Out of Place

I was asked a question that caught me off guard the other day. Someone asked me what my passion was. I was expecting the usual "what are you doing now?", "what was your major","do you want the pepperoni slice?" and then the question came out of nowhere. I fumbled for a bit and then quickly opened the files in my head looking for the word "passion" and anything related to it, similar to how you search for a word on a document pressing ctrl + F; except brains don't have keyboards. They have files with memories and thoughts and knowledge, but no keyboard; it's a flawed system really.

Anyway, because the question came as a surprise and I didn't have an answer off hand, I simply asked what he meant by passion. "Something you can't live without" was the response and I thought about it for a moment and still nothing came to mind. He probably thought I was lame or broken. He eventually answered for himself seeing that I didn't really have anything to say.

I thought about it throughout the night and this is what I have so far. I can't live without food (literally), and my faith, but besides that I couldn't think I anything else I could live without. What does this mean? I have no passion for anything else? What am I suppose to do with the rest of my 50 years?

So the topic of relationship is something that's been coming up fairly often. I guess it's because now that I'm out of college, it seems somewhat more urgent and the realization of "where are we going to find that 'one'?" is on our minds constantly. I for one am content with where I am now. Yes, I definitely have ups and downs and this too has a cycle, but right now I'm okay. I don't feel urgent, nor do I feel the need to be on the look out for the "potential." Now, this is something that to third person would seem normal, and I too thought so for a while. However, knowing my sick, twisted mind, a question came up: "Wait, are you really alright? Or are you just saying that to defend the fact that you're hopeless?" I've fooled myself so many times, I can't even differentiate anymore. This is sad. But truly, I do not know. All I know is this feeling.

I'm sure a deeper part of me is thinking the latter, and it's quite possible that I am lying to myself and that I should indeed be worried. I see it as a lost cause and the results are something I've accepted. I think also the fact that there's so many other things on my mind that this problem virtually doesn't exist.

I don't do new years resolutions anymore. For me, it's a list of not fulfilled expectations and failed promises. And by the end of the year I'm disappointed. Maybe it's because the list is so long and unattainable. All I want for the new year is to be better than this one. I want to be in a different place next year. I want to have gained and grown. I want change. I want to be better.

I see already many changes coming in the next year.


There are somethings that I can't even express, but you know. I don't know how to form words about what I am experiencing but you know. I hear you call to seek you. I know that you're near and all it takes is for me to reach out. I have fear. I have pain. I have anger. I ask that you may bring peace. I ask for stability and warmth. Through this may I be changed and have others around witness my transformation.