting down once the month starts. This year I didn't even notice. The 15th could have been the 15th of any other month. I got up and went to class, I ran errands, I got texts, I had dinner. It came and went.
Earlier this year, when people began turning 21, I looked forward to mine. I got excited about finally reaching that age and hopefully ending it with a bang. But when September came around I didn't feel it. I didn't want a bang, I didn't want to really celebrate it.
2009 has been a hard year, and I can't guarantee that the following year is going to be better. This past year has probably been one of the most challenging and painful years that I have yet experienced. The sad unwanted ending of some great college years and transitioning into thereafter has been something I can't really put into words. Hopefully it's been a growing process, and slowly I'll be able to fully transition into the next chapter. I think this greatly contributed as to why I couldn't quite shake off the past year and celebrate the up and coming one. Things don't change over night and situations need time. I hope eventually I'll get there, then I'll really go out with a bang.
I can't thank people enough. I probably haven't said thank you enough times for the rides, talks, times, tissue boxes, insight, advice, growth, presence, laughs you've all given me. I thank especially those few who made my birthday particularly special, in small ways you guys have managed to say a lot and I really appreciate it. You take life for what it's worth and you don't dwell upon what could have been, but what was.
People throw surprises and it's become a ritual to set up an event. It's special to see everyone there, but it means so much more for the intimate times you guys are able to spend without the rush of greeting everyone who turned up. I'm saying this because the next few years is going to change. People will move on and leave, they won't be as close and getting together will be a rarity. Things will slowly change.
I am completely and utterly devastated about this word this time around. In what seems like a blink of an eye, I'm here, we're here. People will change: the person you knew in high school may not be the same person in college. Situations will change: a death in the family may have a turning point in your pursuit of your career or possibly discovering a new passion can take you far away from where we see ourselves. Perspectives will change: the opinions we've once held will be modified, the beliefs and morals we kept close may be challenged. I will change. Why can't we just remain where we are? This time around I don't like it I want everything and everyone around me to stay the same.
Dear next year: To be honest I'm quite scared. You might be more difficult than your last, and I barely made it through. I can already predict what possible things may occur and I have no idea how I'll handle them. Bring me new experiences, new people. Open my eyes more, wider. Heal my heart of the pains experienced and prepare me for what's ahead.
Dear next year: Don't go as fast as this one did.
Earlier this year, when people began turning 21, I looked forward to mine. I got excited about finally reaching that age and hopefully ending it with a bang. But when September came around I didn't feel it. I didn't want a bang, I didn't want to really celebrate it.
2009 has been a hard year, and I can't guarantee that the following year is going to be better. This past year has probably been one of the most challenging and painful years that I have yet experienced. The sad unwanted ending of some great college years and transitioning into thereafter has been something I can't really put into words. Hopefully it's been a growing process, and slowly I'll be able to fully transition into the next chapter. I think this greatly contributed as to why I couldn't quite shake off the past year and celebrate the up and coming one. Things don't change over night and situations need time. I hope eventually I'll get there, then I'll really go out with a bang.
I can't thank people enough. I probably haven't said thank you enough times for the rides, talks, times, tissue boxes, insight, advice, growth, presence, laughs you've all given me. I thank especially those few who made my birthday particularly special, in small ways you guys have managed to say a lot and I really appreciate it. You take life for what it's worth and you don't dwell upon what could have been, but what was.
People throw surprises and it's become a ritual to set up an event. It's special to see everyone there, but it means so much more for the intimate times you guys are able to spend without the rush of greeting everyone who turned up. I'm saying this because the next few years is going to change. People will move on and leave, they won't be as close and getting together will be a rarity. Things will slowly change.
I am completely and utterly devastated about this word this time around. In what seems like a blink of an eye, I'm here, we're here. People will change: the person you knew in high school may not be the same person in college. Situations will change: a death in the family may have a turning point in your pursuit of your career or possibly discovering a new passion can take you far away from where we see ourselves. Perspectives will change: the opinions we've once held will be modified, the beliefs and morals we kept close may be challenged. I will change. Why can't we just remain where we are? This time around I don't like it I want everything and everyone around me to stay the same.
Dear next year: To be honest I'm quite scared. You might be more difficult than your last, and I barely made it through. I can already predict what possible things may occur and I have no idea how I'll handle them. Bring me new experiences, new people. Open my eyes more, wider. Heal my heart of the pains experienced and prepare me for what's ahead.
Dear next year: Don't go as fast as this one did.
Monday, September 14, 2009
herpes simplex, yes i have herpes
i must be stressed...like really stressed out because i got an outbreak of cold sores on my lip and i haven't seen one in three years. It's 5:30 in the morning and i haven't slept.. i have class in 4 hours.
I'm so confused. My emotions are running rampant. What's your purpose in all of this? I know I can't possible understand, but that makes me frustrated. So then what should I do? I don't know anymore, you lead the way and show me. I can't do this on my own.
I'm so confused. My emotions are running rampant. What's your purpose in all of this? I know I can't possible understand, but that makes me frustrated. So then what should I do? I don't know anymore, you lead the way and show me. I can't do this on my own.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
roller coaster
Hi's and low's. How quickly one's thoughts, judgments, emotions, and mood can change.
I had trouble sleeping last night and instead thought of all the jobs and possible things I wanted to do in life, the list will probably get edited several times as I find out more things. I also thought about waste, but that'll be for later.
I want to be/do/get/know:
-a dancer
-pastry chef
-photography
-tour guide
-flight attendant
-laws
-creative
-someone famous
-politics
-a motorcycle license
-food taster
-dog walker
-taxes
-a pilot license
-educator
-knitting/sewing
-veterinarian
What are some thoughts about knowing the future/your future? If you got your palms read, went to a psychic, or were dealt some tarot cards; how would the knowledge change you? If you hear something bad... I think I would be hopeless. But if you heard something great about your future... I think I'd anticipate for it.
Ignorance is bliss.
Happy knew everything... didn't you?
I had trouble sleeping last night and instead thought of all the jobs and possible things I wanted to do in life, the list will probably get edited several times as I find out more things. I also thought about waste, but that'll be for later.
I want to be/do/get/know:
-a dancer
-pastry chef
-photography
-tour guide
-flight attendant
-laws
-creative
-someone famous
-politics
-a motorcycle license
-food taster
-dog walker
-taxes
-a pilot license
-educator
-knitting/sewing
-veterinarian
What are some thoughts about knowing the future/your future? If you got your palms read, went to a psychic, or were dealt some tarot cards; how would the knowledge change you? If you hear something bad... I think I would be hopeless. But if you heard something great about your future... I think I'd anticipate for it.
Ignorance is bliss.
Happy knew everything... didn't you?
Monday, September 7, 2009
Id est quod id est
Life is in a shit hole lately, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I wish emotions would have an on and off switch. I wish we could control how we felt and when we felt them. I wish I didn't feel anything right now "off". I just want to breathe and blink and nod when people ask me something.
However crummy the situation is, don't give up. Don't give in. even if you want to kill yourself; don't. suffer go through it, endure. In life there are choices. There are easy choices and hard choices. I'm going to choose the hard one today.
I'm still bitter. Bitter about my life the situation I happen to be given, the lack of options I have. Like a kid I want to kick and scream, throw a tantrum on the floor and pull someone's hair. I want to curse and spit in someone's face. This is a choice. Move on, do better, go through the pain, discipline, trust, forgiveness, understand, yield, grace. This is another choice.
I'm going to choose to move on, and just make it, however. Life is what you make of it. You want a bad day, you can have a shit day. You want to have a great day, you make it a great day. You go and stuff yourself with your favorite ice cream and jump around in circles even if you don't feel like it. You watch the office and you chuckle. You turn your music up and fill the space with your favorite song and you sing on top of your lungs. You make funny faces in front of the mirror and laugh at yourself. Don't be selfish and think you're situation is the worst. Take pleasure in the small things. You do what you can you keep you sane. You go through this and you survive.
No you do have control of your emotions. I'm turning it "on".
However crummy the situation is, don't give up. Don't give in. even if you want to kill yourself; don't. suffer go through it, endure. In life there are choices. There are easy choices and hard choices. I'm going to choose the hard one today.
I'm still bitter. Bitter about my life the situation I happen to be given, the lack of options I have. Like a kid I want to kick and scream, throw a tantrum on the floor and pull someone's hair. I want to curse and spit in someone's face. This is a choice. Move on, do better, go through the pain, discipline, trust, forgiveness, understand, yield, grace. This is another choice.
I'm going to choose to move on, and just make it, however. Life is what you make of it. You want a bad day, you can have a shit day. You want to have a great day, you make it a great day. You go and stuff yourself with your favorite ice cream and jump around in circles even if you don't feel like it. You watch the office and you chuckle. You turn your music up and fill the space with your favorite song and you sing on top of your lungs. You make funny faces in front of the mirror and laugh at yourself. Don't be selfish and think you're situation is the worst. Take pleasure in the small things. You do what you can you keep you sane. You go through this and you survive.
No you do have control of your emotions. I'm turning it "on".
Friday, September 4, 2009
At the end of the day, it's just you. So just drop the beat
On a Friday night I pulled up to an empty house, not only mine, but the whole neighborhood was dark. The only light came from the flickering street lamps.
Disappointment, frustration, shock, grateful, annoyance, betrayal, alone, reflect.
Friends you have failed me, systems you are frustrating, death is shocking, being alive is grateful, behaviors are annoying, trust has been betrayed, I am alone, it's time for some reflections.
What you realize is that everyone at some point in time will fail you. They will cancel on you, disappoint you, not follow through, won't care, and have better things that come before you. Truth is, it's only your fault for expecting it. The person that knows you best, that you can trust, that you can have expectations for without failure is just you. I can only blame myself for feeling disappointed with those around me because I placed that trust in their hands. What does this do in return? Makes you more independent. You become more hesitant to let people in, you guard yourself and build up a front, you become more skeptical; bitter, jaded. I don't want nor need pity invites.
Life don't come easy, but sometimes situations and people are utterly annoying and systems have too many rules. People spit in your face, even though you didn't do anything wrong. Systems have no lenience, no humanity, no exceptions.
This summer, I have spent a lot of time for myself. Some of those times felt good, others felt boring, and many of them felt lonely. I think about my age, and at the height of my youth, I'm wasting it away. I look back and I haven't really accomplished much. I don't really have friends I trust and people who inspire me in my presence. I haven't had someone challenge me; provoke me. I haven't progressed and hardly grown these past years. No one around me really knows my story, my thoughts, my experience. This makes me lonely. But then I think about my previous statement about the current people who surround me, and I'm stuck.
I came close to seeing death this week. I have been lucky enough to not experience death within the family..yet, but this week I saw it. I walked away shocked, but extremely grateful for my life and the safety of people around me. What's the most important thing in life? Career, family, religion, traditions, passing your AP English exam, getting into that college, having those sunglasses, living in a certain community? I think it's experiences, memories, and humanity. Our lives, the ability to breath everyday, that in itself is enough.
At the end of the day, people are selfish. We care only about ourselves, our situation, our struggles. We complain and rant to our friends because we want them to listen, understand, and sympathize, but we hardly make the step to ask about their week, how they've been really doing.
In the silence, I pull back out. I drive on, the luminous headlights add to the dim lighting on the streets and it's still dark.
I really need a break from everything. My mind feels like it's going to explode. My shoulders have crumpled because of the weight. I am completely stressed out. I am unhappy. But there's no way out. I am screaming inside, no one hears me, I have gone deaf.
Disappointment, frustration, shock, grateful, annoyance, betrayal, alone, reflect.
Friends you have failed me, systems you are frustrating, death is shocking, being alive is grateful, behaviors are annoying, trust has been betrayed, I am alone, it's time for some reflections.
What you realize is that everyone at some point in time will fail you. They will cancel on you, disappoint you, not follow through, won't care, and have better things that come before you. Truth is, it's only your fault for expecting it. The person that knows you best, that you can trust, that you can have expectations for without failure is just you. I can only blame myself for feeling disappointed with those around me because I placed that trust in their hands. What does this do in return? Makes you more independent. You become more hesitant to let people in, you guard yourself and build up a front, you become more skeptical; bitter, jaded. I don't want nor need pity invites.
Life don't come easy, but sometimes situations and people are utterly annoying and systems have too many rules. People spit in your face, even though you didn't do anything wrong. Systems have no lenience, no humanity, no exceptions.
This summer, I have spent a lot of time for myself. Some of those times felt good, others felt boring, and many of them felt lonely. I think about my age, and at the height of my youth, I'm wasting it away. I look back and I haven't really accomplished much. I don't really have friends I trust and people who inspire me in my presence. I haven't had someone challenge me; provoke me. I haven't progressed and hardly grown these past years. No one around me really knows my story, my thoughts, my experience. This makes me lonely. But then I think about my previous statement about the current people who surround me, and I'm stuck.
I came close to seeing death this week. I have been lucky enough to not experience death within the family..yet, but this week I saw it. I walked away shocked, but extremely grateful for my life and the safety of people around me. What's the most important thing in life? Career, family, religion, traditions, passing your AP English exam, getting into that college, having those sunglasses, living in a certain community? I think it's experiences, memories, and humanity. Our lives, the ability to breath everyday, that in itself is enough.
At the end of the day, people are selfish. We care only about ourselves, our situation, our struggles. We complain and rant to our friends because we want them to listen, understand, and sympathize, but we hardly make the step to ask about their week, how they've been really doing.
In the silence, I pull back out. I drive on, the luminous headlights add to the dim lighting on the streets and it's still dark.
I really need a break from everything. My mind feels like it's going to explode. My shoulders have crumpled because of the weight. I am completely stressed out. I am unhappy. But there's no way out. I am screaming inside, no one hears me, I have gone deaf.
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