I just came back from running and stood at the sink with a dish in my hand and tears streaming down my face at war with the thoughts of hate on my mind and in my heart. I feel at constant conflict because I am told to live and think one way, but how difficult I find that to be. I want to hate and yell and be angry but know that it's wrong and fight with myself everyday because of it.
Let's face it, I don't have faith. I don't have the faith that my life will get better, that I'll meet someone, that finances will always be a burden, and I'll end up always surviving and never enjoying. As a response, I tell myself that I can do it alone, never say a word to anyone the whole day, and nothing in life is ever given, but instead worked and earned through your own blood, sweat, and tears. I say trust no one but yourself because people always fail, always be vigilant, and keep your boundaries. Time and time again, this has proven to be true.
This past week, I've struggled a lot in loving life and everything in it including myself. Thoughts of not being here crossed my mind and I felt apathetic. I saw a knife and the thought of it piercing skin crossed my mind. Is this not normal? Has anyone else been as curious? I guess just morbid thoughts. I want you to know that I'm not suicidal. I'd feel too guilty and in debt to take a life that isn't even mine. But life is extremely difficult to do it alone and I need confirmation that you're still there.
Life's a struggle for me and as much as I want to say I can change my perspective I can't change the facts. I'm just down today and nobody to rely on, but myself, on a wonderful Saturday night.
I know I shouldn't have done that, I only brought it upon myself and knew what was going to happen. I find it incredibility difficult to not hate you.
No comments:
Post a Comment