How Does One Become?

I have random thoughts throughout the day, it's a frequent occurrence.

Today I thought about how some people end up in the jobs that they do. I saw a receptionist today that clearly had some past in burlesque shows. I wondered how she ended up as a receptionist. It was obvious that she still styled herself in a retro seductive way (is that even a word? am I passing judgement? I guess so.)

Then as I was making a sandwich after a quick run, I thought about how people would work in the Food, Drugs and Administration Department. Well first I thought, "I wonder who inspected the turkey meat?" Then it went to, "it would be a pleasant job to just inspect food and come across unique fruits. Do they just throw those food away? Well that sure is a waste." Finally I came across the original thought about how one would end up working at the FDA anyway. Or even a food chemist or a pesticide specialist. Maybe there's some easy answers to all of these. Oh curiosity, you sure are a double edged sword.

I would like to have friends that are in various jobs so that I may be able to find the answers to some of my questions one day.. I mean how does one just wake up and decide they're going to be window washers??

how do i

It's not just the class I need, really. It's the direction. Where is it that you want me to be and how should I get there?

I got worried there for a moment you see. I know better than to reacted the way that I did. All that built up encouragement crumbled so fast and dissipated ever so quickly that by the time I saw the hole in the bag, I was left without any sand. I can't go pick up every grain. I guess, I'll have to fill it again.

Let me breathe. I'll keep telling myself that it will all be okay.

Take me somewhere, anywhere.

Impatience.

I want to know....now. It doesn't have to be the class you know, just something, anything. Could you let me know?

I'm kind of going at this blindly now. Trial and error. I guess I'll soon find out where the door knob is by feeling against the wall. Is that it? Nope, that's the light switch. How about this one? Try again, that's the frame.

Let me breathe. It's not the end. I keep thinking that it is. That if not this, then nothing, ever. That's not true, I deathly hope.

Hope. Yea, we all can use some of that. I think that's the first grain that goes into the bag.

Chaos vs. Peace

I teeter a fine line everyday. A balance of overwhelming anxiety brought upon by fear and uncertainty contrasted to the serene satisfaction in the small things. Sometimes the chaos can be suppressed and is so often, to avoid questions I'm not ready for, or rather don't want to face. But ever so sly, does it creep up on you. This is the daily battle. I win sometimes, and I lose on other days. The balancing act is me keeping track of my sanity.

Self Worth.

I've got to be honest. I know my identity in Christ and who I am by what the Book claims me to be. But I want to have self-worth in this world too. Is that so wrong? I want to be somebody. I want to be worthy and not only in the eyes of the One who matters, but to those around me too. I want the labels and the credentials and yeah, it would be nice to be paid for it too. I want to be accomplished and polished. I want to be somebody, but not just anybody. I want to be someone needed, and important. I want to be of worth and value. And I'm not talking about not being worthy to those who know me, but I want people I haven't met to recognize that worth. So yes, I am struggling with the fact that I'm not where I'd hope to be from my projections of last year. I know I have only myself to blame. Yes, this is a lashing out.

Yeah okay that's me being human, so what? I didn't say I wasn't a sinner. Put your fingers away. You can point it in another direction.

2011=Acceptance? Yeah, we'll see.

As most of you know, I have control issues, if you didn't, you do now. In particular, there is this one person I end up controlling a lot. Mostly, how I would like him to think; that it should be like me. But is it there something wrong with the idea of taking value upon success, freedom, and having ambitions? I mean, isn't that everyone? Well, maybe not.

I became very conflicted after finding out that he didn't have the same opinion as me when it came to talking about the use of pot. I felt that I did a good job in explaining why the use of it was a disdain. I gave good reasons as to why I would like to be free from being dependent from the things of this world like money and how drugs would bind you. I continued to disagree that although it is an outlet to cope with stress, there are much healthier alternatives to cope and even pointed out things he admitted he'd like to do when he was stressed like being in nature.

Well anyway, this brings up the real matter or rather question in hand. What defines right and wrong? I mean is it so wrong to smoke out once in a while? Is it wrong to have a drink after a stressful day? What's wrong with getting drunk and having a 'good' time? How far is too far? I mean as long as I have a conscious and know where to draw the line and at the end of it have no regrets does that constitute what's 'right'? Do I just love the way he is and allow him to do what he wants? I can't fix him, can I? I should just love on him and accept him how he is? I've been having great conflict in answering these questions and have found myself settling.

Compromise.

But in the end, what am I to stick by? There seems to be holes and exceptions that doesn't fit with the morals I've been taught.

This year feels much different from last. I felt every pumped and ready to take on 2010. For 2011, I have an unsettling feeling. Maybe it's how it started out...There are some changes coming this year, whether it's for the better or worse, I shall ride through them.

At a lost for words, and the funny thing is that it's okay.

I didn't know who to turn to on this matter and found myself here. I know the last entry was about words and how powerful they are, but I forget to mention that at times there are no words. There's no power because you're lost in the words you want to form. Sometimes you don't even know what words to form. That's me. I don't know what to say about it all. I can tell you the facts and what happened, but I can't form words around what I feel about it.

What little words I can form about is that I feel drained. I feel weak. I feel like I lost something. I did lose it. I know I can't go back. I'm conflicted.

Then the questions start to roll in. What have I gotten myself into? What can this possibly mean and lead to? How will I face it next? Will time allow it to be easier to adjust? and finally How do I feel about all of it?

They may be a string of letters to you...

Words. It's the most effective, direct way we communicate. Sure social analyst will say nonverbal cues like body language and facial expression are important, but what we say regardless of tone, pitch, or how we're crossing our arms at the time relays the core of the message.

"Stop." (firm)

"Sttooopp..come on.." (smiles)

"Stop please" (short, like when you're saying that's enough)

"Stop!" (quick, urgent)

Yes, it's true the way we say things can change what the meaning is completely. But stop means the same thing: to cease, discontinue, halt.

Words. Sure, they have an impact. They have the power to stir emotions: anger, joy, hurt, inspiration. Maybe that's why we hold such esteem to eloquent speakers in the past because words have the ability to bring unity. Words also have the power to threaten and destroy a person as well. Bullies who tease verbally have driven their victims to take their own lives. Words hold so much power that it can have the word "abuse" attached to it: verbal abuse. Some would argue that verbal abuse could do as much, if not more emotional damage than physical abuse.

Recently I experienced two very different conversations. The exchange of words in one was filled with longing, wishes, and hopes. The other left me confused, bothered, and hurt.

Be careful with what you say, because once it's out there you can't take it back. You can say "sorry", "I didn't mean it", "Let me take that back", but really... you can't take it back. What was said is out there and unless you can turn back time and do it over again, you really can't take it back. I guess the closest to that would be to use the "delete" button on your keyboard, but then again, what is once read is read, and even that you can't take back.

Maybe words can't break your bones, but it sure can leave a lasting impact.

They may be a string of letters to you, but put them together and make a word, a sentence, a paragraph, a speech and observe the power it has.

You probably don't know, but what you said meant so much.

I'm thankful for my worth and yours.

It's been a while since I've done a post. There have been times where I wanted to write about something but then I'd open up a blank post and the white empty screen that stared back overpowered me. Things just sounded boring. Then I remembered that this isn't about creativity, nor fulfilling someone's expectations, it's for me.

I finished watching a documentary called The Bridge and it is about people who commit suicide off the Golden Gate Bridge. It is said that on average one person dies every 15 days. In 2004, 24 people jumped and died. It's such a juxtaposition to the tourists, locals, and children that have glorified the structure.

Many people who died that year felt the same way: they felt no worth, and felt a constant discord throughout their life. A jumper gave his last effort of comfort to his family by saying "Just know that I'm in peace now.."

What makes the difference from one person to another when we all live in the same world, confined by the same rules and obligations, and the little variance we have in the choices we make. How far is the gap between me and Gene Sprague that determines why I live and he died? I have felt the same things too. I know it's not that I was stronger than he was. We all struggle with acceptance, wanting to be loved, happiness, and self-worth. But at the end of the day, what is that made me stay here and for him to jump?

We think we've got it bad. We try to create a greater distance between you and the person who's "got everything" We see a big jump from the poor and the rich. In reality though, I think it's not that big of a distance at all. In fact, we deal with the same family, personal, possibly financial issues. We seem to hide behind the labels and fill into our expected roles, when really we're not so different you and I. Things seem to be so far away from us: attaining a degree, not being single, money, getting that lsat score, love, a job. It's not. It's actually a lot closer than you think.

This Thanksgiving, aside from being grateful for my friends, family, and situation. I'm thankful for my life and everything in it; good and bad. Your life is worth a lot. To me, to you, to your family, and to God.

In the documentary, one passing photographer actually pulled a potential jumper off the ledge she was standing on. Is there really a price tag you can put on a human life? At the end of the day, no matter how much money you have what status and labels you have next to your name we're all connected. We live, breathe and eat. We work, we make relationships, we impact, we care, we cry, we love, we hurt, we laugh, and then yea, we die.

We're not so different you and I...

melt down

The earth cried today, so with it so did I.

Nothing brings you back to reality than a lecture.

Lately I've been hearing things that I don't want to hear, but is true.

It hit all at once.

I know what it is that I need to do, but I'm avoiding it because I want this moment to last a little longer.

Focus on the haves.

Don't panic, just calm down and figure it out, slowly.

It's not the end of the world, stop it.

I can do much better I swear. It's just I have a lot right now and the words come out unrefined and jagged. I wish you could understand my mind.

mute

I know I said I would turn in early today, but thoughts and emotions are so fleeting...I would like to remember that there was a moment where I thought about you and felt this way.

There are dips in my life where sometimes the independent wants to be dependent; the control yearns for the unpredictable; the predictable seeks faith; where the forgotten wants the memory; where the strong becomes ordinary and the lonely needs the someone.

It's the sighing superhero shedding his armor when he retreats back to his chamber; it's the father coming home and taking off his shoes to rub his sore feet.

I would have liked you here today by me, in silence, just your presence. I wanted to go back to when our rendezvous didn't require a dinner for conversation. I wanted it to be simple today, without an agenda. I thought about how nice it would have been to just go for a walk hand in hand and talk; or not. I could have talked, like I always do, but this time it would have been different because you would have been there to just listen. I would have sat down and picked at the grass like I always do, but it wouldn't have been the same today for I would have leaned on your shoulder as I was doing it. I would have made random comments and ramblings of my mind and contemplations of the world like I always do, but it would have been different today because you would have been present to listen to it all. You could be mute for all I care, I just missed you today. You're missing out on what I have to say, and I can't promise that it will all be there when we see each other again.

he didn't remember

You forgot. You forgot and this makes me sad. I'm going to say you forgot rather than you didn't remember because if you didn't remember than you've forgotten about me. This would be despair.

"I love to sleep. Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious at the same time."

Water Brings Diamonds to Grass

Too Proud

Rather stand against the wall and hope no one sees me. I don't want to be touched, hurt, bothered. Everybody but me.

I'm feeling a bit bummed out.

It's hard to comprehend why things didn't happen the way it did.

You knew I needed it and it wasn't delivered. I can't see what it is You're doing often times. I can't help but ask the question "why?".

Now things are in the air, and I don't know where it is I'm going. I'm feeling insecure and like being in a foreign country without map, beginning to get lost.

So what is it then? What now? Where do I go?

In hindsight we try to see whether we did everything we could in our power to make it happen; to have no regrets. We want to believe we did.

I did try.

Sometimes we look for any signs, slivers of hope, and can often make the mistake of trying to make a connection between the occurrences. We want to believe it wasn't just a coincidence.

I thought it was. You woke me up just in time. I even asked you last night if I did wake up in time, I would go.

Then, we become crazy. Even though things didn't turn out the way it did, and in the midst of feeling confused, lost, and frustrated we get another emotion. Right before we see the pieces crumbling a pebble comes to stabilize the wobbling structure. It's not a complete solution, and it's not quite a brick, but at least we've found a way to keep it from completely toppling over. We begin to feel that things will work out and it's not the end-of-the-world. We may do this to rationalize what just happened. We do this to keep our sanity. What a contradiction.

I know I didn't get it this time, but there's always next time. I know it would have been ideal for me to get it now, but it seems like you have other plans. For some odd reason or another, I feel that it will be okay. It's like I fell and was about to cry, but someone gave me a candy bar instead. At least I have this notion.

Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Whether I believe this or not, I'm going to. I need to.

last minute.

a part of me doesn't want to deal with it, so i'm pushing it off, but i know this will come to haunt me and i will regret it.. it's like ignoring the dentist when you have a cavity and when you finally go in you now have to get a root canal.

i need motivation.

It goes on

Summer is winding down. I'm suddenly feeling that I didn't really have one, so now I want to cram things in before school starts up again.

stay up where it's careless and free until we get back down to earth

Relief

Today started out fairly well, and the day only got better. I woke up today and just felt gratitude. I felt thankful for everything despite what I didn't have, and my current situation. I went to service today and two words stuck: "be faithful". I took a trip to the beach and drove down PCH and enjoyed the view. I stopped to take some pictures here and there. I read my book for an hour in the sand and heard people talk about the view. I saw people relaxed and with family. I saw smiles and I heard tears. I met up with some friends I hadn't seen since the beginning of summer and drove home listening to some jazz. I thanked God that I was able to have a day like today. I love how God gives us breaks time to time; allowing the Spirit to uplift us and be joyful even in times of suffering and pain.

I don't know

I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't know what. I don't know who and I don't know where.

All I know is not here, not them, not me, not that, not this, not now, not later, and not this way.

It's so much easier to leave than stay, to forget than remember, to listen than speak, to nod than to say no, to be kind than angry, to show nothing, but feel everything.

I wish you could be stronger. I wish you knew your strength. I wish you knew how to make it on your own instead. I wish you knew that it's different nowadays. I wish you can do what you want to, without asking permission to. I wish you could be free. I wish you realized what power you possess. I wish you knew.

So what happens now? I can't help but become anxious about it all over again. Why can't I not be part of this anymore?

oh how fickle is the human heart

How did it become August already? I remember doing things here and there for the month of July, but altogether it was a blur.

This summer's been a little different; much different from the summer spent as a recent graduate, adjusting to moving back home and continuing life outside of being a student. This summer has been somewhat direction-less.

How quickly can emotions go from one end to the opposite side. How easy can one voice change your mood. How instant can a smile turn into a frown. How possible a chord can strike you in the right place.

The downfall of communication in our generation lies in our reliance on intangible avenues of expressing our facial expressions, body language, tone and pitch of an individual.

I hope you know that sometimes I don't understand you. I can read what it is you're saying, but the messages seem to have lost a certain characteristic in what it was trying to convey. In this, I draw my own conclusions and sometimes find myself offended. Hopefully the efforts you're putting in, is worth as much as I am understanding.

On this particular friday night.

I stayed in and went for a walk.

I came across drawn windows and peeked in. I saw the flickering lights reflecting off bedroom walls. I saw pictures of families and drawings of siblings hanging in the living room. I saw a bookshelf filled with books like a library up against a dinner table. I heard crickets and saw snails. I saw the trickling of water in the gutter as the sprinklers shut off. I caught whiffs of fat drippings roasting on charcoal. I heard sound of the freeway across the street.

I walked in the middle of the road and looked up and I saw the moon. I looked down and saw my shadow casted from the streetlight.

I began to think about people.

I thought about you and what we talked about. I lifted up a short

prayer for what it was you were dealing with when we last talked.

I let my mind wander and everything went through my mind. Then I sat down on a curb and closed my eyes and let the music drown everything out. I opened my eyes again and saw the moon.

It was the first time in a long time, I felt at peace standing still while the world moved.

It's been confusing lately. Everything. So much impending and imminent. Today was good.

I am speechless and completely exhausted. It's all so unfair. I don't get it.

I wish it was all a bad dream, waking up this morning it almost felt like it.