Used and Abused

I have a hard time turning down things. Usually if someone asks something of me, I'll do it. I didn't say no to that guy who sat down next to me at 3am. I didn't say no to being a full-time student, working part-time, and then some. I didn't say no to that time you wanted to eat there, but I wanted to eat here. I haven't said no to random conversations struck up by strangers. Does this make me a push over? I hope not.

Truth 1, I don't like depending on people, it makes me feel..ordinary? I guess human is what I'm looking for. I despise appearing weak in front of others and tend to come off strong to some. So, in the past I've pushed away those who have tried to crack this facade. I get defensive, and end with a "it doesn't matter they didn't matter much anyway." But this inevitably leads to isolation. You end up pushing those around you away, and those who have stayed only know so much about you. Am I complaining that this needs to change? Not really..

There's a balance. You need a little bit of desperation, vulnerability, dependency, sympathy, and want. Pretty much like everyone else. You can't survive with this "I can do it alone-I've got this-I can handle it-nobody understands me-leave me alone" image. Humans are meant to live among a community. We're not viable as independent scavengers like the Tasmanian devils who secrete awful, foul smelling fluids. We're NOT made for isolation. We NEED interaction, or else I think we'll eventually die.

Truth 2, I know it sounds selfish, but I have a pretty low self esteem. Pretty low, that I've accepted the fact that this isolation is something I may be able to survive. Because even though I show that I'm broken or share the same problems as the guy sitting next to me, I'm never enough. It's always gotta be "he's too good for you" and not the other way around. I have to work to deserve it and nothing can come to me for what it is, because I simply deserve it. I can't initiate, because in the back of my mind I'm thinking "that person's too busy to care about your silly things"

Truth 3, I have pride and lots of it. The "leave me alone" is really "no ask me what's wrong, stay, don't go", but I'll never allow it. I see that I'm losing and still I can't give in. I don't take the first step because I'm worried I don't matter, no I don't take it because I want you to need me and not the other way around. You fail, I don't. It's twisted, but I take pride in knowing that people can't figure me out. It's sick, it's really a disease.

Truth 4, I'm embarrassed. It's likely that someone out there understands; can relate. Nonetheless, I can't help feeling that I'm the only one going through it, and thinking it's the most embarrassing thing in the world.

Truth 5, it's all fear. I'm scared to let you in. What if they run off with it and prance around showing it to everyone. I can't trust you. I'm scared to deserve the best because I'll mess it up. The pride's the hard exterior of an egg, the fear is the viscous, gelatinous innards; and all is too fragile.

This all leaves me in a dilemma and I'm still figuring out how to solve these contradictions. I'm working on it.

As for all of this, I don't like being taken advantage of. I don't like it when you are too nice, because it's possible I'll fall for it. Let's draw lines and keep our boundaries. So I responded, and told you when I was leaving, even though many times you left me waiting.