The smiles, the smiles...

Hello internet world anybody out there? Good. Now to journal..

Today was particularly more difficult. It's been a week now and this time alone is doing me no good. I just have a hard time making sense of everything that's happened. I can't help but keep remembering the time spent together. The sand, the stars, the blisters, the melted cake, the smiles, the smiles... And I sit here and wonder if you're doing the same.

How are you keeping it together? How do you hold yourself up? How are you keeping yourself restrained? For me it's an hourly battle. I had accidentally called you the other day. Of course it went to voicemail as it would. But a part of me hoped that you'd call back. Of course you didn't as you would.

I keep thinking about times I went through with you, the empty house, the naps, the movie in a barren room, the smiles, the smiles..

I'm trying not to think about the future. The times I thought you were going to be there to see me through school through my tests, through my birthday this year. I just can't. But I spend all my time thinking about the past, the past with all the memories and then I'm in the present but it's so empty. I feel numb, then I'm submerged into emotions. I say I can get through this and then I'm drowning. It's an hourly battle for me you see.

You seem to be doing great. Good for you. But in case you ever wondered about me you now know. I'm struggling. I'm kicking my legs frantically, I'm moving my arms as fast as I can, but I'm tired now.

I keep thinking about the memories made, the salad, the fall, the improv, the hands, the dance, the tears, the tears...

I'm praying everyday you know. I can't get through the hour without grasping dearly onto Him. I hope you're doing okay. It seems like it anyway. How did I get here I keep asking myself you know? I'm suppose to be the strong one. I'm not suppose to be here. I'm so hurt. I'm so broken. But it seems like your put together just fine. I just keep thinking about the kiss... the kisses..