Just as I think I'm cruising along

I keep self sabotaging as if I'm telling myself I need to constantly restrict myself from ever being at peace.

I get all angry, frustrated, insulted, then feel ultimately defeated. At this point, I can only blame myself.

God, I keep bringing myself back here. I feel so chained. I see that he has moved on and is free and yet I feel all caught up in a sticky web. I keep asking for rectitude and I have yet to witness any of it. Will if ever even come? There have been times I've had moments of peace and thought I was doing okay and then slip into my old ways. I give it up to you Lord, but have so little of faith. I have excepted that justice will never come to me and that I'll have to simply move on. What do I gain from it? Life is unfair. A lawyer will fight for the rest of his career seeking justice, but what good is that in the unfair life we've been dealt? People lose loved ones, become victims of deceit, partners backstab each other, people fall ill and how do you claim justice in any of those situations? You don't. What's the answer here then? To simply, just move on and say oh well? Gosh, I get so bitter when I think about that. I've been so programmed to live life based on merit, but turns out that in a second your merit can mean nothing. You can be the nicest, most loving, kindness, beautiful person in the world and still get cheated and lied to. How do I live in such an imperfect world? 

Why do bad things keep happening to me? No matter, how much I try my bestest to change my perspectives, in my deepest core I still ask that every question. Sigh.... 

My own way of dealing with all this is just to simply ask rhetorical questions and rant on this blog. All I can say is this, I live by the right way and try my best to not wrong people and hopefully I will be rewarded according to my deeds. But who's to say what you did was wrong? Maybe it was me all along, but something or rather someone tells me this isn't so. All I can say is that it is my hope that I will find resolution from this matter, whether it really is just time, but I truly hope for more. That's all I can do hope.