Out of Place

I was asked a question that caught me off guard the other day. Someone asked me what my passion was. I was expecting the usual "what are you doing now?", "what was your major","do you want the pepperoni slice?" and then the question came out of nowhere. I fumbled for a bit and then quickly opened the files in my head looking for the word "passion" and anything related to it, similar to how you search for a word on a document pressing ctrl + F; except brains don't have keyboards. They have files with memories and thoughts and knowledge, but no keyboard; it's a flawed system really.

Anyway, because the question came as a surprise and I didn't have an answer off hand, I simply asked what he meant by passion. "Something you can't live without" was the response and I thought about it for a moment and still nothing came to mind. He probably thought I was lame or broken. He eventually answered for himself seeing that I didn't really have anything to say.

I thought about it throughout the night and this is what I have so far. I can't live without food (literally), and my faith, but besides that I couldn't think I anything else I could live without. What does this mean? I have no passion for anything else? What am I suppose to do with the rest of my 50 years?

So the topic of relationship is something that's been coming up fairly often. I guess it's because now that I'm out of college, it seems somewhat more urgent and the realization of "where are we going to find that 'one'?" is on our minds constantly. I for one am content with where I am now. Yes, I definitely have ups and downs and this too has a cycle, but right now I'm okay. I don't feel urgent, nor do I feel the need to be on the look out for the "potential." Now, this is something that to third person would seem normal, and I too thought so for a while. However, knowing my sick, twisted mind, a question came up: "Wait, are you really alright? Or are you just saying that to defend the fact that you're hopeless?" I've fooled myself so many times, I can't even differentiate anymore. This is sad. But truly, I do not know. All I know is this feeling.

I'm sure a deeper part of me is thinking the latter, and it's quite possible that I am lying to myself and that I should indeed be worried. I see it as a lost cause and the results are something I've accepted. I think also the fact that there's so many other things on my mind that this problem virtually doesn't exist.

I don't do new years resolutions anymore. For me, it's a list of not fulfilled expectations and failed promises. And by the end of the year I'm disappointed. Maybe it's because the list is so long and unattainable. All I want for the new year is to be better than this one. I want to be in a different place next year. I want to have gained and grown. I want change. I want to be better.

I see already many changes coming in the next year.


There are somethings that I can't even express, but you know. I don't know how to form words about what I am experiencing but you know. I hear you call to seek you. I know that you're near and all it takes is for me to reach out. I have fear. I have pain. I have anger. I ask that you may bring peace. I ask for stability and warmth. Through this may I be changed and have others around witness my transformation.

What I learned today, more like relearned

It's good that throughout life we get reminders time to time. When we're too cocky, someone points out that you're wrong, or better yet your flaw. When we're rich and then we lose our job. When finally it seems like life's put together and it crumbles again. When you're complaining about eating dinner with someone, and knowing someone out there is eating by themselves or rather not eating at all. When you think you know a lot, but in the topic of death, religion, and politics you draw a blank. When we think our situation is the shit, and your friend tells you that he's an illegal immigrant and can't get a job (not because of the current economy which is your excuse). When you have a "YES!', but a soon "oh.." moment. When we have the reality check, or a wake up call or whatever it is you call it.

I relearned that I know so little, mostly about people. I recognized how quick I am to judge. I realized how fast I can stink, when I'm not fighting to keep above waters. I see how small I am.

Word of the Day

What defines great? We use the adjective frequently in describing our day, a person, an institution, relationships, or an attribute. There are multiple entries in a dictionary to define it such as talking about the size or large quantity of something, powerful or influential (great leader), referring to a generation (great-uncle), out of the ordinary (great save), skilled (great at tennis), distinguished (great poet).

I want to be a great person. I want to be recognized for something great and have impacted lives other than my own. I want people to remember me. I want to live greatly. I want people to describe me as a great person.

Which great defines me?




The search after the great men is the dream of youth, and the most serious occupation of manhood. -Ralph Waldo Emerson


Greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them. -William Shakespeare

Whatever you are, be a good one. -Abraham Lincoln

I'll take it

In midst of uncertainty, fear, and emptiness there are times, little breaks, of relief.

A smile, a nostalgic memory, a funny movie scene that brings a smirk, a book that stir your imagination, the thought of something impossible, finding money in your old winter jacket, hearing that your test got pushed back, someone who lets you cut in line at the grocery, a classmate vouching that you did your homework when really you didn't, a brief moment that makes you forget about your impending crisis; a break. I'll take it.

I feel so unstable, and scared, and overwhelmed that any break I can get, (even if it's just the simplest thing) I'll take it. It's like you're in the ocean and you're drowning and any ounce of breath you get is a relief. A break from completely giving in and surrendering to the oncoming waves.

I'm so thankful for the little relief I get, it's almost like torture. Like squeezing an air ball so hard that it is completely crushed by your hand and you open your palm just an inch and it begins to inflate again.

I'll take it, even the smallest gesture, I'll take it.

I must be pretty annoying

I apologize that I was stubborn, spoke out of place, talked too loud, complained a little too much, bragged, judged, made a ridiculous comment, acted like an idiot, thought I was the shizz, teased you, dragged you along, pushed you, hated you, made you think I was right, laughed a little too hard on something that wasn't funny to you, ate food off your plate without asking, didn't call you and went MIA, canceled our appointment, told you the wrong directions, was late to our lunch, got mad at nothing in particular, and didn't think before speaking.

But it's somewhat your fault for not telling me.

happy birthday

Used and Abused

I have a hard time turning down things. Usually if someone asks something of me, I'll do it. I didn't say no to that guy who sat down next to me at 3am. I didn't say no to being a full-time student, working part-time, and then some. I didn't say no to that time you wanted to eat there, but I wanted to eat here. I haven't said no to random conversations struck up by strangers. Does this make me a push over? I hope not.

Truth 1, I don't like depending on people, it makes me feel..ordinary? I guess human is what I'm looking for. I despise appearing weak in front of others and tend to come off strong to some. So, in the past I've pushed away those who have tried to crack this facade. I get defensive, and end with a "it doesn't matter they didn't matter much anyway." But this inevitably leads to isolation. You end up pushing those around you away, and those who have stayed only know so much about you. Am I complaining that this needs to change? Not really..

There's a balance. You need a little bit of desperation, vulnerability, dependency, sympathy, and want. Pretty much like everyone else. You can't survive with this "I can do it alone-I've got this-I can handle it-nobody understands me-leave me alone" image. Humans are meant to live among a community. We're not viable as independent scavengers like the Tasmanian devils who secrete awful, foul smelling fluids. We're NOT made for isolation. We NEED interaction, or else I think we'll eventually die.

Truth 2, I know it sounds selfish, but I have a pretty low self esteem. Pretty low, that I've accepted the fact that this isolation is something I may be able to survive. Because even though I show that I'm broken or share the same problems as the guy sitting next to me, I'm never enough. It's always gotta be "he's too good for you" and not the other way around. I have to work to deserve it and nothing can come to me for what it is, because I simply deserve it. I can't initiate, because in the back of my mind I'm thinking "that person's too busy to care about your silly things"

Truth 3, I have pride and lots of it. The "leave me alone" is really "no ask me what's wrong, stay, don't go", but I'll never allow it. I see that I'm losing and still I can't give in. I don't take the first step because I'm worried I don't matter, no I don't take it because I want you to need me and not the other way around. You fail, I don't. It's twisted, but I take pride in knowing that people can't figure me out. It's sick, it's really a disease.

Truth 4, I'm embarrassed. It's likely that someone out there understands; can relate. Nonetheless, I can't help feeling that I'm the only one going through it, and thinking it's the most embarrassing thing in the world.

Truth 5, it's all fear. I'm scared to let you in. What if they run off with it and prance around showing it to everyone. I can't trust you. I'm scared to deserve the best because I'll mess it up. The pride's the hard exterior of an egg, the fear is the viscous, gelatinous innards; and all is too fragile.

This all leaves me in a dilemma and I'm still figuring out how to solve these contradictions. I'm working on it.

As for all of this, I don't like being taken advantage of. I don't like it when you are too nice, because it's possible I'll fall for it. Let's draw lines and keep our boundaries. So I responded, and told you when I was leaving, even though many times you left me waiting.

Ubiquitous

I see it everywhere. I see it everywhere around me and I want it. I take it back I don't want it. No I want it. I want it but don't want it.

Can we go back in time?

Stop. I want to stand still.

It's so foreign here. I want to go back to something familiar.

I can't move forward because I don't want to. I want to go back.

The excitement has faded and began to turn to fear. I want to go back.

I don't want new, I want the old.

Stop. I want to just stop.

I can't see what's in front of me, but when I turned around I see that I can't go back.

I'm stuck.

it's probably a cliche, but in the spirit of it, oh well

I wasn't going to do a dedication to thanksgiving and all the things I was thankful for, but I thought about how I'm thankful for a lot of stuff and want to jot it down in case I have a terrible day, so I can remind myself of the things I'm grateful for.

In the midst of everything that's happened thus far, I'm thankful for those little breaks and moments I had, that made me forget where I was, what I didn't have, how much I did have.

I'm also thankful for:

-how He keeps me in check and lets me know that He's there.
-grace
-friends who have patience
-those little specks of light, hope
-awesome, fantastic, great, laughing days
-my family and my physical well being
-the things that I do have
-you.

some freaky deaky stuff

alright.. this is weird

I was driving back home and looked in the rear view mirror because this car was following pretty close and I noticed that the passenger had a very similar resemble to the guy from V for Vendetta. He was wearing a fedora hat and had the mustache and the long hair to accompany it. So that's all I thought of it, oh that person looks like so and so. I didn't think more about the movie like about how Natalie Portman's shaved head looked really good, but would never work on me. Or that I once had a upper div writing TA that looked like the V for Vendetta guy. I was about to move on when...... I switched lanes and this white Jetta had a bumper sticker. It was a quote and it looked small, but due to stop and go traffic I read it. I caught a V at the end and thought "no way..." I read it and the quote is now branded in my head. "People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of people"-V. It was from the movie. Okay, how many people have the quote from V for Vendetta on their bumper?!?! So how weird, freaky, coincidental (hardly) is that?! I was saying whoa as I exited the freeway and guess what? the car with the same guy (V) was in front of me! (whoa)

Now this one's a bit of a stretch but seeing how things were going tonight. After I exited I went to the store to buy some things and when I was checking out the lady in front of me got $10.10 in change back. When it was my turn to check things out the total came out to be $2.09, but I gave the lady $10.10. So eerie... it wasn't intentional it just happened and I noticed it as I got my receipt, but seriously...

I know I'm probably way over thinking this but seriously.... when I mentioned the whole karma, world has telepathy thing... I totally believe it...

Back to Reality

The worst thing about escape is the return.

I could disappear and no one would notice

man, it's gotten so cold brrr... it's hard to think of the hot humid summers to try and warm us up in the winter and equally it's hard to think about the frost and shivers from the winter during the blazing summers. How easily we forget, and how easily we adjust.

I've been thinking lately (more like daydreaming and not doing my work) about the possibility of starting over in a different place. I thought about it and really there's nothing holding me back. I believe I'm ready to just pick up and plop down somewhere doing something. I'm young right? So now is the time to be adventurous and make mistakes and be in debt no? I can be reckless to some extent and use my age as an excuse right? mm.. I'm definitely beginning to think about it and a near possible reality.

I think I'm pretty much ready..I'm awaiting for the call.

4 weeks and counting.

How Vast

I take comfort in knowing that I'm not in it alone. There is the ONE who knows my suffering, and my deepest desires. He shares with me in my pain and tears, and only He knows where this will end. At the end of the day, when you're sitting in your loft looking out your bay window with a glass of wine in your hand listening to some sinatra and not a soul is around, I feel not alone. This acknowledgment keeps me rooted, it keeps me sane, and hopeful. This understanding is sometimes the only comfort I get. Though I walk out the door as a coworker, student, friend, daughter, or stranger, to you I come as me. Just me. I have no title, no obligations, and no expectations and still you love. Forever my heart will be indebted to what you've done. My life when I think of this time to time, seems almost filled. The emptiness felt surrounded by people at work, school or gatherings just disappears and I'm back in reality. Only YOU know everything, my suffering, my pain, my thoughts, my sins, my pride, my shame..me.

Thank you...as if this can cover it.

a Walk Down Memory Lane

Promises we make and can't keep or rather just don't keep.

I was looking at some old things and we always write stuff like K.I.T., or say things like let's grab lunch next week, or mention to call the next time.

There was a time were I was sincere with the things I promised, but lately it's become something to end with like a bye. "Hey, it was nice running into you, let's catch up soon [bye]..." Maybe to others it's something that they just say, but I'm sure there are others, myself included, that really hope for it.

Mmm, this is a list of something that I should work on.

I sound like a dying person, but it's something that occurred to me lately. The thing is although I'm not dying tomorrow, relationships and moments die. People you know transition in and out of our lives and with it most of them "die". So in a way I'm dying. I'm dying to those around me and they're dying too. Clocks are ticking away and time's running out. Let's not waste any more time and do live it like it's our last.

Let's be sincere. Let's follow through, or don't make those promises to start off with. Let's give our full attention. Let's cherish.

RaRa OoLaLa GaGa GooGoo BooBoo Poo.

poop. it wasn't a bad day I ended up ditching my lecture because I didn't want to wait and ended up cooking cookies that were too buttery.

I feel so weighed down by the things going around me. Rather than being on top of it and dragging it along, it's dragging me. Today I'm not angry nor frustrated, but just blah. I'm not hopeless but just feel defeated. There's nothing within my will that I can do. I don't feel weak nor exhausted, but do feel at a lost that things haven't changed. I should be grateful and give praise, but somehow it's not freely rolling off my tongue today. There are days where people, occurrences, and just self encouragement that can get me through the day; that can help me forget for a minute of where I am, but today is not one of them. There are no complaints today. There's no questions of why's. I do know one thing and that is that I've had days where I was happier.

I have a mood cycle where it goes somewhat like:
-feel good/great. smile at random things throughout the day, and have a good car ride by myself.
-feel blah. like today. in limbo. indifferent. in transition to the next part of the cycle. just "in" it.
-feel frustrated and annoyed. questions of why's, complaints, short patience. when i blog.
-feel angry and defensive. i blame me, i blame you, i have pride.

I go through this cycle pretty much routinely.

I end this with a big sigh.

Note: (these notes are just random thoughts that I think of throughout the day or when writing posts that I want to note, they probably don't have anything to do with the post...not that my post have any coherency)

-one of my wishes is to think less. Life's not so complicated...really. It's simple we eat when we're hungry, dress to cover ourselves, have relationships, go to work, go to school, drive a car, ride a bus, have a kid, pick up the kid, have advancements, gain "success", blah, blah, blah. I wish I could take things for what they are. To not have second thoughts, be genuine..be simple and live simply, not over thinking things.

Don't stop believing, just hold onto that feeling

I should really try to sleep.. or study if I'm awake, but since I'm not I'll write a quick one and not do the latter.

Couple things to come back to later (the list only keeps growing.. I'll get to them eventually):

The thought of leaving things just hanging. I need a sense of completeness. I can't deal with parting unfinished and bitter. Something that I've been thinking about is that nothing lasts forever; people included. The person who see either everyday or once a year might not be there the next time and what if you left things unsorted? Especially something blunted with bitter and frustration. I need closure.

What have I turned into? Really more like a Frankenstein. I've created a monster. I am my worst enemy.

People look so small. There are sometimes I look at things and they just seem really small. But it wasn't so when I was a child. When I was a child I thought I could take on a lion or a grizzly bear or a dragon and I would come out of it without a scratch. Our perceptions and beliefs that we have as a kid blurs and eventually fades away over time. Screw becoming an adult I want to stay innocent forever.

what is the word?!

On the John Tesh radio show, he announced that New York has the largest number of singles 3.8 million; half the population of New York and the whole population of Chicago. In my previous post, I randomly wondered what the statistics was..although the answer doesn't cover the question in its entirety, it got answered. This is what I talk about when, you think of something and randomly out of nowhere the world and you have telepathy. It's hard to explain.. but it's been happening a lot lately... Either way your best luck of meeting some singles would be in New York, given that 1 out of every 2 people are single.

I had a weird dream last night too, water means you're in a deep part of your sleep right? So what does cupcakes, bracing another passenger's arm, sleeping outside in the living as a guest, and witnessing a couple break up/hook up all mean?--yes, this was all part of one night's dream

I know, it's really only been about 5 months since I ended my college years, but I miss it already. I can't imagine how being 30 must feel. I miss running through sprinklers, spending all of summer being dark like burnt steak from swimming too much, I miss how cool it was to eat the character popsicles from ice cream trucks, I miss collecting random stickers and coloring your nails with crayons. I miss staying up late because family friends were over past bedtime. I miss learning how to ride a bike. I miss my past camping trips and family road trips to really awesome places. I miss having a bare face. haha I even miss my crazed permed hair in 5th grade. I miss those cool people. I miss lockers and school buses. I miss gym uniforms and lunges.I miss going to football games and not knowing the score. I miss feeling anxious for dances and awkward with crushes. I miss late nights and eating nachos. I miss afternoons spent listening to Spice Girls and Aqua. I miss getting to dress up and going trick or treating. I miss playing hair salon and bleaching my cousin's hair with toothpaste. I miss fighting with my brother and staring at green shaggy carpet. I miss messing with my brother and taking pictures of it. I miss all those cool times at Disneyland that were spent on random weekends. It's different to go back now... I miss chalkboards and glasses. I miss family dinners.

I don't think I have any regrets about my life thus far. I do believe there are better/easier choices that could have been made. However, looking back on it life was pretty sweet, kind of.

Why is this important? It's not... my mind has glitches

I've been having rather odd, disturbing dreams lately... and my eyes hurt like they're bruised.

Some quick thoughts that I'll come back to later:

Today I wondered what the statistics are for single, unmarried people pass the age of 35. Hopefully I'll have an answer in the near future. I wonder how many people remain single (really unmarried) for the majority of their lives. When you sit in a large crowd (i.e. lecture, church, movie) I wonder if you can tell about how many people are currently in a relationship or single.

I realized that I have too much pride. Here I am, thinking that I'm pretty humble, selfless, take a moment in the day to reflect, able to appreciate simplicity, somewhat live in the moment, and yet I'm pretty stubborn.

I wonder if I cross your mind sometimes. I think about you time to time, randomly. I wonder how you're doing, and think about how the problems resolved. I imagine how you've moved on, and what new experiences and memories have occurred while I wasn't there. If only time stood still and we could have enjoyed ourselves more. If only things remained the same, you and I. It's not a passing thought. I don't just briefly remember a name to a face. I take that moment to wonder about these things and reminisce our past memories. I think about you time to time, wondering what it is you are doing now, without me. You're on my mind, I haven't forgot you, I wish you are doing the same.

Shake your money maker

I don't like transitions, I wish I could fast forward this part. I need a change of pace. Being caught up in the same routine is not good.

How finite that our world revolves around money. Stinky darn green piece of paper. The truth is wealth is power...isn't it? Some people are just plain bloody rich. Were they blessed? Maybe so... Was it hard work? Born into it? Inherited? Lottery? (My best chance)

I thought about this a while ago, but it seems relevant to bring up. I thought about how there are some industries in our world that are booming, but really it's a complete waste. Think about the fashion industry. They're freakin' clothes people! Sometimes people are ants. They are ants when you're in the Sears Tower looking down at the people on the sidewalks. I have this image that we're so small really.. compared to the world and I imagine someone from another planet looking at Earth and saying "how dumb are these people to spend so much money on a piece of cloth?" Why is the fashion industry such a proliferating one? Makeup...in the current age...complete waste. There's no depth to it. At least back when eyebrows were drawn with charcoal, there was an aesthetic value to it. There's so much money spent on enhancing our appearance. Who freaking spends $75 on a Dior concealer?! (disgusting) The entertainment industry to an extent is a complete waste, nowadays. Why are songs like "In da Club" part of a platinum album?! Why is there still a SAW IX? What's up with the name brands?! Marketplace water is just as good as tap water! Gucci and Coach are overpriced. Hummers and beamers.. what's the difference they end up in the junk yard anyway. Really you just need something to take you from point A to point B right? Why have we fixed our eyes towards this? Why do these things have so much power?

What does living with minimum really look like?

There's always an enough. Spend wisely, and have a balance.

Let's reevaluate what's important...really. Take a reality check and see where you are. Do you really need another pair of black heels? Will falsies really open up your eyes? Challenge yourself to live minimally.

Note: I'm not excusing myself from being a victim of this.

I wish I had a money maker that I could shake

Ooo baby watch out now

i got the doughnuts..let me just say the dozen didn't outlast an hour

maybe i should reconsider canceling my gym membership.....nah

Prince of Belair

I should be studying...or sleeping to study tomorrow...oh well... instead I decided to do a post.

Ahem. The whole: put up a front, let's see who wins, I'm stronger than you, I can hold out longer, I don't need the system, I can beat rules, I do it my own way or the highway deal is really a failure. I know I wrote a previous post about a House episode and how often times trying to beat the system is really short-lived. Man, so should I give in? What about my face? my pride? argh... But really, nothing good came out of it. I'm sure it all backfired and we're all doing a bit of suffering (or at least I hope so)

What am I feeling right now... I don't know really.. I want to do it over again. I feel stale, like a bread or cereal that's been out too long. (sigh) Where does life take me from here? How cool would it be to take a brief peek into your future.

I gots me no drama, I'm a pretty drama free man. I need some drama.

I feel like doing random bounces on one of those yoga balls.

I need to cancel my gym membership.

I need a source of income..or find my sugar daddy

I've been eating bad lately...

My teeth are getting more and more crooked (although I've always wanted braces, it might not be such a fashion statement in you're 30's)

Let's get inspired

I want a new start. Plop me down somewhere else and give me a different name. Let's start over.

I didn't buy the doughnuts...

Doughnuts or Donuts?

This is a topic that I wanted to cover eventually, but it came up today so I'm make some comments on it. Actually I don't know the right term for it, it there even is one, but I'll try to explain it, and hopefully you'll get the jist.

You know those times where you've been thinking about something for a like a whole day (usually something that's not always up in the fore front) and all of the sudden it pops up? For instance, you're singing a song in your head (probably an old tune), and all of the sudden someone around you starts singing aloud or the radio plays the same tune. Or in the case of today, I was thinking about doughnuts. Krispy Kremes in particular, and about how I would like to buy some for my classmates tomorrow. (Thursday is a long day...you need some stimulation) The last time I ever had Krispy Kremes has been a while, but this week, someone in class was talking about how she was craving it, and I thought it would be nice to bring some in. And well what do you know? There was an article on Yahoo about it. It was something in the lines of how Krispy Kreme started off well, but now it's doing terrible. I guess for the lack of category this is somewhat similar to Karma? How one thing effects another (what is this called?!) Another example is how you haven't talked to someone in a long time, but all of the sudden you get a random call. There's probably more examples. Ooo like someone brings home something you wanted to eat like.. spring rolls or something that's not so common. Or for some reason you've been thinking about a name like Gustav or something and it just pops up in an article or something. Heh, it's just weird how things work, and I'm pretty fascinated by this unique phenomenon. It's almost like we have telepathy with the world somehow...

On a side note: Have you ever picked at your belly button? WHAT is that stuff?! How does dust and things like that get trapped in there to create this gray gunk?? That maybe the least uncleaned/unwashed part of one's body. Do you have to like Q-tip it after a shower? ugh.. I'm weirded out but this phenomenon, but not in such a positive aspect as mentioned above.

Here's the article: http://finance.yahoo.com/news/The-Tragedy-of-Krispy-minyanville-220090191.html?x=0&.v=2

Wait, so what does this mean? I shouldn't get doughnuts because I'll just be a suck up to the class, and win a friendship? Because it's super unhealthy and I really shouldn't be spending money on food, let alone glazed doughnuts? Because after reading, okay skimming, the article Krispy Kreme is doing bad and I should do them a favor? Because I SHOULD in fact buy this delectable treat? Oh man the dilemma!

Deep in the Night, I've been looking for Someone

There comes a time late in the night where I don't feel like sleeping anymore. If I stay awake past a certain hour, I continue to stay awake. I've learned that this is not healthy and does not help my next day. However, tonight, the musical pitter patter on concrete, and the company of sunrise makes it not so bad.

I miss greenery. I miss brick walls and intricate architecture. I miss hearing the history behind a certain location or landmark. I miss the loop. I miss shivering and watching your breath as you exhale while you wait for the crosswalk. I miss how welcoming entering a warm house is. mmm..I miss it all...

Algunos Pensamientos

I'm pooped I think I'm getting sick again. School is definitely overwhelming and I'm at a point of exhaustion. Whew.

On a side note, wouldn't it be cool when you sneezed you like moved away from your spot? like a jet pack? hmmm that's interesting...

I'm really unmotivated to be in school right now. I calculated how many more times I can fill up on gas before I officially hit 0. I like to learn, but the amount of things we need to regurgitate back on a white piece of paper is ridiculous.

Today was pretty adventurous. We ended up going to a random restaurant and it turned out great because they had live singing aka karaoke. There were some interesting art work. There was a park ranger involved somewhere along the day. And we saw some pretty exotic animals. I would love more days like these. (semi-planned but opened to unexpected turns)

I wonder if people think about you. Like even years, and years down. It's pretty flattering I think. I think about people all the time (people from grade school or even just some random stranger you chatted with at a bookstore or something) and wonder if they think about me, or have like forgotten who I was. Or even on campus, and you walk past someone and think, "mm yea I think his/her style" or "oh he/she smells good" or "man you're hawt!" or "oo you need some new shoes" or...well this could go on forever, but nonetheless if others are thinking the same thing about you, or even just thinking about you somewhere, sometime. Would reading people's mind be a power you'd want?

Once you've hit rock bottom you can only go up. It's NOT the end of the world, seriously, think about how your situation COULD really be the "end of the world".

I'm knocking out with Nyquil, (sigh) ready for the new week? I'm not quite sure, I'll try to be.

oh man autumn is one of my favorite seasons! there's already pumpkin patches starting to pop up with those bales of hay and plaid scarecrows, msn and yahoo have fall recipes and articles about where to go see the best foliage, and soon there will be turkey recipes on food network, and halloween cookie ideas and those 25 days of Christmas playing on ABC, and ELF will probably be on some channel or played again as an airplane movie for the holidays....oooo!!!!

I'm pretty excited for the rest of 2009 or what's left of it. Good things to come only right? 2009 is almost over (woot!) you've got thanksgiving (shall I attempt a turkey this year?) and Christmas (need to start stocking my car with Christmas music, or just turn to KOST!) and new years. I don't get excited for Christmas every year. It's like almost every other year or something like that. There was one Christmas I sang carols until March. Last year, I wasn't too excited....but it's back! This year, I'm pretty pumped. I want to see some snow-age!


















you can almost here the crunch

if you're happy and you know it clap your hands

Haha... honestly, I don't know why, but I feel good. Like really really good. I can't help smile, and I don't know where it's coming from and to say the least I really don't care for its origins. The fact is the now. No, things haven't changed, and maybe they have or they will take a turn for the worse, but right now in this moment I'm enjoying it. Is this the feeling of being high? I could only imagine so. I'm scared of how quickly this moment will fade, and how much longer I have until another bitter ranting post. I mustn't think of this, and just enjoy it. I hope that I can meet someone that can make me this happy. Although I can do it myself, it's such a rarity and who wouldn't want more of this?

I'm adding onto my list of things that make me happy

-clouds, not a cloudy day, but a day like today where it's clear blue skies filled with blankets of clouds and the sun setting, those kinds of clouds
-genuine: when someone goes out of their way and becomes selfless, they make a sacrifice for your sake, how completely flattering.
-being in the moment and forgetting: when someone or something has the power to make you forget about your worst situation or your bitterness and become absorbed in what you're doing right then

mm i was going to mention something about childhood beliefs but i'll leave that for next time

Goodbye and Hello

Things are still pretty much the same more or less. I still have no job. Class work is ridiculous, in fact I just got out of a four hour lecture. I'm no where near drawing conclusions. Still, nothing is put together. The black gunk is still there, the towels are still ruined, the walls haven't been painted. BUT, I feel good.

I feel good. I don't know if I'm happy, but I just feel good. I'm smiling and just enjoying the moment, and thinking nothing more. I feel invincible. Right now, I'm not angry at anyone. I don't think life's unfair. I haven't thought about tomorrow, or next month's gas. I haven't thought about up coming birthdays, or who I've been out of touch with. No one really made me feel good, I did it by myself.

However, I do know one thing for sure. I've closed a chapter. I'm starting a new one. Problems are going to carry over and the situation I'm in, isn't really going to change, but I'm starting a new one. There are some things that aren't going to carry over. Things that will end in that chapter. Some people will not be carried over. Things that I associate myself with will change. My outlook will change. I will carry over what I've experienced and hopefully apply to this chapter. I want more growth out of this chapter. I want a new set of problems. I want new experiences and situations. I want to be challenged. I want to be more active. I want to reach out. I want to move on. I got tired of doing the same thing day in and day out. I tired of seeing the same people, and going to the same places. I got relentless of the same routine. Eventually that tiredness turned to exhaustion and I needed a break. I'm not completely back, but I'm making my return.

I'm saying my goodbyes to UCI thank you for my college degree. I'm saying bye to the three years spent in the edge. I'm saying goodbyes to some people, thanks for the memories. Adieu wants and times of loneliness. Farewell to struggles and frustration. Goodbye to fallen tears, and a bruised heart. Au revoir

Hello to the unwritten, unexpected plans. Hello to encounters and new acquaintances I hope we can be friends. Greetings experiences and obstacles, I hope I grow from you. Welcome new memories and laughs. Hello to new tears, and scarred heart.

On a side note, I love fall. The season has so much warmth and colors. I'm anxious and excited to start my new chapter in such a beautiful season.

in staying sane amongst chaos, defying death

Overall I had a crappy day. crappy week, crappy month, crappy summer, overall i had a pretty crappy year.

I'm fluctuating so much in my emotions it's crazy. I'll cry on spot if you ask me to. I could have had a meltdown today, but I took a deep breath, ate, blinked a couple times, and forced a smile and saved myself. The things that are just going on right now.. looking at it from a third person's point of view is utter chaos. It's like the plumbing pipes burst and mysterious black gunk flew all over your porcelain toilet and your 1000 threadcount Tommy Hilfiger towels. That's the closest I can describe the scene. The plumbing's not the only problem, but you discover that the sink is clogged, the paint from the walls are peeling, the dust on the floor has formed a hairball, there's mildew that will take a hour's worth of scrub to get off. Problem after problem. Can there be beauty is such mess? I hope so. I really hope so. All this pain, suffering, frustrations, trials, strains, tears it must add up to something. I have to believe this, or else I just might go crazy, like psychotic.

Friends you keep me sane. I've learned to take in the small things. No matter how crappy my situation is, look out there. Raise your head and just look. I'll be going MIA. I'm dealing with too much. I can't face anyone, I think I'll break. I just can't. Nor do I really feel like putting up a front. Right now, I'm a mess and until I clean everything up, I don't really feel like having laughs and giggles. Do understand. I'll be back, soon hopefully, soon.

maybe we're not so cool as we thought

I'm a sucker for good endings. There are many times in our lives where we try to fight the system, complain and be frustrated with our wrongs. We try to find loopholes and take the easy way out and refuse to give in. We want to find our way or doing things instead of following the paved path. We think we're better. We think we can do it on our own.

What does this notion of complete surrender mean? Just declaring it? Journaling it? Making promises and goals? To me, complete surrender is realizing that there's no better way. It's a defeat. Defeat to your own stubborn ways. It's submission. It's understanding that we can't do it on our own. It's understanding that defying systems and organization won't work out for the better. It is realizing that doing things my way, is lonely.

I got inspiration from one of my revered TV series, House (I'm looking forward to this season). House is stuck in a situation where initially, he spends days devising plans to leave the psychiatric institution he's been unwilling placed in. He is soon defeated and succumbs to the systems of the psychiatric center and learns that this is in fact the better route. Some people see it as a complete failure. Failure to stand up to your own beliefs and stick it out and try and cheat the system, like one of the characters in the episode. However, in the end, even he givens in and realizes that maybe that's the only way out.

My other question is: why does it take us so long to realize that our way will not work? I think humans have the natural instinct to be individualist. We want to be a trend setter and not jump on the bandwagon. We have to stand out among the crowd rather than blend in. We want to be the rebel. We want to set the norm for others to follow, but when you realize that no one is actually following, or that people are giving you weird looks, we smile a sheepishly and return to the group. We want acceptance.

I want to try complete surrender. I want to give up control. I want to be relieved. I don't want to be anxious. I want to take things for what it's worth. I want obedience.

If I stumble, they’re gonna eat me alive

mmm time to move on...to a new chapter. all in all it's been good past. future, let's start

Radical

Ironic that the last post dealt with change and how I despised the word at that time. well today is going to be about wanting change.

I'm tired of my routine and more than once have I felt wanting to be somewhere else, in a different point in my life. I'm tired of my crowd. I'm done with putting up a front. I'm strained from dealing with the same things. I'm bored doing what I'm doing at the place I am. I'm sick of taking the same route, and the fact that I can get to a place with my eyes closed. I'm tired of eating at the same local joints and going out to do the same things weekend after weekend. I want to go and be different. I want to wake up and be somewhere else, and be someone else. I want to feel fresh. I want to get lost. I want a new role. I want to meet people who challenge my perspectives and open my eyes to another side.

I think I feel this way because things around have begun to change. What I thought I knew, wasn't true. It's a huge disappoint, and to protect myself..with hesitation, I need to change. No matter how much I want things to be remembered and for it to stay that way, things keep tainting it. It's time for me to move on, but can I? We all hold on to a good memory i.e., the fourth of July at the beach before your grandma passed; late night procrastination; that one particular family dinner. Sometimes those memories can't be altered and sometimes they can. You find out that grandma already new it was her time at that particular fourth of July, the friend who spent time procrastinating with you got a D on her test, that family dinner was one of your last. When you find out new information about that memory, that memory, although in the past, can change your perception of it. Realization has occurred. That realization has been happening a great deal lately. Things you remembered aren't the exact way you'll remember them any more.

I'm tired of doing "business as usual". I'm done just going through the motions. I'm sick of dealing with people who can't see beyond than what's in front of them, or settle with what the world has to offer. I feel like I've been a vegetarian for years and finally realize that I want the taste of real meat, and none of that tofurkey stuff.

Lydia I challenge yourself to change. To be moved. I am motivating you to be different. Don't get caught up of the worldly matters, for they'll all fall and crumble. Look beyond what's near you and look towards what's around you. Open your eyes to opportunities that are given everyday. Humble yourself and serve others. Become selfless this year. Understand that their are greater things to be dealt with. When you become hopeless and lose faith, keep going. Strive for what's best. Learn to take risk and trust in Him. Offer everything, and you'll be given everything. Live with no regrets. He'll turn those wasted years. Give. Endure. For in the end, there will be no suffering. There will be a day when the burdens of the place will be no more, and I'll see Jesus face to face.

Change

When a birthday's coming up usually you start paying attention the month before. You start officially counting down once the month starts. This year I didn't even notice. The 15th could have been the 15th of any other month. I got up and went to class, I ran errands, I got texts, I had dinner. It came and went.

Earlier this year, when people began turning 21, I looked forward to mine. I got excited about finally reaching that age and hopefully ending it with a bang. But when September came around I didn't feel it. I didn't want a bang, I didn't want to really celebrate it.

2009 has been a hard year, and I can't guarantee that the following year is going to be better. This past year has probably been one of the most challenging and painful years that I have yet experienced. The sad unwanted ending of some great college years and transitioning into thereafter has been something I can't really put into words. Hopefully it's been a growing process, and slowly I'll be able to fully transition into the next chapter. I think this greatly contributed as to why I couldn't quite shake off the past year and celebrate the up and coming one. Things don't change over night and situations need time. I hope eventually I'll get there, then I'll really go out with a bang.

I can't thank people enough. I probably haven't said thank you enough times for the rides, talks, times, tissue boxes, insight, advice, growth, presence, laughs you've all given me. I thank especially those few who made my birthday particularly special, in small ways you guys have managed to say a lot and I really appreciate it. You take life for what it's worth and you don't dwell upon what could have been, but what was.

People throw surprises and it's become a ritual to set up an event. It's special to see everyone there, but it means so much more for the intimate times you guys are able to spend without the rush of greeting everyone who turned up. I'm saying this because the next few years is going to change. People will move on and leave, they won't be as close and getting together will be a rarity. Things will slowly change.

I am completely and utterly devastated about this word this time around. In what seems like a blink of an eye, I'm here, we're here. People will change: the person you knew in high school may not be the same person in college. Situations will change: a death in the family may have a turning point in your pursuit of your career or possibly discovering a new passion can take you far away from where we see ourselves. Perspectives will change: the opinions we've once held will be modified, the beliefs and morals we kept close may be challenged. I will change. Why can't we just remain where we are? This time around I don't like it I want everything and everyone around me to stay the same.

Dear next year: To be honest I'm quite scared. You might be more difficult than your last, and I barely made it through. I can already predict what possible things may occur and I have no idea how I'll handle them. Bring me new experiences, new people. Open my eyes more, wider. Heal my heart of the pains experienced and prepare me for what's ahead.

Dear next year: Don't go as fast as this one did.

herpes simplex, yes i have herpes

i must be stressed...like really stressed out because i got an outbreak of cold sores on my lip and i haven't seen one in three years. It's 5:30 in the morning and i haven't slept.. i have class in 4 hours.

I'm so confused. My emotions are running rampant. What's your purpose in all of this? I know I can't possible understand, but that makes me frustrated. So then what should I do? I don't know anymore, you lead the way and show me. I can't do this on my own.

I've all of the sudden become aware. I took a step back and looked at it all, and I'm puzzled.

roller coaster

Hi's and low's. How quickly one's thoughts, judgments, emotions, and mood can change.

I had trouble sleeping last night and instead thought of all the jobs and possible things I wanted to do in life, the list will probably get edited several times as I find out more things. I also thought about waste, but that'll be for later.

I want to be/do/get/know:
-a dancer
-pastry chef
-photography
-tour guide
-flight attendant
-laws
-creative
-someone famous
-politics
-a motorcycle license
-food taster
-dog walker
-taxes
-a pilot license
-educator
-knitting/sewing
-veterinarian

What are some thoughts about knowing the future/your future? If you got your palms read, went to a psychic, or were dealt some tarot cards; how would the knowledge change you? If you hear something bad... I think I would be hopeless. But if you heard something great about your future... I think I'd anticipate for it.

Ignorance is bliss.



















Happy knew everything... didn't you?

Id est quod id est

Life is in a shit hole lately, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I wish emotions would have an on and off switch. I wish we could control how we felt and when we felt them. I wish I didn't feel anything right now "off". I just want to breathe and blink and nod when people ask me something.

However crummy the situation is, don't give up. Don't give in. even if you want to kill yourself; don't. suffer go through it, endure. In life there are choices. There are easy choices and hard choices. I'm going to choose the hard one today.

I'm still bitter. Bitter about my life the situation I happen to be given, the lack of options I have. Like a kid I want to kick and scream, throw a tantrum on the floor and pull someone's hair. I want to curse and spit in someone's face. This is a choice. Move on, do better, go through the pain, discipline, trust, forgiveness, understand, yield, grace. This is another choice.

I'm going to choose to move on, and just make it, however. Life is what you make of it. You want a bad day, you can have a shit day. You want to have a great day, you make it a great day. You go and stuff yourself with your favorite ice cream and jump around in circles even if you don't feel like it. You watch the office and you chuckle. You turn your music up and fill the space with your favorite song and you sing on top of your lungs. You make funny faces in front of the mirror and laugh at yourself. Don't be selfish and think you're situation is the worst. Take pleasure in the small things. You do what you can you keep you sane. You go through this and you survive.

No you do have control of your emotions. I'm turning it "on".

At the end of the day, it's just you. So just drop the beat

On a Friday night I pulled up to an empty house, not only mine, but the whole neighborhood was dark. The only light came from the flickering street lamps.

Disappointment, frustration, shock, grateful, annoyance, betrayal, alone, reflect.

Friends you have failed me, systems you are frustrating, death is shocking, being alive is grateful, behaviors are annoying, trust has been betrayed, I am alone, it's time for some reflections.

What you realize is that everyone at some point in time will fail you. They will cancel on you, disappoint you, not follow through, won't care, and have better things that come before you. Truth is, it's only your fault for expecting it. The person that knows you best, that you can trust, that you can have expectations for without failure is just you. I can only blame myself for feeling disappointed with those around me because I placed that trust in their hands. What does this do in return? Makes you more independent. You become more hesitant to let people in, you guard yourself and build up a front, you become more skeptical; bitter, jaded. I don't want nor need pity invites.

Life don't come easy, but sometimes situations and people are utterly annoying and systems have too many rules. People spit in your face, even though you didn't do anything wrong. Systems have no lenience, no humanity, no exceptions.

This summer, I have spent a lot of time for myself. Some of those times felt good, others felt boring, and many of them felt lonely. I think about my age, and at the height of my youth, I'm wasting it away. I look back and I haven't really accomplished much. I don't really have friends I trust and people who inspire me in my presence. I haven't had someone challenge me; provoke me. I haven't progressed and hardly grown these past years. No one around me really knows my story, my thoughts, my experience. This makes me lonely. But then I think about my previous statement about the current people who surround me, and I'm stuck.

I came close to seeing death this week. I have been lucky enough to not experience death within the family..yet, but this week I saw it. I walked away shocked, but extremely grateful for my life and the safety of people around me. What's the most important thing in life? Career, family, religion, traditions, passing your AP English exam, getting into that college, having those sunglasses, living in a certain community? I think it's experiences, memories, and humanity. Our lives, the ability to breath everyday, that in itself is enough.

At the end of the day, people are selfish. We care only about ourselves, our situation, our struggles. We complain and rant to our friends because we want them to listen, understand, and sympathize, but we hardly make the step to ask about their week, how they've been really doing.

In the silence, I pull back out. I drive on, the luminous headlights add to the dim lighting on the streets and it's still dark.

I really need a break from everything. My mind feels like it's going to explode. My shoulders have crumpled because of the weight. I am completely stressed out. I am unhappy. But there's no way out. I am screaming inside, no one hears me, I have gone deaf.

in the moment

Have you ever stopped and looked at your life, or even a moment in a third person's perspective to take a step back and reevaluate things? In those good moments, to realize the pains of the world, those suffering around you. In midst of those crappy bad days/moments and realize the simplicity of life and how great God is? We get easily caught up in a good sale, long savory conversations, meeting someone you haven't seen in a long time and doing something exciting, but all of the sudden the beggar off the highway on your way back from lunch seems to hit a sour note. The family of seven having dinner at McDonalds, stunts your high. After a week's worth of not being able to add the classes you want and constant drives back and forth with frustration on the rise, that song on the radio gives you a boost. Getting a call from a long distance friend makes the day just a little more bearable.

I've recently re-learned that I should always be on aware, aware of my situation, of the moment, of the people around me, where I am, how much I have, how much I don't have. This really contradicts the "live in the moment", "live life to its fullest" it counters the thought that in doing this I haven't found a way to balance awareness.

Why is saying sorry and admitting that you're wrong so difficult? Why does "I'm ready" take so long? Why is the first step seem like leaping across a cliff? How come "hey can I talk to you about something I've been struggling through" seem impossible? Why are we so afraid to be vulnerable?

A quote that keeps coming to the forefront : "If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? " (Evan Almighty)

crooked simplicity..sometimes

Yes, I ate something gooey and chocolatey and caloric with bananas and whip cream at midnight.. hey you've only got one life right?

satisfying your craving like spot one is definitely added to the list from the previous post

now that, that's done

school starts in 48 hours and I can't believe I've been jipped a month. But really, I'm kind of excited...honestly this summer has been a bore. Bumming around, eating out, meeting up, hanging loose, chowing down, driving around, cruisin' town really hasn't helped me nor the environment. Although I did sign up for a gym membership, but really haven't made full use of it. Oh and I'm unemployed.

I should have written out goals for the summer, they were in my head, but that really doesn't say much.

Something that crossed my mind recently (actually a lot of stuff have crossed my mind this summer) is that new years isn't really the only day that starts off a new year (or really the realization that a year has passed..) The end of school, beginning of school, deaths, graduations, promotions. Only the first two really have applied to me. Of course another reminder are annual celebrations such as birthdays.

With my birthday in less than a month, I realized that a year has passed and I've been thinking about the coming year. So I've been kind of reflective about my past year, and all in all a lot has happened. It's been a hard year, maybe the most difficult. More will come probably on a post closer to my actual birthday.

Besides that, as I was driving home (close to midnight, with music and the windows down--the weather was oddly nice tonight) I passed a fed-ex store, and I realized that it would be neat to be mail. Because the concept of mail is two ways. Someone sends something in which the other person is waiting to receive and probably pertains to something important, there's a message, there's a wait, and finally it makes its final destination--wherever that may be. Anyway, I love travel and thought that's another option..to be mail.

I thought about this because it's another possible answer to those questions about "if you could be anything what would you be?" there's probably a list in my head for that too, but being mail is an option, that's all I'm saying.

the simple things

a list of some of my favorite things/things that make me happy

-listening to jazz on the radio while driving at night
-taking a nice hot shower after crawling out of a cold bed
-eating something really really good and bringing someone the next time to show them too
-nature/scenery
-doing a puzzle--it's actually very calming
-learning something interesting (statistics, human psychology, trivia, operating a circus..etc)
-family dinners
-watching people that are happy (especially children, something innocent about them)
-a flattering compliment (particularly by someone you don't know--not in a creepy way)
-watching the stars and realizing that we're so minuscule and finite
-being encouraged
-creativity
-being in a new place (traveling)
-doing something spontaneous and it being successful
-camping
-failing at something but not being alone
-watching a good movie/reading a good book
-thinking back on positive memories
-hope


*I want to edit this if I think of other things
**many of these things can be accentuated when accompanied by someone special

ignorance vs. avoidance

You're walking down the street, shopping at the local grocery store, or eating at a restaurant and you spot a familiar face, sometimes we remember where we've met them, and other times we can't quite place where it was we've seen them. Nonetheless, you might make eye contact you might not and neither of you take any action. You wouldn't dare to smile more or less wave, nor would the other.

I always think that I notice people I've come across whether you met them briefly in line for Starbucks, or that person in lecture with the green back pack, than they would of me. I like to say that I'm observant or others sometimes put label it as stalking, having nothing else to do but notice the small things. But talking with some people, it seems that most people feel the same way.

Ignorance is bliss, I believe so. What you don't know doesn't hurt you. When we notice that person walking towards you sometimes they know you and other times they don't either way the response is the same. But the causation of that response is different. Ignorance vs avoidance. Ignorance arises from our subconscious, avoidance however is more tactical, it's preconceived.

I have to admit that even though that person and I have already unfortunately made eye contact, that the reason for my response is avoidance. Why is that? Why do we treat the world as a place full of strangers? Why is it weird for a man to pass by your group of friends and say "hello ladies" without perceiving as a perverted gesture? We have become too individualized, too self absorbed, self dependent, and blinded.

Too many napkins, notecards, scraps of paper, and thoughts have been lost or escaped, I'm hoping that the internet will last beyond my life time and the things I experience and thoughts I have will be branded here. Because clicking a button "forgot password" is easier and less messy than trying to find the bloody key you lost to unlock your diary.