Waste

It's so strange and familiar; this feeling. The feeling of being busy, consumed with work and meeting friends, going to events, and planning for others. The feeling of a "good" tired because you were productive and the feeling of worthiness because you made someone else's day. But at some time you sit down and catch up with yourself. You begin to reflect and evaluate. You come to the conclusion that everything was meaningless. You feel empty.

You've done so much, but you haven't moved from where you were last time. You've caught up with people telling them what you've been doing, how things are going and what things you're getting ready for. You've update some, briefly, on how things at home have improved, how the relationship with your ex is finally reaching its closure, how the passing of your mom has been more of a healing process, and how your addictions are slowly attenuating. You're driving home or you simple at home and the conversations throughout the day play in your mind. You begin to examine how effective your tone of voice, the muscles in your face, the placing of your arms added to the exaggerations. When you're alone you know the realities of the situation at home, you remember the heart wrenching hour long conversation with your ex, the next morning you wake up crying and calling out for mom, only to turn to your addictions at the end of the day.

Where is the way out in all of this?

If only there was a way where you come home feeling exhausted and content with the things you've done, without really realizing what it is you have done. In essence, allowing yourself to believe yourself through the exaggerations; becoming one with the mask.

I want the world to stop, but it doesn't. It will go on and on regardless of whether you failed an exam, or broke up with your girlfriend, or find out your brother is terminal, or whether you die. The world has no mercy. It will continue with or without you and yet we spend so much time if not all of our lives sacrificing for it and the social structures generations before us have placed.


So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

His name is...

This is an excuse for taking a break from studying for my ludicrous exam tomorrow.

My feelings are still mixed and I haven't had time to process it yet although it's been since morning. I keep thinking about whether I did the right thing, whether I did it out of self-gratification, or pity. I thought about what he might have thought about what was given to him and who it was given by. What did it mean that shortly after, it was no use for him?

I've seen him for weeks now and I finally worked up the courage, but I can't help but to think whether it was just me, or did God really have a hand in it? I could barely meet his eyes as he was thanking me and I quickly turned to head back. I thought about this day many times; playing it over and over again. I knew what I wanted to say and what I wanted to ask, but in the moment all I could do was a swift silent motion, a meek smile and a unnoticeable nod.

Will he remember me tomorrow?

Do I Dare?

What does it mean to push on and endure? How does it look to go beyond all of this and do the impossible? What can be done through inspiration and motivation? Where can this all lead?

This week has been filled with catching up with people. I met up with an elementary friend I hadn't seen in over 5 years. I saw my coworker after she had lost her sister. I caught up with a roommate and had dinner with another. This is what is important.

I feel uneasy and at the edge of my seat this evening. Something is coming.

Where is home?

I get lost answering the question of what is my identity.

It seems like the world has moved on and beyond me and I feel like I've grown, but not with it. How is it that I can blend in and incorporate myself again?

I always liked moving. Of course, it was a pain to pack and say goodbyes and adjust to new routines, but in general I liked the change of scenery and the idea of a fresh start: choosing how and who you wanted to be in a new setting. It has definitely attributed to the knowledge and outlook I have now. I guess in a way though, it has taken it's toil. At first it was great to know people from different places (a great way to crash when visiting). It was nice to take breaks when you could to visit them and step away from the current routine. Slowly after a couple of years, you lose touch and talking about purposeful visits become awkward. Eventually it leads to letting them know you're in town for something else.

You can say the same about growing. Growing like moving takes you to new places and blank canvas. There you begin to paint the picture of yourself and create the image you will most likely be until it is time for you to move on.

After doing this several times, I landed here; confused. I am this and sort of this, I could be that and wish I was more of this. I am this, but not this. I have learned to like that and contradict this. I adapted to you and have lost myself.

Sometimes I wish I had stayed in one spot, in the same scenery, with the same people, talking about memories built upon over the years.

I have chosen the path that I am on now and know where this will all lead. I must find a way to find happiness in it.

Much to do for this week, but little time. I guess when you're up this late you find time for things.

It's all but a number

In the end, it's all just but a number.

The age you are is a number, but says nothing about the memories.

The year it is can mark a decade, but says nothing about the accomplishments.

The paycheck you receive bi-weekly can have commas, but doesn't say anything about the amount of work it required.

The miles on your car is a string of jumbled numbers, but doesn't say anything about where you've gone and what you did there.

The number of clothes you have can lose count, but it's easy to record how many new items you just bought.

The address that marks your house has 5 numbers, but says nothing about how many people have walked in and out.

The number of crayons is usually counted in colors, but it forgets the infinite pictures that can be drawn.

The pack of white paper for your printer comes in an even number, but says nothing about the odd hours into the night you stayed up to write assignments.

The fingers we have are symmetric, but says little about the uneven things we've held and the opposing lives we've touched.

The tissues in boxes overlap each other, but doesn't say how many tears have been shed over the same issue.

The money deposited into your bank account instantaneously is an intangible number on the screen, but something so tangible for our needs.

At the end, it's nothing but lines and curves and small dots with tails.

We are young, heartache to heartache, We stand

The weekend just flew. Things begin to blur together, but now it's back to the Mondays and looking forward to the Fridays. I felt so full from the last past couple of days. Days spent with some good, uplifting people and memories that are now written. Last week was good too. It's been a while since I got to see him. He looked well. I love him. Thank you.

Mmm, starting out in the right foot for this week...except for that speech tomorrow.. oh bug bites.

Things to be noted:
-Santa Maria
-Split lips
-Senor Big Ed (aka Senor EdLargo)
-I scratch your back you scratch mine
-Kisses with DH
-Predestination

-Yahoo Personals
-Patience and Self-confidence; Respect
-Helicopters
-Answer the Call

-Jamba Bugs

Can you open windows for me? I see none in this barren room.

I'm having a hard time

Putting things into words. Expressing my emotions. Showing vulnerability. Giving up and giving in. Sleeping. Being still and alone. Letting you in. Understanding. Figuring it out. Knowing. Justifying.

With time management. Letting go. Grasping reality. Waking up. Staying firm and strong. Holding back. Moving forward. Forgetting. Staying focused.

Seeing your point. Being motivated and disciplined. Trusting you. Showing honesty. Learning. Lifting others. Being encouraged and patient.

Good Morning

This is really going to screw up my pattern for the weekend.

Sometimes I would like to ask myself where I'm going in all of this. It's all so short and yet so easy to eradicate the things in our lives we've come to believe as "waste". What's a waste in your life? Is it the mere acquaintances? Devotionals or countless hours flipping through channels? Legislation or reforms? Absence of deeds? Self-consumerism? Pointless conversations? Endless lectures spent sleeping?

The idea of value is dependent on the individual, I guess there is no standard.

On the list:

-puzzle

-quote project

-REM

-documentation

-organization

-growth

-reality

Excuse me

Excuse me for being so selfish. I realize that the world doesn't revolve around me, not that many people read these posts anyway.

Today marks the first completed week of Lent. Rides without music is something that I can get used to. It makes me see things, things I haven't noticed before. It makes me think of things, things that I have avoided for a long time.

Yesterday was hard. I got down on my knees and prayed. I haven't done that in a long time. I talked to Him about how little faith I had. I know that He is able to do great thing, miraculous things. I know He exists and I can only imagine the magnitude of his power, but I have so little faith. I have so little faith for myself, in that all those things can and are able to happen to me. I have lost faith, so what am I holding onto? The possibility of it; hope. I know who He is and I know what he is capable of. I've heard things and read things. I've been told about what He is able to do, so I want to wait it out. I don't know if you can call that faith, but I can't say that it is. I also talked to Him about how helpless I am. I feel so helpless these days. I feel like there's nothing I can do for what's going here and out there. I told Him.

I want to see your glory. I've seen you work through others and now I want you to work through me. I see that you have placed things and people in my life. I don't know what to do, or how to handle it. I have no directions and I ask for your guide. I know that with my own will and power I can not accomplish anything, but through you and your strength I am able. For this season I want to be overwhelmed by your love. I want to be consumed by your passion and I want you to mold me into something durable. I surrender all of it. Show me what to do next. I have opened my eyes and have seen, so what do I do now? What can I do?

Creeper

Today I spent majority of the time looking at this screen. Grandma came over today and we swept the leaves in the front yard together and she slipped me some money. We took a polaroid to capture the nice day. Mum asked why I'm so awkward around him, and I said because we didn't have much to talk about.

I want human interactions sometimes. I want to plop down and tell someone my life story. It was like that back in the day. Kids don't care who you are, if you lend a ear they'll tell you everything. I guess I ain't no kid anymore. I sit here sometimes and think about things. I cry when I think about some things sometimes. I cry because I am helpless and it's the only thing I can do. I am desperate and longing. I know I don't walk this earth alone, but sometimes it sure feels that way.

It's sad that we all drift apart someday. Eventually people will become memories; eventually becoming disconnected from reality. It's all sad.

My eyes hurt because I have too much time.

How come you don't call? When I talk to you I want to tell you everything. I try really hard to keep the quivers in my voice steady. It's hard to tell you everything. I hope you don't think I call only when I need something. I want to think that the reason you don't is because you have too much to say, but nothing to tell me. I am going to believe it is because you love me too much, and not too little. I am going to believe that even though there is no exchange of words, we both understand each other. I want to believe that you're hurting too. Because I can't possibly think it is because you have forgotten me. I want you to know that I see you in a different light. I want you to know that I see truth in your words. I love you and I hope you are doing well, wherever you are. I would like to hear from you soon.

Through the Simple Things

It's hard giving up music for lent. I have to stop myself several times throughout the day; especially when getting in the car. It's an instinct to press the power button on the radio and I caught myself putting on earphones to the ipod walking to school today. I have to admit this is the first year that I've considered participating in lent and actually giving something up. It's really humbling. The silence is sometimes awkward. The voices in my head get louder.

Two people have been in the same circle for a while and neither one of them took a particular interest in the other, but never pushed the idea away (much like most of the relationships we have). So years go by and they remain platonic, but one beings to develop feelings for the other. They begin a relationship.

When someone grows on you, can you call it love? How come that initial attraction wasn't there before? Do you need an initial attraction? Why did that one all of the sudden develop feelings for the other one? What changed?... Can we change?


I love spaghetti, I will eat it forever. You never fail.

What is this?!

Leave me alone.

Word of the Day

Enthusiast. Enthusiastic, Enthusiasm.

In all its form was heard today. The word kept appearing from my morning class to just an article I read. I wiki-ed it and it said that enthusiasm originally meant someone possessed by God; divine possession. I continued to read the entry and thought it was interesting to quote

"Some who fall into this modern definition of "enthusiasts" are adventurous, constantly busy with many activities with all the energy and enthusiasm of the Puer Aeternus (Peter Pan Complex). At their best they grab life for its different joys and wonders and truly live in the moment but, at their worst, they dash trepidatiously from one new endeavor to another, too scared of disappointment to actually enjoy themselves. Enthusiasts fear being incapable to provide for themselves or to experience life fully."

I see the signs of trouble already. The small arguments, pent up frustrations, built up anger, suppressed emotions, the release of anger through shouting words and slamming doors..all leading up to an explosion. It's so dangerous, and yet so familiar.

What are you trying to tell me through this word today? How can I be an enthusiast right now?

I Come With a Warning Label

Music feels really good right now.

I'm not one to live in the past, but I often think about it. I think about missed connections and what-ifs. I think about the could-of-beens and how situations could be different if I made different decisions. Today's entry will be about the missed connections. As I'm continuing life beyond college, it is the reality that I will lose touch with most. It's happened when I moved elementary schools, and when I went to junior high and when I then later went to high school. But I think about them time to time and wonder where they are now and how life could have been different on my part if I kept up with them.

I wonder where you are now, doing what, meeting who, and what you've overcome. I wish I could hear your stories. I hope our paths cross again someday.

I'm packing it all up

I don't mind the rain. I'm sad to see it go so soon. Classes started. Here we go another 16 weeks. I have a sick churning knot in my stomach. It's not going away.

I know your name and what you represent, but I hardly know you. We've come all this way, and I have yet to know what you like. All I know is that you want to be an author someday. This makes me incredibly sad, and distant. Although our relationship is something that can't be separated. We hang on through sporadic phone calls and murky memories. I want you to be a part of my life forever. Please be there.

Our Hopes and Expectations

I get anxious a lot. It probably comes from over thinking. I woke up anxious, wanting to be unconscious again.

Lately, I seem to be having third person's perspective. When I'm conversing or with others, I have almost an out-of-body experience. It's a feeling of disconnect. I know what I'm saying and I'm paying attention, but I'm not there.

People know you, but they don't. They know how much you want them to know and at maximum they know what you know. I don't know much.

I want you to know. I want you to know everything. I wish I could explain to you who I am and where I'm at, but I can't. I can't form the words and when I open my mouth, it's merely to take a breath. I want to show you. I want to be comfortable around you to show you. I wish we didn't feel pressured to talk, but know enough of each other to understand our silence. I want to be real. I'm bored of using the same line. I wish we could talk about the elephant. I wish we didn't waste our time. I wish I knew you. I want you to see me.

Sitting here, missing a lung

I have magical powers.

Tricked

First impressions are pretty significant. How one presents him/herself sets the tone for how the other party perceives you. Humans are tricky. We can have a great first impression and the more someone learns about you, they realize how that initial contact might have been skewed.

I've learned to not have expectations for people. It's a calling for disappoint and failure. It's better to just take things as they are and to not figure someone out.

In the end, I can only blame myself.

It's all so tricky. I can't live without and I can't live with.

Happy new years. A friend brought a good point. New years is just another day. It's another date and it's really nothing special. New years happen all the time: birthdays, anniversaries, back to schools. It's simply another year to count. It's not like you wake up on New years and your problems are gone nor do you start off with a new slate. Another year means, another year gone, another one starting. It means time is running out. It means crap I'm this old. It means shoot what have I done so far. It means crap I don't know what to do next year.

A year is a blur, and at the end of it you only remember 'important' occasions: graduation, trip to vegas, when you broke your arm, when your aunt got diagnosed with cancer, and maybe you're GPA for the last quarter. Another year past means those memories become consolidated and stored in the 2009 filing cabinet. Another year gone means it's time to move forward.

Out of Place

I was asked a question that caught me off guard the other day. Someone asked me what my passion was. I was expecting the usual "what are you doing now?", "what was your major","do you want the pepperoni slice?" and then the question came out of nowhere. I fumbled for a bit and then quickly opened the files in my head looking for the word "passion" and anything related to it, similar to how you search for a word on a document pressing ctrl + F; except brains don't have keyboards. They have files with memories and thoughts and knowledge, but no keyboard; it's a flawed system really.

Anyway, because the question came as a surprise and I didn't have an answer off hand, I simply asked what he meant by passion. "Something you can't live without" was the response and I thought about it for a moment and still nothing came to mind. He probably thought I was lame or broken. He eventually answered for himself seeing that I didn't really have anything to say.

I thought about it throughout the night and this is what I have so far. I can't live without food (literally), and my faith, but besides that I couldn't think I anything else I could live without. What does this mean? I have no passion for anything else? What am I suppose to do with the rest of my 50 years?

So the topic of relationship is something that's been coming up fairly often. I guess it's because now that I'm out of college, it seems somewhat more urgent and the realization of "where are we going to find that 'one'?" is on our minds constantly. I for one am content with where I am now. Yes, I definitely have ups and downs and this too has a cycle, but right now I'm okay. I don't feel urgent, nor do I feel the need to be on the look out for the "potential." Now, this is something that to third person would seem normal, and I too thought so for a while. However, knowing my sick, twisted mind, a question came up: "Wait, are you really alright? Or are you just saying that to defend the fact that you're hopeless?" I've fooled myself so many times, I can't even differentiate anymore. This is sad. But truly, I do not know. All I know is this feeling.

I'm sure a deeper part of me is thinking the latter, and it's quite possible that I am lying to myself and that I should indeed be worried. I see it as a lost cause and the results are something I've accepted. I think also the fact that there's so many other things on my mind that this problem virtually doesn't exist.

I don't do new years resolutions anymore. For me, it's a list of not fulfilled expectations and failed promises. And by the end of the year I'm disappointed. Maybe it's because the list is so long and unattainable. All I want for the new year is to be better than this one. I want to be in a different place next year. I want to have gained and grown. I want change. I want to be better.

I see already many changes coming in the next year.


There are somethings that I can't even express, but you know. I don't know how to form words about what I am experiencing but you know. I hear you call to seek you. I know that you're near and all it takes is for me to reach out. I have fear. I have pain. I have anger. I ask that you may bring peace. I ask for stability and warmth. Through this may I be changed and have others around witness my transformation.

What I learned today, more like relearned

It's good that throughout life we get reminders time to time. When we're too cocky, someone points out that you're wrong, or better yet your flaw. When we're rich and then we lose our job. When finally it seems like life's put together and it crumbles again. When you're complaining about eating dinner with someone, and knowing someone out there is eating by themselves or rather not eating at all. When you think you know a lot, but in the topic of death, religion, and politics you draw a blank. When we think our situation is the shit, and your friend tells you that he's an illegal immigrant and can't get a job (not because of the current economy which is your excuse). When you have a "YES!', but a soon "oh.." moment. When we have the reality check, or a wake up call or whatever it is you call it.

I relearned that I know so little, mostly about people. I recognized how quick I am to judge. I realized how fast I can stink, when I'm not fighting to keep above waters. I see how small I am.