It's been a week now

Just checking in...gathering my thoughts still processing, but more conclusions.

It's been a week now and I never heard from you. In a way it's great the answers are clear. Your colors have shown. But in an awful way it's so hurtful. 

Why do we become this way? Do we mean to hurt people along the way? My thoughts are to say no. Because that's how I operate. I always am considering the other person's feelings, giving them space to talk or approach me, letting them know that I'm always available. Am I wrong for being this way?

Why do we avoid and hide?

Have you moved on so fast? Did I mean nothing? Are you even thinking of me? Is there someone else? No, I don't want to know. 

 All you can do is move on yourself. It's like you've both came across this town you're in and you know no one and you thought you were on this amazing adventure; a road trip! and now you gotta leave it and move in a direction hopefully that's forward, but also away from the only person you knew.

You go through these emotions of sad, and anger, and frustration, and disappointment and highs and lows and gloom and then a burst of energy to go running for 10 miles.

I've wanted to send rage emails or texts, but then quickly feel defeated.

What's hard here is that you end up losing this relationship; this friendship and company that you've had all this time and now you've gotta stop talking to them.

 It's killing me you know, you go from talking to me daily to not, but it's getting easier...sort of. 

Thank u, next.

There are many times in life you come across a situation you want to ignore, conversations you don't want to have, and/or people you want to avoid. But I will tell you this: nothing comes out of cowardice. In fact, you end up writhing in awkwardness, anger, and non-ending questions. It really eats you up.

So, today I went ahead and spoke my mind. It took 17 months for me to do that. I wish I could say that in that last post I really gave up and stood up and said enough was enough, but sadly it went on for 3 more months, but I'm human and I'm trying.

I had a very difficult conversation with you today. It was long overdue and I know I should tell myself that I was finally brave enough to do it, but right now I don't feel that way. I feel sad that I let it get this far, how much my emotions got involved, that whatever hope I had of your response changing is now forever gone. I keep thinking to myself that it was me, I wasn't enough to change your mind or the way you felt about me. I shouldn't let my mind wander there but it does. You tell me it's you. You can't commit and it's really shitty you say, but do you really? I wonder if your day was as preoccupied as mine. I have my doubts.

You taught me incredible patience. You drove me up the wall so many times and I acted "cool" because I didn't want to be dramatic. In the end I never got noticed for that, as if this was to be expected. I should have been cool about everything. All the days we went without talking, all the invites that got missed, all the times you let me walk myself out, the lack of care, empathy or interest. I was never a priority. You hardly ever asked me how I was doing, or took interest in anything I did. It was always a "cool" a "that's good" or a "thumbs emoji," and I tolerated all of that. I held my tongue on so many occasions you treated me this way.

I can count the times we went out for a meal together in the last 17 months. 2? comes to my mind but maybe 3? How fucking sad is that? And I took that shit. I tolerated that. My dumb crazy ass tolerated that, because I cared about you absurdly. For some unexplainable, senseless, stupid unknown reason I had these feelings for you.

I asked myself this: "do you want him to be your boyfriend?" and I struggle with that answer, which you might find surprising because you assume that's what I wanted from you. Why? You'd be the shittiest boyfriend. Texting me whenever it was convenient for you, never telling me your schedule, I'd be left out of events, tossed to the side. Who would want to be in relationship with someone like that?

I get so angry thinking about how shitty you treated me. Like it was abuse. I got used to you not caring about me and I stuck around like a dumb loyal dog. You treated me like nothing and I took you out to birthday dinners, and bought you Christmas gifts.

What I can't change is your mind. How could I possibly go on like this? Being with someone who would never be emotionally available to me? What I think about is how you say you can't commit and 3 months down the road you're in a relationship with someone else. Because that would be BS. But I can't control that. If it wasn't meant to be how could I possibly bend you into being unhappy with me for the rest of your life? No, I couldn't wish that on my worst enemy and you are far from that.

I hope you one day realize your lost though. How much potential I had. I hope you will always think of me as a great superb person that you didn't deserve. I hope you will forever wonder and wish the best for me. I hope to preoccupy your mind even for a little while.

So, back to square one I go. Just me doing this life. Telling myself that I'm good and I'll just focus on myself because that's all I can do, even though I don't believe it a lick of it right now. Just shoving empowering words down my throat, whether I believe it right now or not. Like, "it'll come when you least expect it, or in God's timing, or just do you girl."

Lord, just rid me of any desires of a relationship, marriage, or family. Just remove them from my heart. I don't want these desires anymore. I am disappointed every time and it is so discouraging. I just want to live my life, in your calling; serving people, in selfless love doing your work. I just don't want to be disappointed any longer. Just remove these desires.

Turning 30

hi there.

It's been a while. I've been meaning to come back to this, but in a way I guess it's a good sign that journaling on the blog wasn't a priority, hopefully it meant I kept busy with real friends ;)

I turn 30 in less than 3 days and I've got to say that this birthday has been daunting me since last year the day I turned 29 lol. It's a big number. It's a number when I was looking at it 10 years ago it felt...far away and imaginative and hopeful? Well 20 year old Lydia. You're 10 year plan is that you became an emergency room nurse, you have yet to go back to school, 9/10 of your friends are married and starting a a family, and you're still single. Gee, not quite what I had imagined, but I'm still so grateful. 

I think about how much I've gotten to do in the last 10 years and wow, I am so amazed. I graduated undergrad in 3 years. I put my self through 15 months of nursing school and everything leading up to that. I graduated and passed the NCLEX in one try at the 85th question and some cardiac ischemia after. I got a job the following month at a nursing home, quickly left that and got an acute job. Left the previous hospital as it was going bankrupt and came to what is now the 8th ranked national hospital working in their PCU unit and now have been in the ED for the past 2 years. I've also lost count of how many trips I've done. I've gone on 2 medical missions to Thailand. I've gone to probably 18 weddings by now, been in 3 and got a new dog in the last 10 years. 

I feel so fulfilled and blessed for my time on earth here. God has tremendously poured out his gifts, opened and closed doors for me in way that I can not deny him. 

This year I have to say I lost myself a little. I've done things that I'm not proud of and things that were out of my character. I've tested limits, lied more and became more jaded particularly more in my job. I went further away from God, because I knew what I was doing was wrong, and felt ashamed. I prayed the least and sought God very little this year. 

Something changed this week and what changed was me. I said enough and I finally stood up for myself. Because the thing of it is is that no one will care about you and love you as yourself. People will ALWAYS fail to meet your expectations. You know who you are and you know what you need. Aside from doing life with God, there will be no one who can fulfill you. This appears to be in despair, but what I'm trying to get at is that, your happiness, your fulfillment, your success, your loneliness, your accomplishments, your contentment will never be in any one. It will be in you, as you fight through this life. Nobody will fight your battles. 

So those excuses of waiting around for them to come to their senses, waiting around for another year to go by to go back to school, waiting another year at that job you actually dread, waiting another year for different opportunity. Those excuses? They will always be there, until you stand up to yourself and tell yourself that's enough. I am enough and I do not need to wait around for time to catch up to me. I do not need to wait for a man to show up at my door. I do not need him to grow up. I do not need him to realize me. I do not need to wait around for "good timing" because now, now when you've had that change of heart is when you rise up and you tell yourself that's enough. Enough is enough. I'm enough and I am ready. You will always be your biggest obstacle and critic, but also you will always be your biggest supporter.

I do not know what holds for me in the next 10 years. I hope to have a family in the next decade, but I know I have not been groomed for those responsibilities yet. I will have to trust in the Lord's timing for everything to fall into place as it always does. I am excited and afraid, I am nervous and ill-prepared, but I have the strength of the Lord and if he is with me then who can be against me?!

If you asked me 2 days ago I would have wanted to hit you and pound on your chest and screamed. I would have said some nasty things and things I probably would have regretted. It would have felt good then, but as short lived as those things are, I wouldn't have had contentment and peace. So today I am saying this: In all this I have myself most to blame, because I chose to be in a situation that was not fruitful to me. I was the one who said all the yeses and who was behind the wheel when I drove to your place. I was the one who continued to bend myself backwards, for someone who did as little as to lift his pinky for me. So I am the one to blame. However, I am not completely at fault. You are broken, and you allow yourself to continue to stay there. You live in hopelessness, not because there are not opportunities around you, but you choose to be there. It has been over 6 years. It is times to move on, yet you allow yourself to believe that you are inadequate of love. How foolish you are to tell yourself this till this day. You are loved and cherished and sought after. Never forget that. I will never be the one to change your mind in that. You can only do that for yourself. I couldn't keep giving and not get anything in returned. I kept filling your cup and my cup was left dry. I couldn't continue that way. The past year has been somewhat crazy. I did things that weren't of my character. I lied for you, about you, and from you. I was dishonest and for that I am sorry. You took a part of my life that I will never get back and that is time. You will always now be a part of me and my story through our times together and I will have come to peace with that one day. Today I am disappointed that this what it is. I deserve more, you must know that and I'm not asking that from entitlement or conceit, but seeing how little to none you gave me, I deserved better than that. I was never a priority and I don't think ever could have been to you. 14 months was enough. 

I am filled with regret that I lost so many opportunities to document through blogging these past couple of years. I write to you at the end of my 27th year and I find myself in transition. I've moved into the ED, had to get a new car, and find myself moving out to LA within the next week. I've had significant changes in friendships and relationships. I feel as though this is a a turning of a new chapter, but I'm honestly not all that quite excited. Maybe it is the feeling of not being able to share life with someone at this point in time. As I finish off my 27th year with one more month left let's leave it to faith to see what happens :)

Dead, but Alive

Life is paradoxical isn't it? I could write a whole post dedicated to a list of contradictory situations. But I won't because as creative as I'd liked to be I'm not. So this post will focus on what I mean to say by dead, but alive.

How can something be dead and living at the same time? I will explain.

Yesterday, marks a year. As I sat there/drove I thought how crazy a year goes by. So much as happened and so much can happen in a span of 12 months. But also, very little can change. One can waste a year. Have another year past yet again.

I will not be the latter.

I had someone who was very much alive. In doing so, we created memories of all kinds, talked for endless hours, visited all over, and allowed time to pass. We lived. Then one day that person died and I mourned and grieved; reminisced and held onto whatever I could. I found it exhausting and painful; haunting and confrontational.

I even once had a faint hope for a return. But how silly of me to think that, because once someone dies they die. They take no shape, and everything you created with them dies.

You are dead and I have taken the year to allow myself (a lot of times not) to grieve and yearn for you. But you have died and neither you nor I are here. Yet, you still live.

The world is merciless and continues on after death. People eventually forget about you. I hope that happens. I will continue on and live as will you. I will no longer grieve because you are of the past and I must move forward as its duty.

Life is a lot of things. It's hard and unfair and it's also controversial. Yet we continue to live despite it. Because life can also be beautiful and graceful and discernible. I look forward to experiencing life in this manner this year.


Word of advice that is simple, yet why do we have to be reminded of it all the time? Count your blessings. Be thankful. I am wonderfully blessed and have been given things beyond my imaginations. I also have other desires and needs, but I take this moment to not think about that, and rather focus on the how and the whys of the where and the who I am now. 

Why not today?

Do you ever tell yourself "tomorrow"? Some verbs that most commonly precede this adverb:

• do it
• start
• stop
• run
• go
• call him/her
• pray
• quit
• give
• clean

Or maybe you're too excessive. In that case:

• watch less
• diet
• spend less

We say tomorrow is a new day, today is a new day, but how often is it really not? It's really just the same day as yesterday. Maybe it's better to ask yourself  "Why not today?" instead. What's stopping you from doing it, starting it, doing less, forgetting it, and remembering it right now?

What's really holding you back?



They say the first year is hard because you're going through it for the first time. You're still learning the ropes, making mistakes, and it still is fresh. The next year is suppose to be easier and perhaps by the third and fourth year you've gotten in nearly perfect. Hear's the thing...you can rarely perfect anything. The closest thing to perfecting something is simply a habit. 


It's nice to have met you Don. You seemed surprised that I had awoken you and I would be too or maybe I wouldn't be because I would have gotten used to the traffic that comes by being out there as along as you have. I always see you there and I want you to know that I thought about you and cared for you tonight. If you have been feeling like nobody has noticed you, I hope that I reminded you that that's not true. I hope the quickly cooling tea kept you warm for a brief moment on this cold night. You reminded me of how thankful I am. So thank you. 

The end to one of the hardest years..

As some of you know, this past year has been one of the most turbulent, challenging, yet growing years of my life thus far. I finished nursing school which in itself was a marathon, but then I was robbed, went through a breakup, and witnessed another fraud take advantage. I seriously felt uncomfortable if things were going right this year, because with some sick twisted mind I began to believe that I deserved all these terrible things.

I've learned some too. It would be a lie to say that through all this I've learned that challenges make you stronger, and tougher. No, that would be an exaggeration to say the least. It all broke me and broken things aren't made stronger...it'll never be made same again there'll always be a weak spot, the point of shatter. What I have re-learned is that all experiences make you who you are..and I do pride in who I am. So if you say who you are is strong, then I guess you can say that challenges make you stronger...

However, despite the oppositions I got through them and mostly because of all of you. Whatever big or small part you played. Whether you were that call representative from the board that gave me some hope, or you managed to post an encouraging Instagram, or whether we've been friends for 7 years and going, and even you. You were all very much of this journey and what I was reminded was that I wasn't alone. I think that was the hardest part of all of it, was feeling like you were on this one man journey. There are times I feel that way, but God reminds me through one of you. 

I can't thank everyone...especially that person from the board, it takes over an hour to even reach them. But hopefully, you all know how grateful I am. I want to remind anyone out there that you go noticed and someone out there has thought of you today. As you think about me because it happens to be a birthday, I hope you think more than to wish me a "happy birthday". But take the time to reach out and ask how we're all doing because you never know who's been praying for that. 

No matter how much I change my perspective...I have to admit that this year simply sucked. On that note I wish myself a much better year. 

Cheers to being a quarter of the century old, to all those who have been part of this journey, to those who will continue to be part of this, and to those who I will meet along the way.  Let's all celebrate when I'm official :)