Why not today?

Do you ever tell yourself "tomorrow"? Some verbs that most commonly precede this adverb:

• do it
• start
• stop
• run
• go
• call him/her
• pray
• quit
• give
• clean

Or maybe you're too excessive. In that case:

• watch less
• diet
• spend less

We say tomorrow is a new day, today is a new day, but how often is it really not? It's really just the same day as yesterday. Maybe it's better to ask yourself  "Why not today?" instead. What's stopping you from doing it, starting it, doing less, forgetting it, and remembering it right now?

What's really holding you back?



They say the first year is hard because you're going through it for the first time. You're still learning the ropes, making mistakes, and it still is fresh. The next year is suppose to be easier and perhaps by the third and fourth year you've gotten in nearly perfect. Hear's the thing...you can rarely perfect anything. The closest thing to perfecting something is simply a habit. 


It's nice to have met you Don. You seemed surprised that I had awoken you and I would be too or maybe I wouldn't be because I would have gotten used to the traffic that comes by being out there as along as you have. I always see you there and I want you to know that I thought about you and cared for you tonight. If you have been feeling like nobody has noticed you, I hope that I reminded you that that's not true. I hope the quickly cooling tea kept you warm for a brief moment on this cold night. You reminded me of how thankful I am. So thank you. 

The end to one of the hardest years..

As some of you know, this past year has been one of the most turbulent, challenging, yet growing years of my life thus far. I finished nursing school which in itself was a marathon, but then I was robbed, went through a breakup, and witnessed another fraud take advantage. I seriously felt uncomfortable if things were going right this year, because with some sick twisted mind I began to believe that I deserved all these terrible things.

I've learned some too. It would be a lie to say that through all this I've learned that challenges make you stronger, and tougher. No, that would be an exaggeration to say the least. It all broke me and broken things aren't made stronger...it'll never be made same again there'll always be a weak spot, the point of shatter. What I have re-learned is that all experiences make you who you are..and I do pride in who I am. So if you say who you are is strong, then I guess you can say that challenges make you stronger...

However, despite the oppositions I got through them and mostly because of all of you. Whatever big or small part you played. Whether you were that call representative from the board that gave me some hope, or you managed to post an encouraging Instagram, or whether we've been friends for 7 years and going, and even you. You were all very much of this journey and what I was reminded was that I wasn't alone. I think that was the hardest part of all of it, was feeling like you were on this one man journey. There are times I feel that way, but God reminds me through one of you. 

I can't thank everyone...especially that person from the board, it takes over an hour to even reach them. But hopefully, you all know how grateful I am. I want to remind anyone out there that you go noticed and someone out there has thought of you today. As you think about me because it happens to be a birthday, I hope you think more than to wish me a "happy birthday". But take the time to reach out and ask how we're all doing because you never know who's been praying for that. 

No matter how much I change my perspective...I have to admit that this year simply sucked. On that note I wish myself a much better year. 

Cheers to being a quarter of the century old, to all those who have been part of this journey, to those who will continue to be part of this, and to those who I will meet along the way.  Let's all celebrate when I'm official :)

Just as I think I'm cruising along

I keep self sabotaging as if I'm telling myself I need to constantly restrict myself from ever being at peace.

I get all angry, frustrated, insulted, then feel ultimately defeated. At this point, I can only blame myself.

God, I keep bringing myself back here. I feel so chained. I see that he has moved on and is free and yet I feel all caught up in a sticky web. I keep asking for rectitude and I have yet to witness any of it. Will if ever even come? There have been times I've had moments of peace and thought I was doing okay and then slip into my old ways. I give it up to you Lord, but have so little of faith. I have excepted that justice will never come to me and that I'll have to simply move on. What do I gain from it? Life is unfair. A lawyer will fight for the rest of his career seeking justice, but what good is that in the unfair life we've been dealt? People lose loved ones, become victims of deceit, partners backstab each other, people fall ill and how do you claim justice in any of those situations? You don't. What's the answer here then? To simply, just move on and say oh well? Gosh, I get so bitter when I think about that. I've been so programmed to live life based on merit, but turns out that in a second your merit can mean nothing. You can be the nicest, most loving, kindness, beautiful person in the world and still get cheated and lied to. How do I live in such an imperfect world? 

Why do bad things keep happening to me? No matter, how much I try my bestest to change my perspectives, in my deepest core I still ask that every question. Sigh.... 

My own way of dealing with all this is just to simply ask rhetorical questions and rant on this blog. All I can say is this, I live by the right way and try my best to not wrong people and hopefully I will be rewarded according to my deeds. But who's to say what you did was wrong? Maybe it was me all along, but something or rather someone tells me this isn't so. All I can say is that it is my hope that I will find resolution from this matter, whether it really is just time, but I truly hope for more. That's all I can do hope. 

Life is quite funny...(sometimes)

You can't help but laugh sometimes at the most tragic horrific things that happen in your life, because sometimes it leaves you speechless and all you're left with are not words, or secretions, but just sounds; weird sounds that come out of your mouth and muscles that spasm and contract around your ribs.

Life works in very funny ways (depending on how you look at it, perhaps in another post I would say it's shitty, and yet in another sad) because as soon as it looks good something bad will happen. Therefore, never become too comfortable my friends.

I write this post as a metaphor of my life. I went for a run got motivated and told myself  "You're strong. You're right, I am strong....I'm strong!!" and then what happened? Immediately, I tripped and fell and scraped my palms, skinned my knees and crushed my iphone. Yes, I learned how to walk 22 years ago. I guess experience isn't everything is it. But I got up and laughed because in that moment, I could have given up and said you know what life is sucky and then been super frustrated at myself and after the laughter subsided that did happen, but not as much. More of a "oh man, this stinks" vs. "wow..really? nothing ever good happens to you, you're cursed and you suck."

But with a cracked phone, skinned palms and a scraped knee guess who has the last laugh? I do, because whatever life throws as you, sometimes right after something good comes your way, you'll get through it. Get up, brush yourself off and move on. Put one foot in front of the other and just move on...

Is anyone else's life as such? Tonight's incident is just a humble metaphor of my life. Nothing comes easy!

Happy Birthday

You know who you are..

More than you'll ever know..

I have a few confessions to make..

1.) I encountered God's presence today. These past couple of weeks have been filled with angst, torture, agony, dark thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and loneliness for a lack of words to describe what's been going on in my life. Some of you know and some of you don't, others may have an idea. I tried to keep as much in, but it still oozes at its seams and I'm deafened from internal screams. I haven't eaten much and have slept little adding to the knots I've accumulated in my 20-something-years. So not being able to focus and with my mind blaring, I decided the best thing to do was something I'm terrible at, but thought I could do with all this energy running through me: run. I was fired up and thought I could channel all this into those things you call muscles, or what little I have. I took off running screaming down the street at eleven in the night (screaming inside my head of course). Then I gassed out at the end of the street, and felt pathetic that I couldn't even do that much. I felt so defeated. This only reiterated what I was already feeling and I beat myself up more. Then feeling so frustrated and wanting to punch a tree I came to my senses and did the next best thing: cry. I asked God "Why did I deserve this?", "I'm a good person", "What have I done?", "Haven't I been through enough?" and repeated those questions over and over again. For the first time in about a year, I was angry at God. Up until now, I just took everything that came, just got knocked down and shook it off slowly getting up again. I took the punches and got pushed around and I took it all. Tonight, I threw a punch back and with my fists in the air I couldn't even put one foot in front of me anymore. I didn't even know where I was any longer and got distracted for a brief moment that someone would creep up on me and I would die. Then I thought "Yeah, well given this track record, I wouldn't be surprised." As I continued to walk some more I decided to try something else. Instead of asking questions, I answered. I talked to myself as God would (not that I really know what that's completely like) and began to repeat "I will bring justice", "You are the wandered sheep I've gone after", "Greater things are yet to come", "Trust me", "Believe me", "Lydia can you do that?"
"No, I can't"
"Then just hang onto me, I will give you faith. I will deliver. I will give you peace. I love you. I hear you my child, I will turn your brokenness into something beautiful. I have plans for you."
"Do you believe me? Do you trust me?"
"I don't know"
"That's okay, I will do everything for you. I will bring you justice"
"Show me, I need you to show me."
Before I knew it, I was having a conversation with myself and I'm surprised the neighbors didn't report a mentally ill person who was talking to herself  in the middle of the night. Then I realized I was running the whole time and ended up in front of your house.

2.) I am in a dark place; a spiritual dark place. A place in which God seems so far, and the feelings of defeat have become too overwhelming for me to bear. I've questioned who my friends are, my worth, my value, and my purpose in life. I find myself to be incredibly alone too weak to even reach out and I can do is hope that God's placed me on somebody's mind enough for them to reach out to me. As I walk my life, dragging my burdened self, I find myself with no motivation and with an acceptance that this is all I'm good for. My thoughts continue and develop into how little I matter to be a part of this life and who would really miss me if I was gone. What was once a raging war in myself of competing thoughts, the grim thoughts have taken over. I have been feeling so empty and the only joy I get is in my ability to be a vessel and serve others. But then I am once again overcome with the thoughts that my value is not worth much in this life.


3.) I've thought about you a lot, how you live so close, how I could reach out, but never did. I secretly always hoped that you would. Prayed that God would place me on your mind or heart or some other miracle to happen. Well a miracle did happen. I've passed your house on several occasions thinking of how I should talk to you. Tonight was no different, talking to you was on my mind, but never knowing the means to do it. So as I was coming up on your house, I asked God "Show me, show me, if you are a just God, prove it to me" I turned the corner and I was my house down the street and I saw a man walking two dogs coming towards me. I thought "What if...yeah right...but what if it's you?" It was. It was you and you passed right by me. I don't know if you knew and you were avoiding or it may be that your night vision isn't quite that great (which I do understand, plus I looked terrible so it's probably a good thing). As you passed, I thought "Wow..........wow....wow....really? Okay...we just passed each other, should I turn back and approach?"

In life, or at least in mine, I've realized to seize moments, because that's all that it is: a moment. And as quickly as they come, as quickly they will go and be no more. Ask yourself always, "if I don't do this, will I continue on or always be wondering the 'what if'?" if the answer is yes, then seize that moment, because you may not ever have that encounter ever again.  Some say this is "living without regrets."   

So I did just that, I turned around and called you. It took some time because again I don't know if you were ignoring me and hoping that I would just turn back or if it was because the headphones you had were really stuck in your ears. Well, by that point, I had made my choice, so I continued to call your name. Eventually, you turned and saw me and we talked. You may never know what that encounter was, but to me that encounter was everything. It was a restoration of my faith, a glimpse of God's power, an understanding of God's love and his tender care for me. Having that encounter with you tonight, proved to me something much more than the details of that conversation itself, it showed me His grace and His reminder that He will always be with me. Emmanuel. 

I don't know, if what you told me is true. I doubt that you haven't talked to him since last year because that seems quite unreasonable to me. (I hope you understand that I've developed some slight trust issues in all of this...) I wanted to talk to you because above all things, I feel unjustified. I wanted someone to stand up for me and call him out and set him straight. I don't know if I'd ever ask you to do it, but that's now in the hands of God and how He makes you feel knowing all of this. I wanted someone to say "Hey, that wasn't right and you've lost out on a good girl. That was not cool."  I guess I was looking for some validation that I'm a good person and acknowledgement that what he did was wrong.

4.) A friend told me today that maybe during this time God is teaching you to believe in yourself, your worth. Rather than having someone affirm it, believing in yourself first. Believing that you're worth it, that you deserve better and knowing that you're a good person and he's at a lost. Instead of seeking others to say this to you believe that God thinks this way of you and having that faith that you are that person. Now that put things into perspective. I'll be honest, nobody during this time ever confirmed this, even my closest friends. Nobody told me that I am worth it and that I deserve better and that I'm a good person and he's the one who lost out. But I sought those words so hard this past year, and today I realized that hearing that isn't enough. It's believing in that. And I'll be the first to tell you, that's extremely hard. Because first of all, my self-esteem is in the negatives, my confidence shot, and my faith has dwindled into vapor. But God's love for me is so awesome and supreme. More than I could ever remind myself everyday, more than my little faith could comprehend, and ultimately more than my love for myself, His love exceeds.



I'm not going to say that tonight has set my path straight and into the light. I still struggle and I will continue to struggle. But I will tell you this, I needed tonight more than you'll ever know. This is a  revival you know. Something that I will always remember. You'll forever me a part of my life to who I'm molding into and who I'll become. Thank you, words cannot express what you did for me today, what you confirmed but the Spirit speaks for me words I cannot form and I hope that God in someway gives you the thought that you saved me today. Saved me in ways more than you'll ever know....                                                                                                                      

I find it hard to love

I just came back from running and stood at the sink with a dish in my hand and tears streaming down my face at war with the thoughts of hate on my mind and in my heart. I feel at constant conflict because I am told to live and think one way, but how difficult I find that to be. I want to hate and yell and be angry but  know that it's wrong and fight with myself everyday because of it.

Let's face it, I don't have faith. I don't have the faith that my life will get better, that I'll meet someone, that finances will always be a burden, and I'll end up always surviving and never enjoying. As a response, I tell myself that I can do it alone, never say a word to anyone the whole day, and nothing in life is ever given, but instead worked and earned through your own blood, sweat, and tears. I say trust no one but yourself because people always fail, always be vigilant, and keep your boundaries. Time and time again, this has proven to be true.

This past week, I've struggled a lot in loving life and everything in it including myself. Thoughts of not being here crossed my mind and I felt apathetic. I saw a knife and the thought of it piercing skin crossed my mind. Is this not normal? Has anyone else been as curious? I guess just morbid thoughts. I want you to know that I'm not suicidal. I'd feel too guilty and in debt to take a life that isn't even mine. But life is extremely difficult to do it alone and I need confirmation that you're still there.

Life's a struggle for me and as much as I want to say I can change my perspective I can't change the facts. I'm just down today and nobody to rely on, but myself, on a wonderful Saturday night.

I know I shouldn't have done that, I only brought it upon myself and knew what was going to happen. I find it incredibility difficult to not hate you. 

Yes, I am bitter

This time 3 years ago...our paths crossed wouldn't you say? You said your plans had fallen through so you came home early and went online to see me on. That's how it all started you say. What would have happened if you went out with your friends or I never came on? Could we have avoided all of this? This time last year I helped out at the restaurant because I wanted to and knew that your parents needed the help. I offered up my time knowing that school was about to start and I probably couldn't really contribute if I wanted to. I did my best that night to regulate those who came through your doors. I posted signs with your mom and did my best to turn away those who needed to use the bathroom. I remember you also did your best to keep people from parking in your lot. After several hours, we didn't care and we stepped outside to see the night light up from across the street. As I stood there while your dad took photos on his phone and you stood next to me I never would have thought a year later I'd be here. 12 months go by fast don't it? A half a year has past since I've last talked to you and another 6 months will past and I'll be at a year again. I'm sad that I'm graduating in a  month and you will not be there. I went to a wedding yesterday that you should have been at that restaurant we went to to celebrate our two years and I walked by that very same booth we sat at and I hated you for that moment. I try really hard to think positively and you know how difficult that is for me...I keep telling myself well I'm stronger because of it and if I went back in time, I'd do it all over again because it was worth it. Well, I'm not there yet to fully say that, maybe I need 6 more months. People say they moved on...how does that work anyway when you have memories down that street, at that restaurant, on that date? Is it possible to remove yourself from all that? I have yet to know because every place I revisit, all the roads I  drive down, all the exits I pass, a memory comes with it and I hate it. I wish I could just delete it all. I hate that your associated with a place, a person, a time. Yes, the better person would look on it and smile and say those were good times and move on, but I've haven't gotten that down yet and I'd just rather say I don't want to think about it at all. I've said this before, but I never ever want to see you ever again. I pray that our paths never cross like they did 3 years ago. I don't ever want to hear about you and I'm glad that I don't talk to him or maybe it's he doesn't talk to me. Do I sound bitter? I guess I do, because you took from me things I can't ever get back and left me with all these memories that are tied to all these places and I can't ever be separated from it and for that I despise you.

I feel so embarrassed above all things. More than bitterness I feel so humiliated that I let you in and you saw all my flaws and then broke me. I tried so consciously to push you away and then you fooled me and I fell for you and then you stomped on it. How embarrassing..I don't want to see you because above all, I wouldn't be able to lift my head up because you saw it all and like a naked person fumbling to cover herself I'd feel unjustly exposed, indecent and subpar.

I hope you know what you did and I feel sorry that you were, as you said yourself, a coward , because I deserve better than that. Who does that? Who waits in their car praying for a miracle and doesn't take no for an answer, and then suddenly turns stone cold?

No..I may not have confidence nor the strength to ever stand before you again, but I know that that's not it. That wasn't right, and after all those years I deserved more. I lost all pride and begged you to end things on proper terms and you couldn't even do that. You are a coward, framing to serve and protect, but inside you are a coward. You took an oath to fulfill the duties of a decorated official, but inside you and I know both know what you've done and how shameless it was, you're no man that I would have been able to trust my life with and am glad I found how sooner. I hope that in the years to come, you learn to fulfill your promise to  the community you serve because as of now you are a scared child buckling under your uniform fooling those around you because I know who you are and you should be ashamed.

I apologize for my own weakness of becoming so quick to anger to write this post, but honestly I'm not going to pretend to fluff up things that I want to say, because after all who reads this anyways? Yes, the critics are out to say that I should be mature, look at this in a positive light and all those good things, and yes I have done that and will continue to strive for it. Just today, I'm human too, and though it's not an excuse should we really be judging each other? I would say this is the equivalent of me throwing punches in my pillow and screaming into a tub of ice cream, maybe it's the heat? Okay, let's stop projecting, I was angry and I was bitter, and as much as I didn't want to post this. I want to document a time where I felt this way and as a marker for future growth to come. If you've read up until this point I guess you cared enough to see that it was more than a rant. So, thank you. 

Toils

2 moons remain until the day I end
A lot remains to happen between now and then
By now I prop my head up with my hands
To pay attention and look beyond
Because everyday until then I fight from being defeated
Looking at the ground instead of my path I've chosen
I've chosen you or?
My life remains in your hands
and I fight to be reminded
these are not my plans.
Time as come now for me to keep quiet
even though my insides are echoing in screams
Put a nice smile on for the masses
as I keep my head low and finish with passes.
Only 7 more weeks until it ends
I must keep toiling, it'll be here before I make amends

I know who am, but who are you (to judge...)?

Self-awareness and then passing judgments are the topics for today. Yes, we shouldn't judge, but let's face it, we do.

How many of us can really honestly say we know who we are? Maybe we know ourselves better than anyone else, but do we really know ourselves? What I've found recently is that people have a delusion of themselves. For most girls, this has to do with the fact that we perceive ourselves much less than how others would describe. The perfect example of this is shown in the following clip that I'm sure many have seen.



This goes back to the confidence post I wrote earlier about how girls really have a distorted view of themselves. Girls deal with insecurities that deals with their weight, looks, skin, height, and body shape (and this doesn't include internal insecurities we have..which is a whole other post). Most girls fall into this category. Now, I want to address the minority that don't. In much the opposite, there are some who are equally oblivious as to their own flaws (because, trust me, we all have them). In this category, most girls have gotten this notion from possibly continuous comments of how skinny they are, how fashionable and trendy they are, looks from others, getting the guys they want, etc. Years of this may possibly make someone quite confident (or not, but let's stick with the other). In the same category though, a smaller population of girls are not attractive (I guess this is subjective, so I'm speaking from my opinion), don't have the best skin, don't have the nicest personality, pretty ordinary, and possibly not even the skinniest and yet they have the same confidence. Confidence seems like a nicer way to put it, maybe I'm looking for another word, pompous?

What I want to write about is, how that small population will still judge others of their looks. Ironically, I've made a judgement about them, oops. I guess the point is, what gives the right for anyone to judge anybody, including yourself. There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance, yet another among self-depreciation  and humbleness. Should we be passing judgments on others and pointing out their flaws when we have flaws of our own, perhaps even greater ones?

Let us do unto others as you would have them do for you. 

and with what little remains...

As I write this post, I cannot tell you how we're going to make the next couple of months. As of today, my accounts can cover a another half a tank of gas. As I write today, my mother has taken full financial responsibility and I cannot help but inevitably worry.

And with what little faith I have, I dearly pray for a miracle. 

Lord, you know my heart, my struggles, and every single tear that falls. I am deathfully worried, and hopelessly cling onto you. Not necessarily because of my over abundant faith, but mostly in pure fear. And with what little remains of my faith or finances or company I just hold on. I know I will get through it because I've been through worse. I continue to repeat your Word and rather than having the option to believe I see nothing else. 

Don't we usually resort to prayer when we are at that point of despair? When all resources have been exhausted, and all telephone conversations have been used up, is when we often find ourselves on our knees. 

Forgive me for not coming to you first, and in a time of need. I do not have a list of wishes or demands, but simply that your presence be known during this time. Your grace upon the situation and give me the faith to know that you will pull through as you have before. 

How easily forgotten are those times. 

I am deathfully afraid and proud. I am barely intact but boldly composed and with what little remains I choose to write it rather than share. 

Confidence

Yeah....let's talk about that. Ladies you know what I'm talking about, but maybe men too.

As a kid, I'll tell you I wasn't the shy one. I was loud, rambunctious, clumsy, proud, a dare devil, buried makeshift barbie houses as a pseudo bunker, and always had comments on my progress report cards that I talked too much in class. I ran around, didn't care of what others thought, didn't care what I didn't have, or better yet what others had, and ended up with a lot of skinned knees because of it.

That all changed. I don't know if it was a particular moment, perhaps more of time when either we grow up and find that the world around us is much more dangerous than we ever perceived it would be.

One of my favorite books, The Catcher in the Rye comes to mind:

" Anyway, I keep picturing all these kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's only thing I'd really like to be."

So..how does this tie into confidence? I'll tell you..when you're young and innocent and proud you don't care. Your parents are your heroes, twenty dollars feels like you've won the lottery, you eat whatever the hell you want and think it's crazy if someone declines an ice cream bar (though this applies, with some guilt at times...), the only thing you compare is your Lisa Frank folders, you feel like that new printed floral dress looks so awesome on you, you think your crooked teeth is just a part of your looks, you go up to any boy and ask them if they'd come to your party, you think you're cool.

I speak for my childhood for this post because I know some people out there didn't get to experience that kind of childhood. I think confidence is greatly influenced by how much your parents believe in you. It is influenced by your peers and really yourself.

You grow up, and people get nasty. Then you doubt yourself. You grow through breakups, and all of the sudden you're thinking you're not good enough. You flip through instagram, and facebook, and magazines, and you compare your weight, your looks, your physique, your skin. You look those around you and you compare success, titles, positions, security, and financial abilities. Am I just talking about myself here?!  Then you go to church where they reassure you that God's made you perfect in his image and you are loved and beautiful. Soon, God seems to be the only one who thinks you're awesome and you're suppose to believe in that.

Where did all that confidence go? You took it. Maybe the test took it. Maybe the college took it. Perhaps the job took it. My parents took it. The girl on instagram took it. The picture on facebook took it. Southern California took it. But perhaps ultimately I took it.

Dear ___________, 

You should be proud of yourself. Do you know just how special you are how wonderfully you are made? How precious you are? You are unique. Don't try to be someone else. Be you, however that may be and know that I love you for that. You are the one sheep I go after, the one son I wait for, the coin I search for. Not anybody else but you. I notice you. I notice you in those times you think you're all alone. I'm there for you. I have plans for you and ultimately I believe in you. 

How often do we think of this? I sure don't. How much of this do we believe? Maybe some? Mostly none? Well, I'll tell you this: to whomever, I believe in you. I believe in you more than I believe in myself. Why is that easier? I don't know. Maybe it all comes back to confidence...



I haven't heard this song in for a while now, but somehow it crossed my mind today. This was a song that I frequently listened to during my walks. Isn't it strange that I doubted you and us so many times? I still don't know till this very day, whether that was because of fear or because we simply we're not meant to be. 

is happy

I know I rarely get to write posts like these nowadays, but for a change...

Today we had a grad panel at school from previous cohorts who have gotten hired, to share with us their experience on taking the boards and applying for jobs. As they each shared their experience what was an imminent daunting experience was curbed by their encouragements. I drove home thinking "I can do this" then I went for a run.

It's been incredible hot these past two days for God knows why and I've realized how I'll miss winter. Since it was nonsensical to go for a run this morning I promised myself that I would later in the evening and I'm glad that I followed through. Any way, as I was running I was also pensive (really to distract me from wanting to quit so bad). I thought about how grateful I am to be where I am today. I'm a college graduate and now I'm doing nursing and I will pass my boards in a couple of months and find a job. I forgot how hard the journey has been to get here and how much I've accomplished thus far.

I took the time today to be proud of myself and appreciate me. As I analyze and criticize myself so often, I should also reward and honor myself too. Are you happy today? If not, whynot?

Chin up :]

I thought about you and it didn't make me sad! If this is an "up" moment I'll take it. 

Mo money, mo problems? I think quite the opposite.

Today started off as a gloomy day, which I don't mind seeing that in a couple of days it will be in the high 90's. Less than a week ago, I saw how quickly things can turn in a day. I guess this happened a couple months ago too, but this goes beyond all that love and frill.

Be honest, we don't take each day for granted. When was the last time you were consistently grateful for the day? Lived it like it was our last. Cherished it without thinking about tomorrow? The reality of it is that there are some people struggling everyday to make ends meet, yet we are envious of the contents in another's instagram picture.

I don't talk about my experience of my clinicals because it remains a part of my journey that I haven't been able to quite process yet. Going through a program like mine, I just am a sponge absorbing it all in and find little time sharing any of it. But I will say this..tonight, a child struggles for its breath, a family has experienced a lost, a dad spends his last paycheck for dinner, someone is grasping at hope, and I will think about how my living situation in a month will look like.

Tonight, there is someone who's gained a promotion, had a gluttonous dinner, spent too much on something they didn't need, took a class at an exclusive gym and watched an HBO show.

My point is not to make anyone feel guilty. After all we all have been blessed with different opportunities. I just want to offer a different perspective before we go to bed tonight. How thankful are you? Do you still think you've gotten to where you are by your strength? What about those then who struggle do they not have the strength? I will tell you that I have strength, not much, but enough, and yet I find myself struggling.

I often times think how can I find joy in some of the darkest times, and I often don't. I find it so easy to criticize and be bitter at everyone including me. With my own thoughts, there is no way I can ever accomplish this. I do damn well try though. It's a struggle and a battle I do not win most times, but I try.

Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (Don't ever give up, if you think you can't handle, remember, God can). I thank you for that tonight. 

I feel that this is the only place I can really express what goes on. I find it easier to say I'm doing okay and move on because it's what people expect to hear. If you ever want to know how I am doing hopefully you can find it here.

Good memories

Do you remember the first time you asked me out at the town center by my house sitting on those cold metal mesh chairs?

Do you remember how I fell down on that date down a flight of stairs at the Maggianos at the Grove?

Then I brushed it off and left the restaurant saying something about a belt that I needed and we should go to a Best Buy to buy an extension cord in lieu of it?

Do you remember the name of that improv theatre we went to where the theme was about inception?

Do you remember afterwards we then again DTR-ed and sat on a cracked sidewalk where you probably thought what a waste of a comedy show?

Do you remember how disappointed you were when I hesitated to give you a hug for the birthday gift I really wanted that first year?

Do you remember how I didn't show up for your birthday and I called you that Sunday after when you were eating rattlesnake sausages?

Do you remember that ridiculous dance move you did outside of the rim shop I went with you to?

Do you remember the time when nothing went right and we ended up sleeping in the park?

Do you remember coming down to Tijuana and telling Edgar that the next time you see him, he had better out beat you in push-ups?

Do you remember that time in Long Beach where I said we should just be friends and what we did down the pier?

Do you remember that time after the hike in Fullerton what ice cream shop we went to?

Do you remember that time you handmade the gift of the dinosaur? I thought it was pretty awesome.

Do you remember when you clogged the toilet and was super embarrassed?

Do you remember when we were driving and tried to figure out how Elton John's  "Tiny Dancer" went and it all came out in a Southern drawl?

Do you remember when we rapped the song by Kayne West, "Mercy"?

Do you remember the small group iron chef?

I remember. It's hard to think about all the difficult times. Not because I am ignorant to them, but because the past was good. Thank you for all the memories and being able to make me smile about them for years to come. It's all you're ever left with, you know.

The trying past no matter how difficult, elicits a slight movement on the corner of your lips because had you not gone through what you did you would not be who you are today. Let us not be bitter about the past, thinking about wasted time. Let us propel forward with a change in perspective in seeing the beauty of the brokenness a paradox to our instincts.

You are strong and you are loved. You are chosen. You are unique. You are cherished and you are special. You are happy. You are happy. You are happy.



something in you must have changed..in the end it seeemed there was no room for me still, I tried to change your mind...I guess I wanted you more...

For you, for me

I want to let you know if you're out there and reading this, but maybe more for myself because I know it's out there now, that I'm letting you go. I'm loosening my grasp on it and I'm letting us go. I thought that I had done this already, but I had a lot of bitter emotions tied to it then.

"Was there someone else? There had to be.."

"Why?"

"Was it me? was I too much, or perhaps not enough?"

"What?..."

"What just happened?"

"How?"

"@#$5!!!!"

";["

"I regret it"

"I hate you, but more I hate me"

"Wow.."

"Awesome..." (obviously sarcasm here)

Yes, and then some. So, I thought I was doing a good job, then I crashed and I pretty much hit rock bottom where I just let it out, which really was less dramatic than what you might think. It just consisted of me in the shower and scratching deep down my face just so I could feel something else in that moment, you know, no biggie. But you know what they say about hitting bottom, there's no other way but up. So, I think I'm on that route, you know, up. Although, that would consist of me possibly going down again..(wouldn't be me, if I didn't think of this part, you know) Anyway, I don't know what's there out there for me, just taking a leap of faith. Nothing changing, but just my perspectives.

I genuinely wish you all the best and I hope I don't see you. 



Just a Bon Iver kind of day...

Me vs. Me

You.

I've loved you and I've hated you. I've cherished and I've regretted. I've remembered and I've forgotten.

You.

I love you and I hate you. I cherish and I regret. I remember and I forget.

You.

I've gotten upset over you and I've smile at you. I've cried and I've laughed.

You.

It's been loud and it's been silent. It's been hopeful and it's been hopeless.

You.

It's been busy and it's been lonely.

You.

I will love you and I will cherish; I will remember I will smile and I will laugh. I will be happy and I will be hopeful.

Do YOU think if I say this enough it'll be so?

You.

Why?

I win some hours and some days and then I lose some. I lose most. I keep trying to put one foot forward I do. I haven't come far and it's so easy to go back. I've started over again and again and again. Rather it's become a cycle now. I fight myself. It sounds so silly. I'm silly. It's all so silly and who cares? 

I.

I am my best friend and I am my worse enemy. I am my support and I am my own critic.

I.

I am a group and I am one. I am surrounded and I am not.

I.

I am strong and I am utterly weak.

I.

I fight fight fight and I lose.

You have moved on with everyone else. I got left behind and lost without knowing where I am, I am alone. I need to find my way you know? I have to. 

The weight of this world is all too much to bear. 

Who wins tonight? You do you. You win. Even in this battle me vs me you win...

Obsessed

like you would never know.. 

I promise you...

..that I'd never say something intentionally to hurt you 

...to fight while cooking together and throw harsh comments at you as to why you failed in your relationship 

...to say things like "that's why you can't keep a boyfriend" 

...to be loving 

...to say sorry

...I won't put you down 

...time with me will be savored 

...to uplift you 

...to guide you

...to encourage you

...to love you with all my heart 

...to show you that I care even after a long day's work 

...to make you feel worthy 

...and to never ever make you go to your room and cry over all of it and let time just pass by 

because I've been there and know exactly what it's like to hear those things from your own mom. thanks. 

Ugh......

....why can't I move on.....

Victim

We like to play the victim; or I do at least. We like to say that we've gone through the worst and it becomes this nonsensical, unwritten argument about who's been through worse. We sit there and say how "I've got it bad" and nobody can relate and I am my own person because I can't trust anybody anymore. You go through a cycle of envy, then satisfaction (not because anything's changed but you've changed how you think) and it's pretty endless.

I play the victim a lot. I sit there and there say that nobody can understand me and I trust nobody because they all fail and boo hoo to me; while I see others who are surrounded by people and the support they have. I sit here and complain about how I'm going through this alone and there isn't anybody standing up for me like you do. I play the victim card all the time and I'm telling myself to stop being a wuss. Stop playing the helpless role. Stop blaming everything around you and everyone around you (or not around you) and pick yourself up.

So what if people come and go? Why do you define yourself in what you have? Why do you think that you don't have support and nobody's standing up for you? Stand up for yourself! Grow up a bit and stop having yourself a pity party because you know what? You're not going to get anything from it. Stop thinking so negative all the time and take everything for what it is. Enjoy the times you're surrounded and enjoy the times you're not. You can't have everything all the time, tis life. Just be happy and think simply. Don't complicate things beyond what's needed and c'est la vie. I'm not saying be careless and apathetic. I'm saying stop being a downer.

How dare you?

Dedicated to You

Who do you think you are? Coming into my life and tossing me around? I was doing just fine and I told you clear instructions yet you still couldn't follow them. So simple they were. 

Who do you think I am? Some kind of ragged doll that just gets thrown one way or another? 

Who do you think you are? To have that much control, to have that much hold, to have that much power over me? 

Who do you think you are? To invite me in, have me settle in and then kick me out?

Who do you think I am? To sit there and cry endless about it and feel so dumb about having such a big heart? 

Well, I'll tell you. 

I think you're a joke. I think you need to figure it out and STOP trying to use me in the process. I think you have no idea, oblivious and ignorant to your actions and to what comes out of your mouth. I think you're insecure and so so far from the One that takes precedence in my life. 

You don't have that much power over me. You think you can crush me, but I'm persistent, you know. Fine, kick me out. Tear it out and shred it and while I sit there taping it all back together I'll still give it away. But not to you anymore. 

I am not going to feel dumb. I'm a strong bonafided woman. I am someone who knows myself and I have a big heart. A heart that I can't take credit for. A heart so big that even though I think you're the most terrible and evil person in the world I'm going to forgive you. Because He gives me that kind of grace. 

That's who I am.

You go girl. 

Take a break

I've realized today how much I wish to do... I took a break from you and I took a break from this and I just let my mind wander elsewhere. I keep thinking is this it to life? To worry about the next chapter in my life as some kind of next step in a manufacturer's process? To think that my life consists of finishing school to get a job to get paid to find somebody to get married to have kids and then that's it? I know I'm missing a lot of things in between there..but really if you strip everything away is that what my life is suppose to be? So...cookie cutter? So...boxed? Generic? Bandwagon?

I realized I can't be two people. I can't be a person who's living the life in Southern California and be passionate about serving. Not that I can't, I just don't know how, if there is even a way...How do you deal leading what I feel like dual lives?

I think about how much I have..how much we have here in the US. I watched a TED video about this woman who was a North Korean refugee and the hardships she'd gone through to escape and then to go back for her family. When I listen to stories like that I feel as if I get snapped back to reality. Even you, you don't seem to matter...

It's the fear really. The fear to deviate from the bandwagon. Should I just do what everyone else is doing? What's expected of me? What I somewhat can figure out and know about the future? Or do I truly try living life without walls. Without regrets. With love. With grace. With every single reminder why I'm here? Do I explore? and travel? Do I forgo security?

This year I turn 25. Where did the time go? I feel as though so much time passed so quickly yet, what have I done? Yes, after college I freaked out about my life and what direction I was taking. Being a quarter centurion I feel as though there is a direction, but do I come to settle in it with a predictable way or begin  thinking about how I can do more?

Yes, I want to do more. I'm made for so much more. I'm not made to worry about who I'm meeting, how many kids I'm going to have and how many rooms the two story house with a fixed mortgage will have. I'm meant to worry about much more.

This whole marriage thing gets thrown in your face after you graduate college. Almost immediately. You go from feeling young and excited to tackle a career and then people around you get engaged, throw bridal showers, and get married. I admit that was the case for me and I freaked out. I started feeling that I should be worrying about this and began to think in this manner, almost consumed with who got engaged next. But I am nowhere near that commitment. Yes, the sense of security of finding a life partner and settling down to get started on that next chapter is very appealing. But I just don't know how. Coming from the family background I did it's a tremendous terror to make sure a huge commitment. "Getting married is no joke. This is like for real."

When I thought about this today, for  such a brief moment I didn't care for this anymore. It seems so trivial to be consumed lately about what could have been. It's helping me to move on; myself. I'm glad for you to be working for a city you love and to see your life there now..but in a way I'm glad this happened too, because then my life would have been there too and I don't think I would have been truly happy. I mean I don't know..I did think about you today as I laid. I used to stare at you while you slept, thinking about whether I could see us growing old together and I did. I really thought we were going to make it. But the fact that you probably never had that moment of me comforts me in a way. It comforts me because I know you were not the person for me. Because in the end I would want to be thought of the exact way I felt about you. I want to be felt the way I felt for you because it is what I deserve. So don't feel bad, because I'm glad you were able to turn me down. When you said you feel free, I know what you mean...because I feel free too. Free from prediction and free from commitment. It almost feels like a memory, you know? Like  none of it happened, but the past just feels good. A part of me shuns it out and another part is grasping for it as someone would with air and so holding onto nothing. Then at the end I don't know which was what and what was which and then it all just feels like a hazy memory.. 

You seem to be fine, why aren't I?

I missed us today. I went to a wedding and the first since last summer with you and instead of being happy for the couple I was totally distracted. Why can't I move on like you've easily have? I'm so sorry I said no last time. 

But it's all talks of the past...

I am alone in my thoughts tonight. Just this post and me. 

You never truly know what a person is dealing with in that moment. You think you know. You think you have an estimate given the situation, the facial and verbal expressions, but really you have no idea... 

Please

Help me not to lose sight nor focus. Is there a way my eyes can just get stuck on you, perhaps with superglue? Is there a way I could just not think about this at all?

I just can't believe it all..

I have a hard time accepting that this is where you want me to be and what you want for me at this time..

I.just.don't.get.it.

When does it get easier? How can I just bypass this time now..

You suck, and you suck too. You turned me into this horrible monster. I don't know who I am and I sure as heck don't know who you are. You didn't turn me into this, I did it to myself. I only have myself to blame. I don't recognize you and I don't recognize me any more. This isn't who I am. 

Please.

Month marker

I don't know what came over me..(probably the fact that I'm on break), but I opened up the email and read it again. I know I shouldn't have, but it happened. It was short and concise, with little affect, and just tied with a sloppy-thrown-together-generic-polite end.

It's been a month now, and I'm positive you're doing just fine. I wonder if you got my letter and that it's probably in the bottom of a trash can. Maybe read; maybe crumpled; mostly likely unopened. All I can say is that, I've done what I can to make peace with it from my end. What becomes of that letter once it's out of of my hands, is no longer in my control...(though I so want it to be)

I have a week's break before starting up again on Monday. I guess the week's coming to an end. I said I would organize and sort things out. I guess I've sort of done pieces of it, but they're all just laying out like the barbie dolls I played with; all disfigured and contorted, and it's an unpleasant site.

This is what I've come to peace with for now (geometry practiced at it's best, I knew those proofs would come in handy someday.): If God can bring someone like you in my life, something that came out of left field, something that was this amazing journey, someone who felt for me that way....then I have no choice but to trust Him that He can do it again; better.

I look at my life right now and my past and sure, there are a lot of things that have happened in my past 24 years...a lot, but I am grateful. I'm grateful to know that I have received grace for everything that I didn't deserve in this life, even life in itself to be here. I know I have a purpose, not just a calling to have a title, or to impact lives, but that I know that God will bless me: my heart, my brokenness, me. Not just in the areas around me, but that He will bless me and in that I feel so loved. I feel so secure to know that I have someone who will never get tired of me pushing Him a way, of getting angry and telling Him what to do or how He should fix this, of how many times I tell Him he's wrong and I'm right, of feeling insecure myself. I feel so loved to know that He will never give up on me no matter how many times I walk away or say that I'm done with this relationship, despite the countless times I tell Him he's late and not on time, regardless of the times I express my doubt that He's not affirming me, I feel loved to know that He will continue to pursue and fight for me. I am satisfied to know He will provide unconditional love even when I ignore Him and challenge Him, even though I raise my voice at Him and call him regretted names. Because I know in my heart He loves me. I know He won't give up on me. I know that He will pull through for me. I know that He will never leave me with an email because He will never leave. He is always there.

I think this is why we seek these characteristics in relationships, because He is all a girl wants. Afterall, all we ever really want is someone like her dad.

So, I'm sorry I thought you were Him, because you're not. He's the only one that can satisfy me and give me the kind of security I am looking for. I must have gotten confused and thought for some reason you were Him. I know you tired hard because I kept asking that you became Him, but you're not Him. But I know now...and I'm sorry I sought this in you. I'm looking for someone He's called for me, and I'm sorry that that wasn't you.

The smiles, the smiles...

Hello internet world anybody out there? Good. Now to journal..

Today was particularly more difficult. It's been a week now and this time alone is doing me no good. I just have a hard time making sense of everything that's happened. I can't help but keep remembering the time spent together. The sand, the stars, the blisters, the melted cake, the smiles, the smiles... And I sit here and wonder if you're doing the same.

How are you keeping it together? How do you hold yourself up? How are you keeping yourself restrained? For me it's an hourly battle. I had accidentally called you the other day. Of course it went to voicemail as it would. But a part of me hoped that you'd call back. Of course you didn't as you would.

I keep thinking about times I went through with you, the empty house, the naps, the movie in a barren room, the smiles, the smiles..

I'm trying not to think about the future. The times I thought you were going to be there to see me through school through my tests, through my birthday this year. I just can't. But I spend all my time thinking about the past, the past with all the memories and then I'm in the present but it's so empty. I feel numb, then I'm submerged into emotions. I say I can get through this and then I'm drowning. It's an hourly battle for me you see.

You seem to be doing great. Good for you. But in case you ever wondered about me you now know. I'm struggling. I'm kicking my legs frantically, I'm moving my arms as fast as I can, but I'm tired now.

I keep thinking about the memories made, the salad, the fall, the improv, the hands, the dance, the tears, the tears...

I'm praying everyday you know. I can't get through the hour without grasping dearly onto Him. I hope you're doing okay. It seems like it anyway. How did I get here I keep asking myself you know? I'm suppose to be the strong one. I'm not suppose to be here. I'm so hurt. I'm so broken. But it seems like your put together just fine. I just keep thinking about the kiss... the kisses..