At the end of the day, it's just you. So just drop the beat

On a Friday night I pulled up to an empty house, not only mine, but the whole neighborhood was dark. The only light came from the flickering street lamps.

Disappointment, frustration, shock, grateful, annoyance, betrayal, alone, reflect.

Friends you have failed me, systems you are frustrating, death is shocking, being alive is grateful, behaviors are annoying, trust has been betrayed, I am alone, it's time for some reflections.

What you realize is that everyone at some point in time will fail you. They will cancel on you, disappoint you, not follow through, won't care, and have better things that come before you. Truth is, it's only your fault for expecting it. The person that knows you best, that you can trust, that you can have expectations for without failure is just you. I can only blame myself for feeling disappointed with those around me because I placed that trust in their hands. What does this do in return? Makes you more independent. You become more hesitant to let people in, you guard yourself and build up a front, you become more skeptical; bitter, jaded. I don't want nor need pity invites.

Life don't come easy, but sometimes situations and people are utterly annoying and systems have too many rules. People spit in your face, even though you didn't do anything wrong. Systems have no lenience, no humanity, no exceptions.

This summer, I have spent a lot of time for myself. Some of those times felt good, others felt boring, and many of them felt lonely. I think about my age, and at the height of my youth, I'm wasting it away. I look back and I haven't really accomplished much. I don't really have friends I trust and people who inspire me in my presence. I haven't had someone challenge me; provoke me. I haven't progressed and hardly grown these past years. No one around me really knows my story, my thoughts, my experience. This makes me lonely. But then I think about my previous statement about the current people who surround me, and I'm stuck.

I came close to seeing death this week. I have been lucky enough to not experience death within the family..yet, but this week I saw it. I walked away shocked, but extremely grateful for my life and the safety of people around me. What's the most important thing in life? Career, family, religion, traditions, passing your AP English exam, getting into that college, having those sunglasses, living in a certain community? I think it's experiences, memories, and humanity. Our lives, the ability to breath everyday, that in itself is enough.

At the end of the day, people are selfish. We care only about ourselves, our situation, our struggles. We complain and rant to our friends because we want them to listen, understand, and sympathize, but we hardly make the step to ask about their week, how they've been really doing.

In the silence, I pull back out. I drive on, the luminous headlights add to the dim lighting on the streets and it's still dark.

I really need a break from everything. My mind feels like it's going to explode. My shoulders have crumpled because of the weight. I am completely stressed out. I am unhappy. But there's no way out. I am screaming inside, no one hears me, I have gone deaf.