Take a break

I've realized today how much I wish to do... I took a break from you and I took a break from this and I just let my mind wander elsewhere. I keep thinking is this it to life? To worry about the next chapter in my life as some kind of next step in a manufacturer's process? To think that my life consists of finishing school to get a job to get paid to find somebody to get married to have kids and then that's it? I know I'm missing a lot of things in between there..but really if you strip everything away is that what my life is suppose to be? So...cookie cutter? So...boxed? Generic? Bandwagon?

I realized I can't be two people. I can't be a person who's living the life in Southern California and be passionate about serving. Not that I can't, I just don't know how, if there is even a way...How do you deal leading what I feel like dual lives?

I think about how much I have..how much we have here in the US. I watched a TED video about this woman who was a North Korean refugee and the hardships she'd gone through to escape and then to go back for her family. When I listen to stories like that I feel as if I get snapped back to reality. Even you, you don't seem to matter...

It's the fear really. The fear to deviate from the bandwagon. Should I just do what everyone else is doing? What's expected of me? What I somewhat can figure out and know about the future? Or do I truly try living life without walls. Without regrets. With love. With grace. With every single reminder why I'm here? Do I explore? and travel? Do I forgo security?

This year I turn 25. Where did the time go? I feel as though so much time passed so quickly yet, what have I done? Yes, after college I freaked out about my life and what direction I was taking. Being a quarter centurion I feel as though there is a direction, but do I come to settle in it with a predictable way or begin  thinking about how I can do more?

Yes, I want to do more. I'm made for so much more. I'm not made to worry about who I'm meeting, how many kids I'm going to have and how many rooms the two story house with a fixed mortgage will have. I'm meant to worry about much more.

This whole marriage thing gets thrown in your face after you graduate college. Almost immediately. You go from feeling young and excited to tackle a career and then people around you get engaged, throw bridal showers, and get married. I admit that was the case for me and I freaked out. I started feeling that I should be worrying about this and began to think in this manner, almost consumed with who got engaged next. But I am nowhere near that commitment. Yes, the sense of security of finding a life partner and settling down to get started on that next chapter is very appealing. But I just don't know how. Coming from the family background I did it's a tremendous terror to make sure a huge commitment. "Getting married is no joke. This is like for real."

When I thought about this today, for  such a brief moment I didn't care for this anymore. It seems so trivial to be consumed lately about what could have been. It's helping me to move on; myself. I'm glad for you to be working for a city you love and to see your life there now..but in a way I'm glad this happened too, because then my life would have been there too and I don't think I would have been truly happy. I mean I don't know..I did think about you today as I laid. I used to stare at you while you slept, thinking about whether I could see us growing old together and I did. I really thought we were going to make it. But the fact that you probably never had that moment of me comforts me in a way. It comforts me because I know you were not the person for me. Because in the end I would want to be thought of the exact way I felt about you. I want to be felt the way I felt for you because it is what I deserve. So don't feel bad, because I'm glad you were able to turn me down. When you said you feel free, I know what you mean...because I feel free too. Free from prediction and free from commitment. It almost feels like a memory, you know? Like  none of it happened, but the past just feels good. A part of me shuns it out and another part is grasping for it as someone would with air and so holding onto nothing. Then at the end I don't know which was what and what was which and then it all just feels like a hazy memory..