melt down

The earth cried today, so with it so did I.

Nothing brings you back to reality than a lecture.

Lately I've been hearing things that I don't want to hear, but is true.

It hit all at once.

I know what it is that I need to do, but I'm avoiding it because I want this moment to last a little longer.

Focus on the haves.

Don't panic, just calm down and figure it out, slowly.

It's not the end of the world, stop it.

I can do much better I swear. It's just I have a lot right now and the words come out unrefined and jagged. I wish you could understand my mind.

mute

I know I said I would turn in early today, but thoughts and emotions are so fleeting...I would like to remember that there was a moment where I thought about you and felt this way.

There are dips in my life where sometimes the independent wants to be dependent; the control yearns for the unpredictable; the predictable seeks faith; where the forgotten wants the memory; where the strong becomes ordinary and the lonely needs the someone.

It's the sighing superhero shedding his armor when he retreats back to his chamber; it's the father coming home and taking off his shoes to rub his sore feet.

I would have liked you here today by me, in silence, just your presence. I wanted to go back to when our rendezvous didn't require a dinner for conversation. I wanted it to be simple today, without an agenda. I thought about how nice it would have been to just go for a walk hand in hand and talk; or not. I could have talked, like I always do, but this time it would have been different because you would have been there to just listen. I would have sat down and picked at the grass like I always do, but it wouldn't have been the same today for I would have leaned on your shoulder as I was doing it. I would have made random comments and ramblings of my mind and contemplations of the world like I always do, but it would have been different today because you would have been present to listen to it all. You could be mute for all I care, I just missed you today. You're missing out on what I have to say, and I can't promise that it will all be there when we see each other again.

he didn't remember

You forgot. You forgot and this makes me sad. I'm going to say you forgot rather than you didn't remember because if you didn't remember than you've forgotten about me. This would be despair.

"I love to sleep. Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious at the same time."

Water Brings Diamonds to Grass

Too Proud

Rather stand against the wall and hope no one sees me. I don't want to be touched, hurt, bothered. Everybody but me.

I'm feeling a bit bummed out.

It's hard to comprehend why things didn't happen the way it did.

You knew I needed it and it wasn't delivered. I can't see what it is You're doing often times. I can't help but ask the question "why?".

Now things are in the air, and I don't know where it is I'm going. I'm feeling insecure and like being in a foreign country without map, beginning to get lost.

So what is it then? What now? Where do I go?

In hindsight we try to see whether we did everything we could in our power to make it happen; to have no regrets. We want to believe we did.

I did try.

Sometimes we look for any signs, slivers of hope, and can often make the mistake of trying to make a connection between the occurrences. We want to believe it wasn't just a coincidence.

I thought it was. You woke me up just in time. I even asked you last night if I did wake up in time, I would go.

Then, we become crazy. Even though things didn't turn out the way it did, and in the midst of feeling confused, lost, and frustrated we get another emotion. Right before we see the pieces crumbling a pebble comes to stabilize the wobbling structure. It's not a complete solution, and it's not quite a brick, but at least we've found a way to keep it from completely toppling over. We begin to feel that things will work out and it's not the end-of-the-world. We may do this to rationalize what just happened. We do this to keep our sanity. What a contradiction.

I know I didn't get it this time, but there's always next time. I know it would have been ideal for me to get it now, but it seems like you have other plans. For some odd reason or another, I feel that it will be okay. It's like I fell and was about to cry, but someone gave me a candy bar instead. At least I have this notion.

Trust in the Lord will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Whether I believe this or not, I'm going to. I need to.

last minute.

a part of me doesn't want to deal with it, so i'm pushing it off, but i know this will come to haunt me and i will regret it.. it's like ignoring the dentist when you have a cavity and when you finally go in you now have to get a root canal.

i need motivation.

It goes on

Summer is winding down. I'm suddenly feeling that I didn't really have one, so now I want to cram things in before school starts up again.

stay up where it's careless and free until we get back down to earth

Relief

Today started out fairly well, and the day only got better. I woke up today and just felt gratitude. I felt thankful for everything despite what I didn't have, and my current situation. I went to service today and two words stuck: "be faithful". I took a trip to the beach and drove down PCH and enjoyed the view. I stopped to take some pictures here and there. I read my book for an hour in the sand and heard people talk about the view. I saw people relaxed and with family. I saw smiles and I heard tears. I met up with some friends I hadn't seen since the beginning of summer and drove home listening to some jazz. I thanked God that I was able to have a day like today. I love how God gives us breaks time to time; allowing the Spirit to uplift us and be joyful even in times of suffering and pain.

I don't know

I don't know how. I don't know when. I don't know what. I don't know who and I don't know where.

All I know is not here, not them, not me, not that, not this, not now, not later, and not this way.

It's so much easier to leave than stay, to forget than remember, to listen than speak, to nod than to say no, to be kind than angry, to show nothing, but feel everything.

I wish you could be stronger. I wish you knew your strength. I wish you knew how to make it on your own instead. I wish you knew that it's different nowadays. I wish you can do what you want to, without asking permission to. I wish you could be free. I wish you realized what power you possess. I wish you knew.

So what happens now? I can't help but become anxious about it all over again. Why can't I not be part of this anymore?

oh how fickle is the human heart

How did it become August already? I remember doing things here and there for the month of July, but altogether it was a blur.

This summer's been a little different; much different from the summer spent as a recent graduate, adjusting to moving back home and continuing life outside of being a student. This summer has been somewhat direction-less.

How quickly can emotions go from one end to the opposite side. How easy can one voice change your mood. How instant can a smile turn into a frown. How possible a chord can strike you in the right place.

The downfall of communication in our generation lies in our reliance on intangible avenues of expressing our facial expressions, body language, tone and pitch of an individual.

I hope you know that sometimes I don't understand you. I can read what it is you're saying, but the messages seem to have lost a certain characteristic in what it was trying to convey. In this, I draw my own conclusions and sometimes find myself offended. Hopefully the efforts you're putting in, is worth as much as I am understanding.

On this particular friday night.

I stayed in and went for a walk.

I came across drawn windows and peeked in. I saw the flickering lights reflecting off bedroom walls. I saw pictures of families and drawings of siblings hanging in the living room. I saw a bookshelf filled with books like a library up against a dinner table. I heard crickets and saw snails. I saw the trickling of water in the gutter as the sprinklers shut off. I caught whiffs of fat drippings roasting on charcoal. I heard sound of the freeway across the street.

I walked in the middle of the road and looked up and I saw the moon. I looked down and saw my shadow casted from the streetlight.

I began to think about people.

I thought about you and what we talked about. I lifted up a short

prayer for what it was you were dealing with when we last talked.

I let my mind wander and everything went through my mind. Then I sat down on a curb and closed my eyes and let the music drown everything out. I opened my eyes again and saw the moon.

It was the first time in a long time, I felt at peace standing still while the world moved.

It's been confusing lately. Everything. So much impending and imminent. Today was good.

I am speechless and completely exhausted. It's all so unfair. I don't get it.

I wish it was all a bad dream, waking up this morning it almost felt like it.

I blew up.

That was unnecessary and inappropriate of me. I'm sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me and taking it out on you. I try to be an example, but sometimes it's hard that I have to constantly remind myself. To be honest it felt good though. At least I had an emotion today. I think it's okay to open the cap a little and let the gases escape, because sometimes the whole thing can explode. I'm sorry.

Giving in

I would like to say that I have control over my life. Control of what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, where I'm going. Control of how I should interpret the day; control of this, but I don't. I'm far from having control. Things happen, are happening, have happened in my life that I have completely no control over. I know this, but why can I not let go?

I want to continue down this path and although I don't have the next bend figured out, I want to lay down the next paved segment of the road. I want to have it arranged the way I want it to; how I think it should be. If I want change, then I want to be the one who determines it.

I've been so far from Him lately, even though in this season it seems that I have all the more time to spend. Ordinarily, I would care about this, or have some emotion for it: guilt. Currently, I do not. I feel apathetic and detached. I feel as if I see myself as a third person, similar to watching a movie emptily.

I can't save you if you don't let me

You just get me like I've never been gotten before..

All things go

This month has been filled with a lot of emotions, and getting to form words about it has been direction-less hence the absence.

Not that I have any down today. But I realized that I am loosing count of days and what I have been doing and the events of my life that should be recorded, which was the purpose of this anyway.

But now that I am here, my mind has gone blank. This is bad.

Well I'll start off with today. I ran errands with my grandma and my uncle today. She made omurice and then we went to Walmart. On the way there, my grandma started rambling (I guess it's a sign of age) and she brought up things that I've been suppressing a lot. I wish I could do more for her. Yeah, I can do better; be better.

Tomorrow will be better. It'll get better; be better.

If the plane goes down, I'll remember

I can't believe it's half way through 2010.

This is an unexpected checkpoint.

6 months ago I moved and some of my things are still in boxes. There is also a pile of assortments that still need to be hung. This marks the year's anniversary of leaving the glories of college. And ultimately it means there's only another 6 months left before 2010 gets written in memory.

I can never forget the times we meet. It is something so fragile and raw. Thank you for reminding me again what it is all about; what I am all about. The grooves between your brows have gotten deeper and the once strong posture is beginning to diminish. I see that I'm running out of time. I am always running out of time.

Currently

Discomfort. it won't go away. Anxiety. i can't drown it out. Laughter. i can't contain it. Future. there is no control. Emotions. they just happen. Passion. it can't be ignored. Expectations. don't have any.

I don't like people coming in and leaving. They just come and teach you things and make you laugh and challenge you and create unforgettable memories and then they just one day just leave. Most of the time they leave and they don't come back. What a tease. Hmph.

Yesteryear

What a long week it's been and it's only half-way through. At this point my impending cumulative exam tomorrow is no longer phasing me.

How quickly a year passes by. Time is a paradox. The weeks may be long and the hours seem never ending, but one day you look at the calendar and realize how much time has elapsed.

Things were very different last year. I couldn't have imagine this is where I'd be a year from then. That's the thing about looking at the past it eventually leads to the possibilities of the future.

Let go

Just let it go. Move forward. It's time. Any more and it will be wasted. There will be better. Finished

drink up baby down

are you in or are you out

leave your things behind

'cause it's all going without you

excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy

these mishaps

you bubble wrap

when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, let go, jump in

oh well, whatcha waiting for

it's alright

'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

so let go, let go, jump in

it's amazing here