Chaos vs. Peace

I teeter a fine line everyday. A balance of overwhelming anxiety brought upon by fear and uncertainty contrasted to the serene satisfaction in the small things. Sometimes the chaos can be suppressed and is so often, to avoid questions I'm not ready for, or rather don't want to face. But ever so sly, does it creep up on you. This is the daily battle. I win sometimes, and I lose on other days. The balancing act is me keeping track of my sanity.

Self Worth.

I've got to be honest. I know my identity in Christ and who I am by what the Book claims me to be. But I want to have self-worth in this world too. Is that so wrong? I want to be somebody. I want to be worthy and not only in the eyes of the One who matters, but to those around me too. I want the labels and the credentials and yeah, it would be nice to be paid for it too. I want to be accomplished and polished. I want to be somebody, but not just anybody. I want to be someone needed, and important. I want to be of worth and value. And I'm not talking about not being worthy to those who know me, but I want people I haven't met to recognize that worth. So yes, I am struggling with the fact that I'm not where I'd hope to be from my projections of last year. I know I have only myself to blame. Yes, this is a lashing out.

Yeah okay that's me being human, so what? I didn't say I wasn't a sinner. Put your fingers away. You can point it in another direction.