Month marker

I don't know what came over me..(probably the fact that I'm on break), but I opened up the email and read it again. I know I shouldn't have, but it happened. It was short and concise, with little affect, and just tied with a sloppy-thrown-together-generic-polite end.

It's been a month now, and I'm positive you're doing just fine. I wonder if you got my letter and that it's probably in the bottom of a trash can. Maybe read; maybe crumpled; mostly likely unopened. All I can say is that, I've done what I can to make peace with it from my end. What becomes of that letter once it's out of of my hands, is no longer in my control...(though I so want it to be)

I have a week's break before starting up again on Monday. I guess the week's coming to an end. I said I would organize and sort things out. I guess I've sort of done pieces of it, but they're all just laying out like the barbie dolls I played with; all disfigured and contorted, and it's an unpleasant site.

This is what I've come to peace with for now (geometry practiced at it's best, I knew those proofs would come in handy someday.): If God can bring someone like you in my life, something that came out of left field, something that was this amazing journey, someone who felt for me that way....then I have no choice but to trust Him that He can do it again; better.

I look at my life right now and my past and sure, there are a lot of things that have happened in my past 24 years...a lot, but I am grateful. I'm grateful to know that I have received grace for everything that I didn't deserve in this life, even life in itself to be here. I know I have a purpose, not just a calling to have a title, or to impact lives, but that I know that God will bless me: my heart, my brokenness, me. Not just in the areas around me, but that He will bless me and in that I feel so loved. I feel so secure to know that I have someone who will never get tired of me pushing Him a way, of getting angry and telling Him what to do or how He should fix this, of how many times I tell Him he's wrong and I'm right, of feeling insecure myself. I feel so loved to know that He will never give up on me no matter how many times I walk away or say that I'm done with this relationship, despite the countless times I tell Him he's late and not on time, regardless of the times I express my doubt that He's not affirming me, I feel loved to know that He will continue to pursue and fight for me. I am satisfied to know He will provide unconditional love even when I ignore Him and challenge Him, even though I raise my voice at Him and call him regretted names. Because I know in my heart He loves me. I know He won't give up on me. I know that He will pull through for me. I know that He will never leave me with an email because He will never leave. He is always there.

I think this is why we seek these characteristics in relationships, because He is all a girl wants. Afterall, all we ever really want is someone like her dad.

So, I'm sorry I thought you were Him, because you're not. He's the only one that can satisfy me and give me the kind of security I am looking for. I must have gotten confused and thought for some reason you were Him. I know you tired hard because I kept asking that you became Him, but you're not Him. But I know now...and I'm sorry I sought this in you. I'm looking for someone He's called for me, and I'm sorry that that wasn't you.