Change

When a birthday's coming up usually you start paying attention the month before. You start officially counting down once the month starts. This year I didn't even notice. The 15th could have been the 15th of any other month. I got up and went to class, I ran errands, I got texts, I had dinner. It came and went.

Earlier this year, when people began turning 21, I looked forward to mine. I got excited about finally reaching that age and hopefully ending it with a bang. But when September came around I didn't feel it. I didn't want a bang, I didn't want to really celebrate it.

2009 has been a hard year, and I can't guarantee that the following year is going to be better. This past year has probably been one of the most challenging and painful years that I have yet experienced. The sad unwanted ending of some great college years and transitioning into thereafter has been something I can't really put into words. Hopefully it's been a growing process, and slowly I'll be able to fully transition into the next chapter. I think this greatly contributed as to why I couldn't quite shake off the past year and celebrate the up and coming one. Things don't change over night and situations need time. I hope eventually I'll get there, then I'll really go out with a bang.

I can't thank people enough. I probably haven't said thank you enough times for the rides, talks, times, tissue boxes, insight, advice, growth, presence, laughs you've all given me. I thank especially those few who made my birthday particularly special, in small ways you guys have managed to say a lot and I really appreciate it. You take life for what it's worth and you don't dwell upon what could have been, but what was.

People throw surprises and it's become a ritual to set up an event. It's special to see everyone there, but it means so much more for the intimate times you guys are able to spend without the rush of greeting everyone who turned up. I'm saying this because the next few years is going to change. People will move on and leave, they won't be as close and getting together will be a rarity. Things will slowly change.

I am completely and utterly devastated about this word this time around. In what seems like a blink of an eye, I'm here, we're here. People will change: the person you knew in high school may not be the same person in college. Situations will change: a death in the family may have a turning point in your pursuit of your career or possibly discovering a new passion can take you far away from where we see ourselves. Perspectives will change: the opinions we've once held will be modified, the beliefs and morals we kept close may be challenged. I will change. Why can't we just remain where we are? This time around I don't like it I want everything and everyone around me to stay the same.

Dear next year: To be honest I'm quite scared. You might be more difficult than your last, and I barely made it through. I can already predict what possible things may occur and I have no idea how I'll handle them. Bring me new experiences, new people. Open my eyes more, wider. Heal my heart of the pains experienced and prepare me for what's ahead.

Dear next year: Don't go as fast as this one did.