Month marker

I don't know what came over me..(probably the fact that I'm on break), but I opened up the email and read it again. I know I shouldn't have, but it happened. It was short and concise, with little affect, and just tied with a sloppy-thrown-together-generic-polite end.

It's been a month now, and I'm positive you're doing just fine. I wonder if you got my letter and that it's probably in the bottom of a trash can. Maybe read; maybe crumpled; mostly likely unopened. All I can say is that, I've done what I can to make peace with it from my end. What becomes of that letter once it's out of of my hands, is no longer in my control...(though I so want it to be)

I have a week's break before starting up again on Monday. I guess the week's coming to an end. I said I would organize and sort things out. I guess I've sort of done pieces of it, but they're all just laying out like the barbie dolls I played with; all disfigured and contorted, and it's an unpleasant site.

This is what I've come to peace with for now (geometry practiced at it's best, I knew those proofs would come in handy someday.): If God can bring someone like you in my life, something that came out of left field, something that was this amazing journey, someone who felt for me that way....then I have no choice but to trust Him that He can do it again; better.

I look at my life right now and my past and sure, there are a lot of things that have happened in my past 24 years...a lot, but I am grateful. I'm grateful to know that I have received grace for everything that I didn't deserve in this life, even life in itself to be here. I know I have a purpose, not just a calling to have a title, or to impact lives, but that I know that God will bless me: my heart, my brokenness, me. Not just in the areas around me, but that He will bless me and in that I feel so loved. I feel so secure to know that I have someone who will never get tired of me pushing Him a way, of getting angry and telling Him what to do or how He should fix this, of how many times I tell Him he's wrong and I'm right, of feeling insecure myself. I feel so loved to know that He will never give up on me no matter how many times I walk away or say that I'm done with this relationship, despite the countless times I tell Him he's late and not on time, regardless of the times I express my doubt that He's not affirming me, I feel loved to know that He will continue to pursue and fight for me. I am satisfied to know He will provide unconditional love even when I ignore Him and challenge Him, even though I raise my voice at Him and call him regretted names. Because I know in my heart He loves me. I know He won't give up on me. I know that He will pull through for me. I know that He will never leave me with an email because He will never leave. He is always there.

I think this is why we seek these characteristics in relationships, because He is all a girl wants. Afterall, all we ever really want is someone like her dad.

So, I'm sorry I thought you were Him, because you're not. He's the only one that can satisfy me and give me the kind of security I am looking for. I must have gotten confused and thought for some reason you were Him. I know you tired hard because I kept asking that you became Him, but you're not Him. But I know now...and I'm sorry I sought this in you. I'm looking for someone He's called for me, and I'm sorry that that wasn't you.

The smiles, the smiles...

Hello internet world anybody out there? Good. Now to journal..

Today was particularly more difficult. It's been a week now and this time alone is doing me no good. I just have a hard time making sense of everything that's happened. I can't help but keep remembering the time spent together. The sand, the stars, the blisters, the melted cake, the smiles, the smiles... And I sit here and wonder if you're doing the same.

How are you keeping it together? How do you hold yourself up? How are you keeping yourself restrained? For me it's an hourly battle. I had accidentally called you the other day. Of course it went to voicemail as it would. But a part of me hoped that you'd call back. Of course you didn't as you would.

I keep thinking about times I went through with you, the empty house, the naps, the movie in a barren room, the smiles, the smiles..

I'm trying not to think about the future. The times I thought you were going to be there to see me through school through my tests, through my birthday this year. I just can't. But I spend all my time thinking about the past, the past with all the memories and then I'm in the present but it's so empty. I feel numb, then I'm submerged into emotions. I say I can get through this and then I'm drowning. It's an hourly battle for me you see.

You seem to be doing great. Good for you. But in case you ever wondered about me you now know. I'm struggling. I'm kicking my legs frantically, I'm moving my arms as fast as I can, but I'm tired now.

I keep thinking about the memories made, the salad, the fall, the improv, the hands, the dance, the tears, the tears...

I'm praying everyday you know. I can't get through the hour without grasping dearly onto Him. I hope you're doing okay. It seems like it anyway. How did I get here I keep asking myself you know? I'm suppose to be the strong one. I'm not suppose to be here. I'm so hurt. I'm so broken. But it seems like your put together just fine. I just keep thinking about the kiss... the kisses..

Learning...yet again

I have realized that my insecurities come to be because I'm seeking it in all the wrong places. I am anxious in where I am, where I'll be, who I'm with, who I'm not with, afraid of the failures rather than excited about endeavors. I try to be defined in my title, success, education, finance, relationships and it's. just. not. working. out.

I have realized that no other relationship can provide me security than my God. How strong of fortress and a rock He shall be in my life. The foundations need to be built again. I need to demolish what's left of this brittle    base that's just crumbling. I've tried to fortify it with temporary patches like putting a band-aid to an open wound. It's just not going to last. So I'm going to start it all over, or at least I'm going to try.

Because it's not your fault. I keep wanting to blame you, but I'm looking at it another way and it's not really you. I'm seeking for too much that no one can really offer to me, but God. 

God, I trust you. I don't know if I wholly believe it with my being yet. But I'm going to keep saying it, because time and time again you're proving that you're all I really have in this world. As people come and go, and as relationships flourish and die, you stay the same. Age after age, you remain. I trust you that the times I go through is part of your bigger plan for me. A plan that I cannot fathom, places I could never imagine, and incredible people I will meet. Help me to be excited, and courageous. Remind me that I should be confident and excited, because that's how you've made me. Replace my anxiousness, insecurities, and worries with optimism.

It's hard not to be mad, but I'm learning to forgive. I'm praying to God for strength, because it is something that I do not have. He will deliver me. 

Where you lead I will follow because as lost as I am you'll take me through these green pastures I do not know of and roads I can't see beyond my feet, but you will guide my path and beckon me to your light and I will look back and see the journey I could not before. 

Boomerang

Time and time again we are reminded the only person who can deliver us and never fail us in truly God. People will lie, cheat, discourage, and never fully satisfy you. Yet, we continue to go back to depending our trust and security in them.

I'm learning in this season, to really trust God; give it to him, rely on Him, find the satiety. Aren't we constantly looking for affirmation? In our appearance, our status, our accomplishments, who I'm with? The so good truth is that I can come as in to Christ. He loves me for who I truly am, and unconditionally love me through all my mistakes. I know He will despite the fact I couldn't finish school, that I gained 10 pounds, that I was still in my pjs answering the door, that I gave into my sins again.

Can we just smile and have confidence in that today? Thank you..

Can you say that?

Losing reality

I keep second guessing what's real and what's not. What's happening and what's happened. I'm losing track of time and days and it's becoming awfully confusing.

It's sometimes a lot easier to not let anyone see your insides. I mean when you're dressed and you're hair's styled and you got that smile you've mastered on your face things are easier. It gets harder when they come over and see your room or catch you on a Friday evening in your pjs after not shaving for a couple of days. Things get awkward because you've gotten comfortable but that was assumed and not mutual. Then it gets ugly because you sit there being the worse critic you could be to yourself and wonder how you got so fooled to be here in the first place. Of course, this is before the struggle you have of telling yourself you could clean up and make something of yourself, but failing more than once to be motivated to.  So yea, it's easier to see the outside because the inside is really a bunch of chaos, self-pity and all kinds of rubbish. 

I'm becoming to wonder how to make of all of this, Quincy. I am beginning to feel utterly foolish. 

Can't be pleased

You couldn't understand what I meant. It wasn't that it would have been the same if you came down. No. For it was truly my perspective you were looking through, you would have seen that you don't have to feel guilty for coming down on my end. Still? You come down I feel bad because you're neglecting your family for work. I go up as a nice gesture because you come down so often, but I feel bad you have to take time away from your family for work. It's really a lose-lose situation here. Do you ever think about how unordinary this is? How much easier I could have it all? I don't think you do. Because if you did, I would have gotten more credit, which I don't. Well it is what it is, isn't it?

I'm back. Well for now..

I'm suppose to be writing my 8-10 pg research paper. Instead? I'm writing in here with only two pages. The paper is relatively interesting. It's about justification. Don't know? ask or google it.

I hate writing. Aside from journaling I hate it. Instead? I stalked some people. Tomorrow I'm going to San Diego. Next week I'm a free woman. Next year I'm  going to be a nurse and in incredible debt. Eff.

I'm not held down, but I do feel that way. What holds us down? A lot of times it's ourselves isn't it? We let the past get the best of us that and fear. What's the difference between that person who's living life and you, who isn't? We can blame the job, the deadlines, the lack of funds, but those are all excuses. Unless you truly do have a family, why aren't we embracing it? Why am I not embracing it? Dah...

What seems like forever

It's here tomorrow..I mean there's still ways to go, but I'm here, sort of. In disbelief, just like when my phone shattered last Friday. It's been quite the journey to get here. Lots of uncertainty, lots of posts, lots of frustrations and tears, lots of hands in the area followed by "why", lots of complaining, and not enough gratitude. Funny how, it's something we know, we hear a lot about, and many sermons done over again on it and we still manage to forget it time to time.

Goodness, I don't know what to expect. I wonder what you all are doing and what points in your life you all are. It'd be nice to hear how far you've come where you are in getting "there" and what's happened the last year. What happened to you?

Summertime snuck up didn't it? (and since when was snuck not a word? is it sneaked? apparently so..oh well) Sure did. Summer of 2012 what memories await me? How can I write this one?

FML

Lots of things have happened already in the first couple of weeks of this new year. Let me record.

Last Wenesday I had an interview of which I still haven't heard back from so I can't deem it as a good thing or not. But I guess it's a good thing because it came out of nowhere. I got a call and scheduled an interview. I can say it went well, but then again who knows.

Last Friday I left my new iphone in the library and had it stolen, by what seems to be a janitor. This was bad. Maybe I was being punished for wanting something I selfishly couldn't afford. Maybe it was never meant for me to have. I want to blame you for telling me to get it, but that doesn't make sense. This leads to Saturday.

Last Saturday I decided to track this thief down. You know, because now you can do that. So I waited two hours, wondering if I should approach him when I saw him. I didn't see him. So I went home. Then my car broke sputtered on th freeway. Poor Walter. Luckily someone asked me if I needed help and I said yes. He told me to go to his friend's shop so I did. I got lucky again when all it was a broken fan belt. (it circulates your water pump, radiator, and power steering fluid, in case you experience something similar) When I drove home it was dark and the whole day had past. Lots of waiting was invovled.

Two days ago, I was on my way tutoring again and I was driving behind a NBC news van. I was caught up and I guess I ran a red. So I got a traffic citation. This is when I broke down.

Why did everything happen all at once so quickly? To make sense of it I believe that there's a reason for all of it. I guess I'm pretty numb now. Yes, it was only a ticket and I'm safe. Yes, I lost my phone and no one came to rob me. But it's hard to look at it that way.

I guess I'm okay now. But it all sucked. Happy New Year.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder?

there's always someone more beautiful than you. you can either come to accept this fact or you can come to accept yourself and learn then that you're a beautiful person too.

how we look at things. i can really only see through my own eyes. my now -7.50 eyes. i am the beholder so what i deem beautiful is beautiful indeed.

I needed that. I mean not the pie, but you know the thought, the affirmation, yeah...the pie. 

words i came across today: bodega, lorem ipsum, exsanguinate

to your own standard

I've been finding myself comparing a lot these days.

I wish I could go to Paris too.

You looked nice in that new dress.

It must be nice to have your own place.

So, you got into that program huh?

Oh, you work there now?

Good for you.

Nothing good comes out of comparing because the way I do it it's not constructive nor motivational. Instead I look outward and then inward at my own life and I begin to see all the negatives and the lack. I know I have a lot. But why is it that it's so hard to be content? Why do we have a constant yearning for more, but not of the right one? I see everyone moving towards one thing or another I feel anchored. I'm moving too right? Someone else is looking at me and saying "Oh, cool she's doing that now" right?

All you can do is compare to yourself. Compare how much you've progressed and hold yourself to your own standard. Sometimes, that's worse. Knowing how long you've been stuck at one place for not growing.

Forgive me for forgetting who I am and how much You have blessed me. Forgive me for wanting a pass, some stability, acceptance to a school, the job, the affirmation. I know that it is already given. Forgive me for I have so little faith and have forgotten Your power. I know that all these things I seek I can find in you. I know that in you is contentment, security, and company. Help me to lean on you more for my fulfillment.

Words I came across today: accosted, redeem, reconcile, percolated, indispose

a tutti frutti eat in your car kind of day.

With summer gone past so fast, it's catching up to me now how we only have four months left till the close of 2012. I feel as though I'm always counting. Counting til, down, money, days, dates, times, hours, calories, meals, tickets, and years.

You ever feel surrounded but feel incredibly alone? We live with 6.7 billion people, 3 million alone in orange county, 30 something coworkers, 6 friendship and even 1 relationship and you still manage to feel alone on a Friday night. I am 22 still right?

Only relieve came from looking up and seeing clouds today, that and eating a tub of tutti frutti in the car, oh and a much grateful phone conversation.

Just one of those days. Hope tomorrow's better.

That's the thing about a moment sometimes you can be a little too late.

http://youtu.be/lqSKVv6YO8g

Itches

Refresh. Focus. Independence.

Let's not forget.

I'm tired of being tired

I can't go to sleep. After staying up until a certain time by myself I don't want to go to sleep. I hate it. I feel exhausted the next day. But I'm uncomfortable turning in at this point. I'm tired.

not so wasted

After a looong time of just sitting around and not really paying attention to deadlines and the whole admissions process I gathered up some nerve as well as some energy to sit down and dedicate some time in researching schools.

It comes in waves. There are times I'm pretty hopeful that things will work out and though it may not be in my own timing, I feel a sense of peace. Then, of course there are other times, majority of the time where I am drowned in doubts, concerns and panic.

At least I did something today. Small steps is better than none right? Hopefully those steps are in the right directions.

I'm sorry I haven't called. There's no excuse, though that's what I seem to be using all the time now; excuses. I miss you terribly. I saw pictures of you guys and it reminded me of how much I missed out on everything there. Can we plan to see each other sometime soon?

All in yours

I leave it all in your hands. Out of my control and into yours. I completely surrender at the point of exhaustion, hopelessness, and defeat. I have nothing to lean on except on faith.

Decipher

Too many thoughts to organize, and a bit too tired to do so. Thought this, then that, didn't want to finalize anything so I thought I'd simply drown it out with some Paul Simon

When I was thirteen, I didn't have my first love, I went through puberty and rode an emotional roller coaster.

I came across my old journal that was on my desk squeezed in between a "singing in the rain" dvd and my speech book. Reading some of the entries were pretty funny. I apparently was an angry teen. One entry covers me dissatisfied with a haircut, which gave the perfect reason to take it out on paper, using vulgar language which I thought at the time made me so "bad-ass". Another one talked about how a hug from a guy gave me a "tingly" feeling. I LOL-ed on that one. But actually most of the entries covers a sad period of my life. A period of self-identity, confusion, frustrations, contemplation, questioning the meaning of life, and ultimately diving into a deep time of isolation. Reading it was pretty depressing after a while, that at the age of thirteen, I was too serious and too sad.

I think a simple goal in life that I have is to be happy. Though there is suffering around us, frustrations amongst us, and doubts drowning us, we're not just treading water. I think God would want us to be that way too. We spend too much time burden by the weight of worry, regrets, and the "what ifs". After all, consumers have contributed to the billion dollar industry in drugs to make them happy haven't they? Why is something so simple as happiness been muddled in our lives? Why are we depressed, consumed in anxiety, and dissatisfaction? What happened to our free-spirited beings? Haven't we been called to freedom in Christ?

This led me to think about my own happiness. Am I happy? Have I brought others around me happiness? I worry too much, have too many insecurities, and made one to many comparisons to be.

Last Sunday's sermon comes into mind.

Unless you change to become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven -Matthew 18:3.

Children are so innocent in such a powerful, encouraging way. What happened to that fervor? Too many times have I wished to be back on the lawn running through the sprinklers in my one piece neon swimsuit, thinking only about how much longer I'd be allowed to be outside before it was time for dinner. A time where I didn't care about how my swimsuit looked, or how I looked in it. A time where waterproof mascara didn't exist, and relationships were smaller and much more intimate. I want to try to live like a child again. Where I am free from the burdens of this world because there's much more to life than that.

I need it to be just me for now. It's been swell, but I think the time has come for us to move on.

It comes in waves